The Day Rowen Gave Up

[Rowen]

Hey LoveForum friends,
I was really hoping I would never have to post here again, but this was out of my hands.. The love of my life (Dave) and very reason I've been happy countless times on this forum the past few months left me last night, at approximately 6:25 PM.. We were meeting at his apartment to talk about his fear of our age difference and beoming official when he started with, "Obviously, I love you very much, but I hope we can still be friends.." From there, it just went from bad to worse, as he told me that he isn't in love with me like he thought but rather loves me like a friend or family. He's felt this way since a few weeks ago, but he stalled it because he wanted to be sure..and then when he was sure, he was afraid it'd mean I'd never want to be friends and hated the idea of hurting me. I spent an hour crying in his arms, and I still don't even know how I feel. It's a mixture of many different emotions including confusion..and he continued to tell me the reason we haven't had sex lately is that he didn't want to take advantage of the situation and hurt me worse that way.. And as if to show me he was sorry, he insisted on taking me to dinner afterward; let me tell you that I no longer want to set foot inside a Panera much less eat a bagel..

Friends and fellow posters, I barely got any sleep last night, as all I could focus on was my track record with relationships and people in general. And I reached the conclusion that, for me, relationships are merely a form of Russian roulette, and I'm just not that lucky. Many different men have claimed I'm just the friend, and for once I agree. I'm not cut out for being the husband of a man or even a boyfriend. I wish it weren't so, but it is.

Therefore, even though I am young, I have reached the conclusion that I no longer wish to subject myself to chasing relationships. I will allow for the occasisional pleasure of the flesh, but I refuse to search for a boyfriend. And I hope I can help at least one of you with my story by telling you not to dream too much. Be realistic. Otherwise, you will only allow yourself to be where I am.
I'm sorry I wasted your time. Thank you.

[searock]

I'm so sorry Rowen . *hugs*

[vashti]

I'm pretty much right there with you, only I am playing with the idea that I have chosen inappropriate men because I am - on some level - emotionally unavailable, rather than just unlucky. Not sure that feels right, but at least it gives me some sense of control, rather than just leaving it all up to luck.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

I think the chasing was the problem. You want(ed?) a relationship so badly that you settled. I think not chasing that, and letting it come on its own will yield better results, even if you don't get married, your next relationship will probably be much more fulfilling.

[HeartIsAching]

I'm really sorry to hear this Rowen. I think it's far too early for you to give up, but you should definitely take some time to recover. I'd be willing to get that as you heal, you'll change your mind.

[Rowen]

Thank you, everyone for your support and responses. *hugs Searock* Thank you. And Vashti, that does make sense, and I'm sorry you seem to be at that place too. The reason I say luck, rather than emotional unavailability, is more to do with the fact I see many coincidences with he course of my involvement with men. It starts out terrific, as they chase me before I chase them. And from there it continues until something major (in a good way) happens in the guy's life. From there, either it's that he drifts away, most of the time around either my birthday or his, and something troublesome happens we get through. Then he continues to grow cold until he ends it. Perhaps that may just sound like a bunch of coincidences or crazy, but that's always the course in which things progress for some reason. :S But at least in a position like this, we decide the rules.

To Backup: That would certainly make sense, but for the longest time before we went out he was chasing me. I wasn't necessarily sure there would be chemistry and there was a more complicated reason which restricted me from meeting him while I felt like that. So we talked as friends for a while, and after one or two times of asking me out, we started talking deeper. Maybe it sounds like settling, but it was the first time a man held the same views towards settling down and relationships as I did. And as I talked to him more and let him in, especially when we shared our stories and it just felt right, the more I longed for the time to come when I could meet him. And as soon as we did, it just clicked. :S I guess towards the end it was more me chasing him, but before the rough patch I described in the one thread where I asked for advice, he put in just as much effort. The only thing I feel I settled on was the issue of children, though I was never certain if I'd be a good Dad. But I can see your point.

And to HIA: Thank you for all you did talking me through how to proceed when things got rough with him. I've been trying just to get some more sleep and watch some movies, but it kind of sucks thinking it over because it still confuses me. It shouldn't, I realize, because at least he tried being considerate about it and was just honest about how he felt. Though, one of my friends who is in his age group said it could sound like a mid-life crisis because of the way Dave expressed he feels like he's not cut out for relationships. I'd like to believe he'll come back, but I don't know. But in the meantime, maybe you're right and I just need time. :S But the idea of putting myself out there for anyone like that again is a little repulsive, though it may pass with time. For the time being, I'd just like to sleep. :S And as horrible as it sounds, I really hope this was just a phase and that he'll come back to me.

[HeartIsAching]

I know this probably won't help now, but someday maybe you'll think about this and realize I was right:

When I was your age, a young woman that I thought was the love of my life, my one-and-only ripped my heart out of my chest and ate it in front of me. The pain was intense - actual physical pain, as I'm sure you know now.

Then she kept writing me letters for weeks, basically repeating her reasons for breaking up with me with variations. Every week I'd get another letter, and every week I'd tear it open, hoping against hope that she'd changed her mind, and of course she hadn't. The pain didn't get a chance to heal because of that. She successfully kept the wound open and raw so she could pour more salt into it.

I was utterly convinced that I'd never love again. Hell, I pretty much hated women for a while.

You know my story now. You know how false that was. It will be the same for you. One day you'll meet your one-and-only, the man of your dreams, the man that won't be perfect, but he'll be perfect for you.

There will be some difficulties on the way. You'll have to leave your heart open despite heartbreak and loss. You'll have to re-learn to trust every time, and every time it'll get a little bit harder.

