Should I stay or should I go?

[Lcranston]

I am looking for some advice, if anyone is willing to give me some.
Background info:
I am a female in my 20’s. I was married for a brief time to a man I was with for 6 years. I ended it due to his drinking problems that arose after our marriage. From the mental stress I was under during that period, I developed a lot of health problems including anxiety.
Fast forward a little bit, and I decide to jump back into the dating game. In hindsight, I wish I had stayed single longer. At the time, I think I was really searching for someone to be there for me. I’d never had that before. After a few unsuccessful dates, I met someone I clicked with.
Things moved very fast (honestly, I don’t know how I let it go so fast). Within a few months, he moved in with me. Things started off pretty solid. Then, my health issues began taking a huge toll on me. A year and a half into our relationship, he wanted me to quit my job so I could focus on getting better. I ended up doing so, even though I was hesitant to be so dependent on someone. After that, my social anxiety spiraled. My health deteriorated. I felt awful. He stayed with me through all of that, while paying the bills. I did everything around the house and that kind of stuff, but I felt worthless the whole time.
We’ve had some arguments over my avoidance of social situations, but other than that we didn’t/don’t argue. We have a lot of interests in common, probably more than most couples. Past the initial lust phase, our sex life has been non-existent (I am the one who is uninterested, he is always in the mood) for the almost 3 years we’ve been together. It’s put strain on our relationship at times.
Currently, I am almost all healthy. I am re-entering the work force and going back to school. I feel like a totally different person, like I’ve finally acquired the seeds to plant and find out what I bloom into.

My problem:

I don’t think I want to be with him anymore, but I am afraid that I could be making a bad decision.

For the past year, at least, I feel like my view of him has changed. In the lustful period, obviously I was super attracted to him. As any normal relationship goes, the lust waned, but I was expecting that. Later, I began looking at him as ‘that guy I care about who lives with me and sleeps in my bed’ instead of ‘my lover, partner, and friend who I’d work through anything to stay with’.
I am afraid to break it off because 1) I am scared to be on my own (contradictory to this, I am exhilarated at the thought as well) 2) Financially, I cannot afford my current situation by myself. In a month or two I should be able, though. 3) He has continuously stated (pretty much since he moved in with me) that he can’t be with anyone but me. He would never date anyone after me. No one would live up to me. (That should have been red flag number one, but y’know I’m only human.) I know that is not my fault that he feels that way or would choose that course if something happened, but it’s hard for me to think about him being hurt. Especially after everything he’s done for me. That brings me to the next thing. 4) I’d feel guilty for breaking it off after he’s done everything for me up until this point.

On one hand, I know I NEED to do what is right for ME. Not my parents, friends, or him for that matter. I feel like I am drifting apart from him, more and more with each day that passes. On the other hand, I fear that I am making a big mistake that I will regret. I feel in debt to him for what he has provided me. I could even see him hurting himself if I broke it off. But this part deep inside of me is crying to go out and explore the world. I haven’t been single for longer than a month since I started dating at age 14. I feel like I helped someone tape myself into a box. I think I’m ready to claw my way out, but I’m not sure enough at this point. Maybe the fear is keeping me from doing something really great for myself. Or maybe my relationship expectations are too high.

Sorry for the long post. It felt good to get it out there. I’d appreciate ANY advice. Thanks!

[someguyintexas]

two words - couples therapy... I think leaving him is selfish, a relationship is about the two of you not just you and not just him. Maybe going out and "exploring" as a couple... Find new common interests together. Re-kindle the lost passion.

[Luis64]

That usaually happens when a relationship becomes a routine. I agree with the above statement. Couples therapy and honesty could save your relationship and make you both happier at the same time.

[Lcranston]

Thanks for your thoughts. I know what it feels like when a relationship becomes "routine". There is nothig wrong with routine. I actually prefer it in most situations. While my relationship definitely feels like that, there's also something VERY different intertwined that I just can't place right now.

I should clarify a little, as well. My thoughts about breaking if off wouldn't JUST be a way to satisfy a need to explore as a single person (although, I do agree that part of it would be a bit selfish). Mostly it's that I've had waxing and waning unsure feelings about us being together "forever", as he likes to say. I also think I've kind of unconsciously molded myself into what he'd like, a person he can protect from all harm(I know, that's my fault not his). That has worked well for the both of us when I was sick, but now that I'm better than I've ever been, it gets very trying. We communicate pretty well about stuff. I've mentioned alot of the things I've said in this forum to him (minus the thinking about ending it thing, especially since I'm not even close to making up my mind). We both agree that asking him to change core characteristics about himself would be pretty unrealistic.

Although, I guess if I told him EXACTLY how I'm feeling, his response would probably make my decision for me. If I told him and he wanted to break it off, well that's that. If I tell him and he wants to work on it, then the other way may be a better option.

Any other feedback?
Thanks VERY much for your responses

[someguyintexas]

Some of the happiest relationships are with your best friend. Ask most couples who have been married for a long time and they will tell you "I married my best friend". From how you described your relationship in your initial post, that is what he is to you. Routine is one thing, loss of chemistry is something else and that is what it sounds like you are experiencing right now. Find that spark again, open the lines of communication, be completely open and honest with him. I suggest the counseling again, tell him you want to work on your relationship and explain what exactly you feel is missing. Work on it together and you might find what has been missing and your relationship will be stronger for it. If you are not willing to work on it the dump him and stop stringing him along, you are not doing him any good and the longer you keep him around out of your own personal selfishness the more you are going to hurt him.

If love is important to you then you two can work it out together. A relationship is a partnership where the success of the partnership is more important the individual success.