Breaking up help, its too emotionally hard

[mikeopen40]

So i've come to the conclusion that me and my partner are to break up
But every time i talk to her about it she bursts into tears and tells me really cute stuff about how much she loves me and needs to be with me
She begs me not to leave her and says she cant live without me and there is no one but me that she can trust
Most of her friends have dogged her over and im the only person in her life she can talk to and if i leave she will have no one
I cave in every time and can't bring myself to do it. It's happened 2 times. She has dropped out of uni and has no ambitions for the future and she is in a rough patch of her life at the moment, i consistently try to tell her to pick up a better job or pick up her course again but she never listens
What should i do?
i feel i should stay with her and support her through her rough time of her life but i have been for the last year and she still shows no signs of wanting to do anything with her life and i don't want a partner who will mooch off me for the rest of my life.
I told her that time apart could help her grow independently and maybe she might realize that she has to start supporting herself in her life and aim for something. She is a talented girl but she is throwing her ambitions and future away out of laziness and my support clearly hasn't helped her move out of her lazy comfort zone.
i love her but seeing her throw her future away hurts me and if i want to move out with her she has to start saving up which she surprisingly hasn't done considering she dropped out of uni and has loads of free time on her hands.
Help thanks

[FlaCooln]

Is the only reason you want to break up her laziness/lack of motivation? Because if you love her, enjoying spending time with her, and the sex is good why not try to help her. But, if you don't enjoy being with her anymore and are ready to move on you need to do so.

[AnErin]

Wow, now if THIS isn't the antithesis of most threads. Most of us are wondering if our lover du jour will stick around or really likes us but you have a sloth you are dealing with...

Ugh. The classic case of a lover who is needy and clingy. Getting rid of her is going to be harder than getting rid of herpes.
About the only thing you CAN do is ride her ass to get motivated about doing things.
If you get rid of her, there might be some aftermath like stupid drama bullshit to weather. Just however you can ditch this thing.

Look, do NOT marry this thing, and do not live with her. Do you really want to work your ass off to support the household while she sits on her worthless ass and does nothing but eat your paychecks?

[basilandthyme]

You've tried to end things, so she knows you're unhappy. Have you told her what the issue is? How has she tried to address it? If she's done nothing, have you pointed this out to her?

I'd really like to know what your discussions about the topic have sounded like.


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[mikeopen40]

So far nothing she said she was going to go hand her resumes (CV) out to some workplaces which she says sound interesting but every time i ask her she says "i didn't get the time today" or i was too busy at my aunties house watching TV shows for 3 hours straight etctectetc... But really she is never too busy she has the whole day! I told her again sternly yesterday if she doesn't pull up her socks and get back to uni of some sort or try to find another job then we would need some time apart which would enable her to have more time independently and realize "Hey i should do something about my life and support myself (financially) for the future since my boyfriend isn't around" She hasn't told me anything about re-applying for uni so i assume there is no effort going there. it just seem like nothing getting done with her whereas with me i have 3 jobs, a double degree at uni becoming a doctor and play soccer whilst seeing her.
I just don't understand what she does with her time and why she is throwing her life away like this.
I don't want to be with a "nobody" i want to be proud of my wife and her accomplishments and help each other financially its not the 60's where the men used to bring home the "bread" it's 2014 and the man shouldn't be the only one who makes the money in the family.
I have wanted to move out but she is not financially as stable as me so i am waiting for her to be ready but a years gone by now....


Anyway so i am having strong feeling that if nothing gets done in the next 2 weeks we are going to have to take a break and this will help her build up her finances and realise that she has to do something with her life?
Does this sound like a good idea or a clean break up should be better?
or should i stay with her?

[JadenMia]

Although I kind of feel bad for her, I do think you should stop giving in to her when you try to leave and she begs you to stay. Staying is only really prolonging the pain of a breakup.

There is nothing worse than someone who tries to free load off of another person. You are right she does need to learn some independence and if you have warned her and she still doesn't do anything about it then yes I think you should leave.

If you love her and you think a break could kick start her into getting her ass in gear and doing something with her life then do that. If she makes no change then cut contact.
When my boyfriend got laid off work this past summer, he got in a funk. Didn't get up earlier than noon, sat around watching tv and seeing friends. It went on for 3 months and I couldn't stand it anymore.
I told him that if he continued this lifestyle I had to leave. He did go out a get a good job and everything is fine now.

If she loved you, she would listen to you and try to make a change but it doesn't seem like she is doing so...

I would straight out explain what you have wrote here and put it forward you will be breaking up if she doesn't get off her lazy ass. If in a week she hasn't, leave.
If you miss and love her, check in at a later date and see if she is doing better and wants a reconciliation. If not, then move on.

It's not attractive when someone doesn't want to do better in life or have at least some goals. It's such a turn off for me.

[Carlina]

My current boyfriend used to be like that when he had to search for jobs, everytime I would motivate him to search for a job and he wouldn't do it. He would either find excuses like he was too busy (mind you he had nothing to do all day) or he would say his previous jobs were rough so he isn't motivated to find a job. Bottom line is, a partner that has ambitions is good to have or it will bring you down as well. You need to try to motivate each other.

Have a good conversation with her, tell her that you need someone that has ambitions and wants to make something out of her life or you can not proceed in this relationship. Maybe then she will understand why this is so important for you. But I completely understand why it's so important that she has to find a job or some ambition, I used to be like that as well when my boyfriend would do nothing all day long.

[mikeopen40]

Thanks guys for the help
I had a huge 3 hour chat where she cried again and told her how much she loved me
She promised to make a change in her life and said starting from today she would try and make me proud,
I will give her 2 or so weeks to try and get her act together and support her.

[dickriculous]

The pain of regret is always worse than the pain of discipline. If you think it's hard to leave someone who makes you unhappy imagine how hard it's going to be 10 years from now when it hits you that those 10 years of your life have been pissed away on someone you're not happy with and there's nothing you can do about it. I guarantee that will be much, much harder to deal with than a breakup today will. Some people get stuck in that trap not for 10 years but an entire lifetime...it's rare for me to experience more pity for someone than I experience for those lost souls. You don't want to be one of those guys - not if your life's ambitions have anything to do with finding happiness and fulfillment at least.

I wouldn't get your hopes up about her actually changing in order to keep you, those types of changes tend to be short lived and as soon as the other person is convinced that you won't leave or that they can reel you back in with enough begging and lavish promises to change for you they go right back to their old ways. I could be wrong depending on the specifics of your situation but if I had to make a bet based on how most of these situations go that would be it. You sound more like a crutch to her than an honest and true love, which is another dynamic that rarely (if ever) ends well for either partner. These promises to change are probably more because she doesn't want to try and stand without her crutches than they are because she has actually found some ambition and strength of character all of a sudden.