On the verge of breakup. How do I move on if things do turn for the worse?

[missinglife]

Look you probably hate reading long essays but if you think you can help me, you must let me tell you my story. I'll promise I'll be as brief as I can but it will still feel a little long. I've broken the stuff up in paragraphs and sections for easier readings. But please forgive any boredom I may impose upon you unintentionally.

Finally you don't have to be good at psychiatry or counselling to help me. If you and me share a common experience and you know of a remedy that greatly helped you, I'd be very eager to know.

Please read on. And thanks for reading so far even if you have decided not to read my story after all.

Situation:

I'm a guy and I'm going through a tough time in my relationship. A breakup seems inevitable and what worries me is how I'm going to cope with the loss of my first romantic relationship due to the haunting memories that will remain which they say you cannot easily forget.

Past:

I'm in my early 20s and she's of the same age. She was the one who asked me out. When we began she had extreme self-esteem issues. She had various problems of her own life and called herself “unlucky” and “unworthy”. But over years, I helped her change for the better. We were happy. We had our memories littered over places we visited, gifts we shared with each other, things we celebrated together. I always treated her right and with respect. I would try to cheer her up every time she was sad even if I was feeling down myself for some reason. I was always there to listen to her and supported her when ever she needed it.

I am a conservative introvert and have very few friends. She was one of the few who knew many of my life secrets that I wouldn't tell anyone otherwise. She felt like she was the only one who understood me and she really did.

I fell in love with her over time to a point where I would miss her badly if I didn't get to talk to her for a day. It's worth noting that we lived in different towns set apart by an hour or so if I used a rapid transit. So while we didn't meet up everyday, we made sure to talk everyday and more than once.

We both left our collages behind and went seeking jobs. Our lives became busier but we still made sure to talk at least once a day when we were not meeting up. This went on for another year.

Present:

Only recently she hardly talks so much anymore and for the last few days she even put my number up (along with others as she would claim) amongst the rejected callers list in her phone. When I did talk to her yesterday about it, she said she doesn't want to talk to anybody and she doesn't feel anything anymore. I've been getting hints of this for quite some time but I was assuming she was upset about something and wasn't a big deal. I figured things will go back to normal after I talked to her, as it normally happened.

She's a spiritual person and she somehow strongly believes that she will be a disaster in my life. She not only completely rejects the idea of us marrying some day (which she used to fantasize about once), she literally says I should see someone else and that it was my mistake to have ever loved her because she is a walking bad luck for me or something. I kept telling her the only disaster that she could bring upon me is pushing me away from her with these god-awful reasons between us but she seems cold and remains firm to her decision. From time to time she still shows signs of whatever is left of her emotions inside her but it's only so much.

Facts:

I'm a very rational and a logical person and I was aware she was spiritual before we even began dating. We did not have problems up until now. In fact we got along well and the contrast of reasoning between me and her kept the relationship alive and exciting. We also acknowledged and compromised with each other's decision making from time to time as needed to maintain harmony and we did well throughout these past years. I can be sure of one thing: she was never THIS stubborn in her spiritual beliefs and was never THIS broken from the inside. Even before I met her.

She had a tough life of her own. She has a sister. Her father runs a local business but doesn't do a great job at that and hadn't earned enough to make sure she could have a career she wanted. (Though as fate would have it, this is why we met ironically). Now she is pretty much forced to get a (even a poorly paying one) job just to support her sister's career and as if that weren't enough, her father often fails to earn anything at all and relies on her to support her family. I can only imagine the pressure on her is unbearable. I helped her out from time to time. And give her advices on how to be more strict on her part and let her do her savings. But she seems devoted and have a weakness for her family and she just cares too much for her own good.

Situation, again:

So now I feel like I'm stuck on a railway track and am seeing headlights approaching me fast. She may already be train wrecked but I could end up worse.

I promised myself once that I would never cry if things like this ever happen and every day it's getting harder and harder just to keep that promise. I was already a lonely person and she came to me and brightened up my life in a way. Like adding insult to injury, I'm not just losing her, I'm also being tormented by being alone again. All the happiness is being sucked out of me and the mere thought about being no longer be able to see her just hurts me more.

Maybe she still has feelings for me deep inside somewhere? Maybe her spiritual nonsense is taking over her? She may also have secrets she doesn't want to share because she believes sharing them will hurt her more. It doesn't make sense. I'm not really sure anymore.

What you would advice me to do and why it's not so easy:

If you would advice me to talk to her about it, I would say I already did. And the result were not very positive. She used to share her problems with me and us both would work to sort it out. But this time, she would just say her life is pretty much confirmed to be doomed and nothing can be done about it. Although she is pretty tight-lipped of recent, I got her to reveal hints about the work pressure she is under as of late. I also feel somebody or something must have reinforced her spiritual belief to such extent. Everything else, I have no clue about.

