Heartache City - could do with decent advice

[Lilo19]

Hi All,

Can I just say a massive thanks for reading and hopefully advising me on this.

3 years+ together, couple of break ups, 6 year age gap. In spite of the break ups there is a strong emotional/physical bond between us and I know it sounds cliche but we do love each other.

No one else involved. No deceit or lies. Just miscommunication and fear of rejection on both sides really.

We had a massive row about 7/8 weeks ago, over something really trivial...but as the dust has settled I can see now we were pushing each other away. He wanted to attend a celebration where there would be people who have caused us angst in the past and usually I'd raise my head high and put on my 'show face' but loads has gone on with family recently and you know when you just don't think you can?! That!! :-)

Instead of talking it through he - I felt - put up a wall and refused to see the issue and so - not wanting to appear controlling - I played okay with his going.

He went. I wasn't okay. Both of us bickered afterwards. It manifested in a massive row and I asked him to leave. It wasn't what I wanted at all but I felt as though he was expecting so much of me and not prepared to give that back. I don't socialise (and don't especially want to) but when I do - there's awkwardness, questions, controlling behaviour ... All under the guide of care. We spent all our time together and if I ever worked late he would pass comment and criticise, which I kind if understand but my job wasn't flexi like his?

Long story ... Lol ... We spent time together over the holidays, as it was already organised and he played taxi when i went out with work ... Staying over...I KNOW!! There were hugs as I left at Christmas, panicked texts and calls. Followed by late night texts in the early hours which, I took my time to respond to and did my best to appear calm and confident after the first week post break up of tears, texts and calls!!

When he was away with work he was sending me picture messages, more recently has been to collect his things (my insistence) and it's clear there's still feelings there but he won't open up.

I did the whole NC and it had great results - he was hounding me and even rang but I just CBA playing games. We're at the 'occasional communication' stage, he says 'this is the best way' but then goes into panic mode if it looks like I'm moving on? He's going back into his cave and I am trying so hard to just let it happen but the longer this goes on the more I hurt. Pitiful I know!!!

There's obvious hurt on both sides. Ultimately, I'd like to reconcile and work through the hurt together but it's happened a couple of times now and I just need to know if I ought to just move on?

We both have trust issues, commitment is a scary word for both of us and I think we both push away instead of talking it through.

Someone say something sensible ... But be kind lol cos this hurts like hell right now.

Lilo x

[BackUpOrGetStng]

Doesn't sound like a relationship worth saving. Block him, and start moving on. Ignore all contact.

[Lilo19]

Thanks for the quick response. I get how people would say that without knowing the finer details of the relationship and tbh you're probably right but I'm invested! He's a very guarded person emotionally and when I say controlling it's not in a manipulative way as such.

He's a very caring person and was very supportive through family issues so maybe I haven't painted him in a positive light.

I've done what I can to apologise for my part, and he has 'sort of' apologised, acknowledging that his decision to attend the function played a big part in the fall out.

I feel like I was foolish to expect so much of someone? Why wasn't I okay with his going?

If he didn't want to reconcile why would he spend the holidays together, text in the dead of night and constantly ask me if I'm okay when we meet to exchange belongings?!

If this were one of my pals I'd be telling them to move on and find somebody else but I'm not exactly easy to be with either. None of us are perfect I guess?!

He tells me he misses me and texts like crazy when I'm out with friends - there's a feeling of urgency in terms of meeting up and he's been so good about our cash situ and possessions ...am I looking for something that isn't there? Is this a classic case of he doesn't want it but reluctant to let me move on? He was furious when I asked him (I KNOW!) of there was someone else and demanded to know if I'd moved on?!

I just figure after 7/8 weeks of continuous communication, if it were definitely over then why isn't it?
Thing is though, I recognise that right now this is a damaging situation to be in as it's living in limbo waiting for someone to behave in a way they currently can't/won't/might never and so I should just focus on moving on right?

Lilo x

[basilandthyme]

Lilo, your last paragraph speaks volumes. DON'T EVER continue in a relationship which requires someone else to change. If you can't accept and love them for who they are, then move on and find someone else who is more suited to you.