My lack of trust, venting off

[scaredtodeath]

I got with my partner when I was 17 and she was 16, 5 years into our relationship she had an affair with a friend of ours. To the point we'd visit our friends family where he was and she go to speak to him in his room and leave me downstairs. Once I happened to go up to see if she wanted anything picking up from the shop as I was going anyway, went upstairs and the door was locked and when they unlocked it they both looked flustered (I know I'm so stupid)

That new year's eve (2003) we went to these friends house for a party and as usual I pretty much stayed downstairs and partied with everyone, whilst she went to talk to her "Friend" About 2am our taxi home arrived but and in her words (I'm not coming yet) so we had a little argument and I left. Well she stayed overnight and returned the next morning (after a bath at her mums who lives down the street), we argued when she returned but carried on as normal, that day we went back upto our friends but when we arrived we passed this friend who was on his way out, now comes that part that makes me feel stupidest of all, upon passing him in the road he said to her "I don't regret anything about last night do you, no she said" and we quickly went inside to see our friends.


After this I started to have a feeling something wasn't quite right (I know I was stupid not to see the signs but I was only a 22 year old lad enjoying life at that time) Anyway this friend moved across the road from my partners sister so everyday we'd go up her sisters and she would leave me at her sisters whilst she nipped across the road to see this friend, then one day it just stopped, we didn't go up anymore.


Around a year or two later (I'm not sure why, or how long I'd even known at this point, I put it on her and told her to have the guts not to lie to me) At this point she admitted they'd had oral sex on new years eve, but still to this day denies anything more, I don't believe her at all tbh.

Needless to say I went straight up and confronted this so called friend who (God I'm stupid) asked me what she's said, to which I told him about the oral sex and he'd said yeah that's true but nothing more (Yeah right). I used every ounce of my self restraint and left without loosing my cool. We had a child the following year and life seemed normal until recently.


Fast forward to my problems in the now, we hardly ever sleep together, we don't talk much and she never shares her problems with me. She talks to other men more than me via facebook and whatsapp but lately she's been texting another man who she met only a few months ago and after me accidentally seeing one innocent message left behind from a conversation that had clearly been deleted with him greeting her "yoyo" well it's been dodgy ever since.


Now she sleeps with her phone close to hand, turned flat on it's screen and on silent. I try and mention it and I'm just jealous, or even worse, and if I don't trust her then I may as well go. She won't stop speaking to him and I guess that's her right, I'm getting that same feeling I got before that I foolishly ignored. Problem is we had a child together who's now a bright 9 year old girl and I'd rather walk through hell with a sign saying come at me satan, than spend one single day not fully in my daughters life. My daughter is non the wiser to all of this, and I'd rather keep it this way for the sake of stability in her life.


She's right though, I don't trust her, not fully anyway and I don't think I'll ever trust her again. I'm not really after advice just the relief that been able to finally say something after all these years. This will be the first time I've ever spoke about this with another living sole. I can't trust someone who's still not telling me the truth about the incident with our friend. Deep down I know she was seeing him for some time and that they were having sex right under my nose, part of me wishes she'd just come out and tell me the whole truth of what they did and how she felt about him, but I fear they'll both take that to the grave with them.




This isn't how I thought my life would turn out.






ps: I'm not a one post wonder, this felt so good writing this and venting

[scaredtodeath]

Sorry if the formatting is not to taste? I thought I'd space it out rather than drop a big mass of text

[Cerby]

You shouldn't trust her. She is engaging is seriously shady behavior, as well as pulling away from your relationship (and has been for years by the sounds of it). You've been together a long time, so perhaps it is time to write your problems down and then see a relationship counsellor. But I'd bet dollars to donuts that she is either cheating on you, or close to it.

Normally I push for trust and say that people are over-reacting, but in this case I believe you may have some merit to your concerns.

[michelle23]

How long more are you planning to stay in a loveless, sexless relationship with a woman who has been cheating on you on/off for years?

[scaredtodeath]

The person in questions sister did tell him to stop texting her as it was causing problems, but tonight she told his mum to tell him to still text her. Clearly she gets more satisfaction from him and even his brother, than she does from me. She also said some other stuff that has hurt more than anything tbh, upon telling her that the old friend that she had a thing with all those years ago just about ruined my confidence and trust, I was told it was my fault it happened in the first place and that she
does still wonder what if she'd got with him.


I also found out the reason she doesn't let me come out with her and her friends and their significant others is that she see's me as some kind of liability, possibly embarrassed to even be seen with me. She said she loves me but she's not in love with me.





I know exactly where I stand now, basically it's over with no hope of saving it and it's been that way for years.






Gutted.

[Darkmoon3778]

I lost my breath reading this, i feel very bad for you.
You sound like a decent guy, and she just sounds horrible.
I suggest you leave her, and share the child.

I am the scum of the earth, but doing something like this makes me loose my breath.