If you would advice me to help her get some counselling, I would call it a great idea that I thought myself at some point. Then I'd realize that she's like a possessed person and will reject any idea of correcting her "beliefs". She would downright refuse any help I want to give her.

If you would advice me to move on, I would say it's very difficult since our happy memories are nearly around everywhere I live. Every time I would look at that wind chime she got me my last birthday, I would probably lose myself in depression over what I have lost and what I am I missing. She would probably be haunting me every single night in my dreams and I'd pretty much need to run away from my home and everything for to even regain my sanity.

If you would want me to start by hating her for what she has done (or is doing) to me, I just can't do that. I love her too much to hate her. It may be very stupid of me, but I've tried to hate her but can't help missing her when I'm forcing myself to not talk to her or think about her.

If there are any other advices or workarounds for these problems I'm facing, I'm ready to pay attention.

My question:

This is tough because my question is as unclear as the fate of our relationship.

What? What can I do to fix this? This should be the obvious question but I feel like it can't be fixed anymore. I'm losing hope. And fast.

How? How can I forget her and erase my memories of her? I don't want to be haunted by her forever. I don't want to remember the great things we did together later on only to be reminded of what is gone forever. What I want right now is full amnesia or something. I don't even want to remember who I am.

The last thing I want is being reminded of her when and if I'm in a future relationship with somebody else. I don't know if I can forget her so easily.

And Why? Why can’t I just accept this and move on like someone amongst the readers would likely suggest? I want to move on. I want to forget her. I want to deny her total existence but I just can't. Without her, memories of me and her will become like gravestones as if to remind me of what's gone, every single day.

Even if I leave her, would I really be happy knowing she would be slowly dying inside of her? I don't think I can ever be at peace as long as I love her.

Future:

I don't know. Maybe if she gets a better job maybe she will see her senses. But seems very less likely. But I'm pretty sure I'll fall into a depression once... nah I've already BEGUN falling into depression already. Being rejected is one thing. But this is something else entirely. I won't be able to get over her easily.

I often keep myself buried in work at office or call a friend over to play videogames together with me just to feel normal. But it doesn't last forever. As soon as they are gone I feel lonely again. And then the thought of it all comes back to haunt me.

The girl I fell in love with over a few years of time has changed to become somebody who feels like anyone I barely know. A once fun-loving and cheerful girl who dreamed of settling down with me and having a nice family (that she herself lacked) turned into an overly emotion-less shut-in with no more hopes or dreams and enormous self-esteem issues.

I need to start over. I need to "Reset" my life and begin anew. Unfortunately I'm too attached and in love with a person who changed so abruptly for reasons unknown and is seemingly beyond any help I can provide.

I can't let her go. I can't stay with her. This is a cruel, cruel punishment for me. And I want peace. You think you can help me find peace in life? Maybe you have a peace formula you learned the hard way and feeling to share? I need all the help I could get.



Thank you so much for using your precious time and reading up to the end. I hope I wasn't terribly boring. I really appreciate you bearing with me so far.

[smackie9]

From my experience, even tho you feel there is no on else out there for you, the fact of the matter is, there can be. Yes you can live without this person, but right now your emotions prevent you from seeing that. Also what I have learned in life is that you can't fix every situation, and have to learn to accept the outcome, no matter how stubborn you are being. It won't change a thing, no matter how much you have invested or willing to invest....it take TWO to repair a relationship, so if she isn't willing, you can force it, there is only two choices.....sit and wait for things to change with her, or separate.

Sometimes separating can have a positive side. It can take the pressure off so you both can focus on other things, and make improvements, so when you both are ready, you can approach your relationship with a new perspective.

[missinglife]

From my experience, even tho you feel there is no on else out there for you, the fact of the matter is, there can be. Yes you can live without this person, but right now your emotions prevent you from seeing that. Also what I have learned in life is that you can't fix every situation, and have to learn to accept the outcome, no matter how stubborn you are being. It won't change a thing, no matter how much you have invested or willing to invest....it take TWO to repair a relationship, so if she isn't willing, you can force it, there is only two choices.....sit and wait for things to change with her, or separate.

Sometimes separating can have a positive side. It can take the pressure off so you both can focus on other things, and make improvements, so when you both are ready, you can approach your relationship with a new perspective.

Thanks for your feedback smackie9. I've been thinking of giving her the space she needs and back off for a while too, to wait and see if anything changes. It'll be hard and will probably affect my daily lifestyle some way when I choose not to phone her everyday like I used to. But this is probably for the best and maybe, finally I can reach a conclusion instead of hanging-in there.

Once again, thank you for reading and providing your advice.