You'll have to separate the grain from the chaff, and because of that you'll discard some people and some will discard you - if you keep up your therapy, you'll learn to recognize the glaring problems much more quickly, and it will often only take a date or two for you to say "nope" and move on.

You'll have to learn not to get too entangled with someone just because they're convenient - else you may be unavailable when your true one-and-only does make an appearance... and you know from my history how tragic that can be.

You're a good guy Rowen, intelligent, sensitive, empathetic and caring.

The worst thing you can do is give up.

[HeartIsAching]

Oh... and you'd be well-served to stop making assumptions about what other people's actions mean, and start learning to communicate effectively. The "Crazy Girlfriend" act will send a lot of people packing quickly.

[dickriculous]

Don't give up Rowen! Trust me I get it, I've had my heart torn to shreds before and I wanted to die when it happened to me but if I gave in to my demons that told me the same shit your demons are telling you I would be alone and miserable toward the opposite sex (and God knows how many other things) still today, and who knows what else would be going wrong in my life as I type this? As mentioned in previous posts yes there are certain ways you may need to change your approach to certain things but the love in your heart and soul is a gift and if you refuse to share it then all hope for you is lost. I don't know if there's anything I can say to make you feel better but if there's anything I can say to help you make yourself feel better in the long run it's not to give up hope. If life wants to push you down and pound your head into the ground, get up and get ready for more. Take the hits, let your skull get crushed, let your bones get broken, let your dick get torn off, whatever. But don't ever give up on yourself, don't even mention it again. Wear a shock collar and hit the button every time it crosses your mind if you have to, just get that notion the **** out of your world.

You're a good man Rowen, surely a better man than one who runs away from his problems and throws in the towel as soon as he goes down a few times....right?

[vashti]

Eh, Rowen just needs a break. It's best to avoid romantic entanglements after a heartbreak until you feel like you can handle the possibility of rejection again.

[dickriculous]

Sure, but it's not like nobody has ever allowed a heartbreak to permanently ruin them before. Many people allow it to have a lesser negative impact than actual ruin for many years to come. I don't expect that out of Rowen but I don't want to just make assumptions either.

[Rowen]

Once again, I'd like to thank all of you for responding. :S It's greatly appreciated that you all took the time to give your insight, hope, and support.

To HIA: I can understand what you mean by your story and all.. :S I guess that asking me everyday how I'm doing is a bit like that, though part of me thinks he might just feel guilty because he saw with his own eyes how it destroyed me. :S I know I'm not the best guy at relationships and did react badly in a few instances where we faced difficulty. I admit that. What's worse though is that he apologized for that misunderstanding when he realized my side (if you're referencing the day I called you which I feel really bad for waking you). And he told me that he holds nothing I did against me. So, yes, I need to work on some of my actions/reactions and I'll try to. But could it be a combination of all three which pushed him away? ...Could it be a phase or a midlife crisis? A number of little things about this situation make me wonder, though I'm not sure if he'll come back.. Do you know any stories of it being possibe-not just HIA but any of you? He is entering his 40's not to bash his age. I intend to keep up my work with therapy, but you once said that you get as many chances as you need to make it happen...maybe this is it. I'm not sure though-just confused.

To dickriculous: Thank you for your very thoughtful post. *hugs* It's just that it's not really just Dave; if it were, it'd be a microscopic bit easier maybe. :S It feels like a dog and pony show trying to get to know a guy to begin with, and many of them seem to lack a certain spark about them. :S But what you're saying about being stronger than giving up makes sense. I'd like to be stronger and be able to walk away feeling okay, or maybe I am and just don't realize it because I got here instead of giving up years ago. I just want something real like what I had with Dave-that unspoken connection where he understands me. I like challeneges in the men I date, oddly-not the ones which just surrender themselves and have no mystery. But if given the chance, I'd try again with Dave. Maybe I sound like a doormat, but it's true. I can't really say whether or not I'll try again and keep at it, but for now I love my family's sofa, my stacks of books, my stacks of DVD's, and the TV. And it confuses me as to why it's so hurtful if I have a gift..No offense, but I don't understand that.

To Vashti: I can't say whether or not I'll try again. Perhaps I might, but for now, I don't feel like going through the same process of signing up for online dating and trying to meet other guys. I don't care for trying that, but I'd like to still hold hope that Dave will come back. And I really hope you find happiness, even if you found it now with being in a similar place. If you need someone to vent to (though I know we've never talked much and this goes for any of you) I'm here for you.
Thank you all for your responses again :S

[pcmaster]

Ofcourse at times like this you ask yourself "Whats wrong with me, why I cant keep a man in my life, are Im ugly, am too fat, is it age diference, do our life paths goes too diferent ways? Well it can be anything.
But I think if someone picks up twice younger partner then its for the great sex. I think guy knew what hes doing. Thats why he was able to leave you cause his feelings wasnt equal to yours. And with that alone dude dont deserve you. You shouldnt take him back if he comes.

Its great that you dont keep relationships in secret so now your family can support you when you need it the most. I would post a link from my breakup guide but then again you know where to find it just in case ^_-

P.S. After topic name I thought Rowen is giving up on loveforum.

[vashti]

To Vashti: I can't say whether or not I'll try again. Perhaps I might, but for now, I don't feel like going through the same process of signing up for online dating and trying to meet other guys.

I'm struggling with this, too. I am older than you are, and my time and options are much more limited. I am really feeling like I may very well end up alone if I keep waiting to feel "ready". YOU are young, and that is a luxury; take all the time you need.

[HeartIsAching]

^^^Vashti's right.

I didn't mean to imply that you shouldn't take any time. Take all the time you need.