Am I being too greedy?

[Kaolru]

My name is Krista and I'm 23 years old. I still live at home with my dad for financial reasons. I work full-time at a job that pays minimum, but I really enjoy it. In July of 2013 I met a guy who was around here visiting family while he was on leave. He's in the Air Force on base in NC, and he's 20 years old. Let's call him James.

We've been dating for a while, and we're two very future-oriented people. By that I mean we talked about things on the first date that would probably scare other people away. We were both looking for a serious relationship, so we wanted to make sure that if we started dating, there were no major conflicts of interest that would occur down the line. Marriage, kids, moving...that sort of thing. Neither of us care to marry, though he strongly wants children and I do not. We've decided to remain together regardless, though it sort of makes the whole thing feel temporary, but at the moment that isn't my concern.

He is able to move off base early next year, and he wants me to move down there with him. I'm very fond of my state, and I don't really like the idea of leaving, as I never planned on it. I have a horse and a dog, so it's no simple matter for me to just pick up and go. Still, this is something that, as of right now, I am planning on doing(though I realize a lot can happen in a years time).

James is sexist. Plain and simple. He's not a jerk about it, but it still gets under my skin because I'm a very independent person who doesn't really fit the stereotype of an average woman, so I hate to be labeled. Anyway, one of his major things is he wants me to cook for him, and the housework has been mentioned as well. He says it is his love language(of the five love languages), and he feels like if I didn't do these things for him that it would feel like I'm just a roommate he sleeps with and he wouldn't feel loved. I've never had to "take care" of a person before. I grew up with just my father and was never taught to cook or clean and my only nurturing instincts are toward animals(I am actually a decent cook though), so the idea bothers me a bit. Regardless, he would be the primary financial provider, as he does not expect me to contribute to bills, so I wouldn't mind doing my part and cooking/cleaning. I have a horse, though, as I mentioned, and horses are a big part of my life and are also in my future plans. He tells me I don't have to work if I don't want to, though he would prefer it if I did(which I don't understand if he doesn't want me to contribute financially), but I am responsible for my things. That means my animals. He won't pay for them. Okay, that sounds fair so far.

We eventually want a small farm. Enough crops for ourselves with goats, chickens, ducks...horses too, except he'll have nothing to do with them. He likes horses, he just doesn't like how expensive they are. So, my job then becomes taking care of the farm, the house, him, and also having a job to pay for my horses.

I'm not trying to be greedy, but I feel like I'm getting a little short-ended here. He gets everything he wants, while I'm the one who has to compromise the whole way. I don't like the idea of leaving my home and the job I enjoy, but he doesn't like it up here. I don't like the hot weather down there. Can't stand it, actually. I don't like the idea of having to take care of someone, hence the reason I don't want kids. Still, I'm willing to do these things for him, but what is he willing to compromise for me?

He'd work, come home, eat and relax. I would wake up, make him something to eat, take care of the animals, go to work, come home, take care of the animals, cook dinner, eat, clean up, take care of the animals and maybe have enough time to shower before passing out. Then on my days off I would do all of those things on top of cleaning the house. I also hunt, so during that time of the year I would be the one putting venison in the freezer. He's never had to process an animal before, so that'd be my job too. I just know too many women who do this, and none of them are happy... I have goals with horses. I am trying to get established as a certified trimmer and eventually a breeder, but if I don't have the time, how am I supposed to get started in these things. I don't want to give up what I want in life.

I'm the type of person that doesn't feel comfortable having people pay for things for me. Even with my parents, so when he asks me what would make me feel better and what he could compromise on, the only thing I can think of is him paying for my animals' feed(approximately $200 a month if on our property). I just don't like asking for it because I don't like taking other people's money and I can't tell if I'm just being selfish and whiny, or if this situation really is as one-sided as I feel it is.

