ambivalent about marriage - red flags?

[filiz]

My boyfriend and I have been together for over five years. We live together and have a lot of the same friends. Our relationship is great day-to-day, but the big-picture stuff is very complicated.

He's not a decisive guy, and his plans for the future tend to change drastically. He'll have his eye on moving to another city, or switching careers, or going back to school. He'll stand wholeheartedly behind one plan, then change it and expect me to get behind it wholeheartedly too. On the topic of marriage, he's also been ambivalent. I first brought it up two years ago, and he was hesitant about it for ages. I feel like I was very patient in giving him that time and not pressuring his decision-making process, even though it was very stressful for me.

Now, he does say that he wants marriage and a future with me. The thing is, now I'm the one who feels ambivalent. I love him, but his indecisiveness makes me worry about our future. I don't want to have to keep putting my life on hold for two years every time a major decision needs to be made. I don't like how he expects me to go along with him when he changes plans that we had previously agreed upon (such as which city to live in). We're also not great at arguing - I tend to bottle things up and let resentment build, he's not good at taking blame or apologizing.

I feel like the topic of marriage and commitment has been so touchy that I can't really tell what's rational anymore. I love him deeply, and I can picture a happy future with him, but I worry that his indecisiveness and our problems with conflict-resolution will just keep coming up. I've tried talking to him about these concerns, and he says I'm being unfair. He says those two years of waiting don't matter because now he's decided that he wants marriage.

Are these issues just normal couple things, or are they red flags?

[Cerby]

How old are you two? Are you both career set or working your way there? How developed is the REST of your lives outside of your relationship? All key when giving an answer to this question.

[filiz]

Cerby, we're both in our early 30s, currently working in East Asia (we met over here) but looking to move back to North America next year. We're both in fields that we like, but want to put down roots closer to home, so there will be some job transitions coming up.

[Cerby]

Ok, so your long term goals are somewhat aligned and you're at the age where marriage is a normal thing. (I just wanted to make sure that you were 18 and had been together through highschool).

Have you considered just sitting down and talking? Creating a list of what your future looks like and see if his ideas fit in? Communication is always the easiest way to resolve these issues. Especially his tendency to get behind new ideas all the time, just bring it up as a concern that you have for the long term, and see what he says. If he gets defensive or fights with you, then this is an answer in itself.

[filiz]

We talk about it a lot, and it never tends to go well. He gets defensive, and I'm sure I do too. Because this issue has been on the table for years now, it feels quite loaded. We have trouble talking things through without getting upset, bringing up past hurts, etc. He tells me that I'm being inflexible and need to get my way all the time. I don't think that's fair or accurate (if I had my way, we'd have moved back to North America years ago). I just want to start planning long-term.

[HeartIsAching]

IDK... kind of seems to me as the "next logical step" kind of arrangement, instead of the "this is my best friend in the whole world and I don't want to ever let him/her/it go" kind of deal. Recipe for marital disaster, if so.

[AnErin]

Indecisive younger folks - yeah THAT'S unusual. Wait til you two get closer to 40 and then see how much he plans stuff on a whim. Probably won't be as much. We all make empty plans.

I am going to say this about marriage - A piece of paper is nothing. It is the relationship and how you two share your lives together that matters. All that piece of paper does is put the state in bed with couples.

[4 ratties]

When a guy hasn't married u after 5 years that means he's lazy and comfortable and doesn't have the will to commit to you truly.

Marriage isn't just a piece of paper like this idiot above me said. That's sad that person feels that way. I guess they would marry anybody since it doesn't mean anything. That's so stupid and makes no sense.

[basilandthyme]

When a guy hasn't married u after 5 years that means he's lazy and comfortable and doesn't have the will to commit to you truly.

Marriage isn't just a piece of paper like this idiot above me said. That's sad that person feels that way. I guess they would marry anybody since it doesn't mean anything. That's so stupid and makes no sense.

I'm in the camp of marriage being just a bit of paper. I realised that it was just paper when I left my first marriage - paper to get in and paper to get out. Now I've got a lovely defacto partner I've been with for 21 years and we don't need a bit of paper to make us stay together. We stay together because we want to - not because of a promise made and signed.

As far as marrying anybody because marriage doesn't mean anything.....why would one bother getting married at all if it meant nothing? Now you're making no sense. Why why go through all the money, fuss and bother for something which means nothing to me? I'd rather use the money and effort to renovate our house.

[basilandthyme]

IDK... kind of seems to me as the "next logical step" kind of arrangement, instead of the "this is my best friend in the whole world and I don't want to ever let him/her/it go" kind of deal. Recipe for marital disaster, if so.

When asked why I got married the first time, I usually say that it was the 'next logical step'. Didn't realise it was such a common thing.

[AnErin]

When a guy hasn't married u after 5 years that means he's lazy and comfortable and doesn't have the will to commit to you truly.
Marriage isn't just a piece of paper like this idiot above me said. That's sad that person feels that way. I guess they would marry anybody since it doesn't mean anything. That's so stupid and makes no sense.

Marriage in a legal sense means little. Like basil said - paper to get in, paper to get out.
What DOES mean something is the relationship. I would bet that more relationships are stressed further by some written contract.
My two best friends are legally divorced but live together as a couple. The divorce had something to do with him thinking it would cost more taxes?

For the OP - After five years, I doubt things will just go kaplooie unless something serious happens.

[HeartIsAching]

When a guy hasn't married u after 5 years that means he's lazy and comfortable and doesn't have the will to commit to you truly.

Marriage isn't just a piece of paper like this idiot above me said. That's sad that person feels that way. I guess they would marry anybody since it doesn't mean anything. That's so stupid and makes no sense.

If it's not just a bit of paper, what is it?

I'm not being a smart-ass here, I'm genuinely interested in your response.