I phoned up my boyfriend's ex-gf. She's a therapist and she told me a few things

[Toucan_Pecan]

He's in hospital at the moment and couldn't stop me.

She told me that:
1) he's young and a man and will take a while to grow up (he's 31; she's 40)
2) He lives like he's in his 20s (he hasn't worked for 6 years and lived rent free with girlfriends over that time)
3) He uses sex to self-medicate himself
4) He is scared of living life
5) He never apologises
6) He is so frugal that if people didn't help him out he's probably waste away and die and that him being so cheap is a form of self-hatred.
7) Oh and she also told me no-one can help him, he will have to find life's answers himself.

Some background: He got with me and didn't tell me for a month he was still sleeping with her. He has now told me that when he leaves hospital he will probably stay with her for a couple of months to recover. I phoned her up to pass on this information myself.

tl;dr: I [30/f]contacted my boyfriend's [31/m] ex [40/f]after he told me not to contact her. She confirmed some negative aspects about him, but made excuses for enabling him (e.g., letting him live with her for 5 years without working and contributing to rent). He has now told me that when he leaves hospital he will probably stay with her for a couple of months.

What do you think he will say to me if he finds out I rang her?

[Starnique]

This is so damn messy. Like...where do I begin. First of all, why are you even with this shady dude when you know he was still seeing his Ex? Obviously that affected your ability to trust him because why would you feel the need to contact his dumb ex? You called her and she's probably still seeing him so her word isn't trustworthy. She could be telling you anything. Obviously, he's not that bad if she is going to be taking care of him when he gets out the hospital. There are still some feelings there. You're so simple. Who would be okay with their bf staying with the ex while he recovers? At this point who cares what he has to say. He has not shit to say as far as I'm concerned. You need to focus on getting out of this relationship unless of course you don't mind sharing or his going back and forth between two silly ass women.

Anyway, I learned a long time ago that you play yourself when you call another woman. She don't care about your feelings,don't owe you anything and sometimes they tell lies. The problem is him. Deal with him. Send him packing. What do you really have to talk to her about? You don't need to confirm shit with her. Send his raggedy self over there with her. They're both idiots . She's a therapist? She need to get her own life together before trying to help someone else. She still dealing with him. . Move on honey.

[bcgirl]

Therapists are the most f*cked up. Why stoop to the point of calling the ex only for her to tell you that he will stay with her after the hospital. I mean , c'mon are you supposed to be okay with that? Do you have a spine? How is he not dumped ASAP?

[bcgirl]

And what's up with #3? He uses sex to self Medicate according to his ex? And then he goes to her place for a couple months ? Hmm, I think the time at the hospital will definitely call for some self medicating on her bed!

[Toucan_Pecan]

This is so damn messy. Like...where do I begin. First of all, why are you even with this shady dude when you know he was still seeing his Ex? Obviously that affected your ability to trust him because why would you feel the need to contact his dumb ex? You called her and she's probably still seeing him so her word isn't trustworthy. She could be telling you anything. Obviously, he's not that bad if she is going to be taking care of him when he gets out the hospital. There are still some feelings there. You're so simple. Who would be okay with their bf staying with the ex while he recovers? At this point who cares what he has to say. He has not shit to say as far as I'm concerned. You need to focus on getting out of this relationship unless of course you don't mind sharing or his going back and forth between two silly ass women.

Anyway, I learned a long time ago that you play yourself when you call another woman. She don't care about your feelings,don't owe you anything and sometimes they tell lies. The problem is him. Deal with him. Send him packing. What do you really have to talk to her about? You don't need to confirm shit with her. Send his raggedy self over there with her. They're both idiots . She's a therapist? She need to get her own life together before trying to help someone else. She still dealing with him. . Move on honey.

The problem is certainly him - but it was incredibly useful to understand how he was able to live such a parasitic lifestyle with her for so long. She was/is his host, and since he can't function healthily in the world, he relied on her to enable him to avoid getting a job and paying the rent for 5 years. What other woman would allow this? He bluntly told me he provided her with company and she helped him by letting him stay for free (she doesn't even own her apartment.... she pays rent). I think there is something actually bizarre about her acceptance of him warts and all... especially for a therapist. There are 2 levels to this: 1) By allowing him to do this she is allowing her worth to be degraded and 2) She is stopping him from ever growing and becoming a fully functioning member of society. That is not love - that is co-dependency.

[danweiss]

Could it also be possible that the ex-gf is a bit jealous and told you some stories that aren't true? If they are, he really sounds like bad news and either needs some encouragement to do better or a spot of dumping.

[Toucan_Pecan]

I don't think so, she really wasn't malicious. She came out with things and laughed them off as just being him..... young, scared and needs mothering. Really she seemed maternal which is hardly surprising considering the age gap (they got together when he was 24 and she was 33).

[Starnique]

The problem is certainly him - but it was incredibly useful to understand how he was able to live such a parasitic lifestyle with her for so long. She was/is his host, and since he can't function healthily in the world, he relied on her to enable him to avoid getting a job and paying the rent for 5 years. What other woman would allow this? He bluntly told me he provided her with company and she helped him by letting him stay for free (she doesn't even own her apartment.... she pays rent). I think there is something actually bizarre about her acceptance of him warts and all... especially for a therapist. There are 2 levels to this: 1) By allowing him to do this she is allowing her worth to be degraded and 2) She is stopping him from ever growing and becoming a fully functioning member of society. That is not love - that is co-dependency.

You sound crazy. You're saying all this about her but its your bf that is allowing her to enable him. You're still with him and he's still dealing with her. What does that say about your self respect and self worth?

I'm not trying to be mean to you because I have played a fool before also. Shit happens and sometimes you just get caught up in it. It's how you grow. But this is stupid. I don't know about you but I don't like sharing my man...or panties(thongs,boyshorts...whatever).

[searock]

Why the heck did you phone your boyfriend's ex behind his back? That's messed up...

[Starnique]

But not as messed up as what he's doing

[bcgirl]

Why don't you just go to the ex's house so your boyfriend can have a 3some going on?

[danizephyr]

Best advice I can give you is:

Run!

She may be lying to you but if he was still sleeping with her and planning to stay with her. What the hell are you doing? I mean, unless you're into the whole "open relationship" thing. But still...