I know I'll probably get asked why I want to be with him if we are already having issues like this so early in our relationship, but you have to understand, these are issues that most people don't discuss until they are a couple of years into a relationship. We're just trying to get through them now instead of dealing with them later. He's a brutally honest guy. Literally. A lot of people say they're brutally honest when they're actually not. He really is, and I like that. I may not always like what he has to say, but at least I know what is on his mind.

Sorry for the book, but can I get some opinions on this please?

[michelle23]

You have bagged yourself a narcissist. Run a mile from this man.

[surfhb2]

Yes.....

.....and please....stop this talking about marriage. You and him are way too young for any of that

[Kaolru]

Yes.....

.....and please....stop this talking about marriage. You and him are way too young for any of that

I'm not talking about marriage. I have no plans to ever get married, as it's not something I believe in.

[Kaolru]

You have bagged yourself a narcissist. Run a mile from this man.

Sadly, that's pretty much what I was thinking. Everything is his way. Love by his definition. Relationships by his definition. The worst part? He's really into psychology, but he tends to judge others based on how they feel or handle their emotions. He doesn't seem to have the ability to use what he has learned on himself.

[basilandthyme]

I know I'll probably get asked why I want to be with him if we are already having issues like this so early in our relationship, but you have to understand, these are issues that most people don't discuss until they are a couple of years into a relationship. We're just trying to get through them now instead of dealing with them later.

I'd ask why you want to be with him if you were raising these issues a few YEARS into the relationship. Whether it be now or later, these conversations still raise red flags.

The two of you simply aren't compatible.

[michelle23]

So why you still with him? Do you want a future husband who treats you like a maid, is only home half the year and cheating on you ALL the time?

Thats your life with this a**hole. Hes already made it clear: he will be in control, you will be financially dependent on him, he will toss you a few kids to trap you even more, you will wait on him hand and foot and he will turn up whenever he feels like it and then swan off back to the army..

[Kaolru]

It sounds stupid to defend him, I realize, and maybe I am trying too hard because I'm afraid of not being able to find someone better. We're compatible in a lot of ways, we really are, but there are these few core things that I'm so unsure about.

He isn't a cheater, I know that much. He also won't force me into having kids because he knows already that I wouldn't allow that, and his mother also didn't want kids but ended up having them because she loved her husband and wanted to make him happy. She ended up with four boys, and when James(the oldest) was 14 she decided she didn't want to be a mom anymore and left. His dad worked all the time, so he raised his brothers. He knows what it's like having a mom that never wanted her kids in the first place, and he could never do that his own kids.

I think I just go from one side to the other on this. When we're together everything is great for the most part, and it makes me feel like I'm just being childish and refusing to grow up. I wonder if he'd just be forcing me to be an adult and part of me is just being stubborn and throwing a tantrum. I've never had to live on my own, and with my horse and dog, I can't afford to.

[michelle23]

He wants you dependent on him-little wifey isolated at home alone with no money, looking after the house whilst he acts like a single man.

There are sooo many red flags here

1 army
2 talking about marriage first date (no normal 20 year old guy does that)
3 long distance
4 he wants you financially dependent on him
5 expects you to do everything apart from wipe his ass
6 ignores what you want

It is way too early to be talking about these things in such detail.
You and he may not even be compatable. You could end up arguing every day and breaking up in 6months. Its not normal to plan your whole life with a guy you barely know and just expect everything to run smoothly. You have no idea what could happen in the next month-never mind the next year

its better to enjoy the honeymoon period, dont stress about the future, go with the flow and see how you feel about each other in a year or two

[Kaolru]

I'm a worrier by nature, so I think that plays into this quite a bit. I worry about things that could happen ten years from now as if they're going to happen tomorrow. I try to tell myself to just live in the now, and to hear it from someone else does help. I will try to focus less on how it might be and attempt to enjoy how it is. All this paranoia is just making me miserable...

[basilandthyme]

Kaolru, while I'm not making quite the same dire predictions as Michelle, I do think your gut is trying to tell you something. And I think you're wrong to be ignoring it.