Where do I stand with her?

[Jay T]

I recently made an impulsive choice that ended up being a huge mistake and I would like some outsiders' opinions on the situation.

My ex fiance and I separated this summer in the first week of July. It was a clean break up: she said she wasn't happy with me anymore and wanted to split. While I wasn't happy about this and reluctant to accept it, I did understand that for the past few months I had a lot going on in my life which was making it extremely hard to contribute to our relationship in a positive manner; in fact, I often was too caught up with what was going on in my life to even show how much I appreciated or loved her. I was screwing up, she wasn't happy, so I let her go.

However, this past semester her group of friends have made my life a complete hell through drama and trash-talking behind my back. It's a small college town and we all go to the same university, so it's natural to see familiar faces at the bars or public hangout spots. Every time I went out on the town with another woman either as a date or just a hook up, without fail one of my ex's friends would pull the woman aside to say something about me which would result in me going home alone. Despite all of this, I managed to find a woman with whom I had a good relationship for 2-months before she broke up with me. When I asked her why, she said she just didn't feel like things were going to work out for much longer, she wouldn't be anymore specific than that.

So winter break rolls along and it's been 5 months since I've spoken to my ex fiance. Christmas night comes along and I have plans to go out with my best friend who's back in town; he cancels when I'm already at the bar, not wanting to drink alone I text the only person who I know is still in town: my ex. I ask if she'd like to grab a drink, she says yes, I tell her which bar I'm at, she shows up. We spend the rest of the night (roughly 4 hours) talking about what's been happening in each others lives and catching up in general, we parted ways at the end of the night. The next day she texts me saying that she had a lot of fun the previous night and that she's happy she came out, so I invite her to go out with me again the following Saturday. Again, we have a great time just talking. She seemed happy to have me back in her life, and I felt the same.

New Year's comes and goes, I'm just enjoying my break when I get a call from the woman I just had the 2-month relationship with. As it turns out, she broke up with me because one of my ex's friends pulled her aside when she was out one night and said some things that scared her off. Now of course, this irritates me and I immediately shoot out some texts to my ex chewing out her friends and their behavior. Naturally, this upsets her. I quickly calm down and apologize, though she doesn't respond. We start talking again once spring semester begins, but, this time when I invite her out for drinks she ignores me for a long stretch. When she did text back it was a "we'll see".

I learned today that one of my closest friends had lunch with my ex since they have a class together. According to her, my ex is extremely upset about the texts I sent her, and apparently she's not completely accepting my apology. However, she did mention how much fun she had going out with me on Christmas and the following Saturday, she hasn't decided if she'll accept my invite to go out this weekend or not, and she wishes she knew what I was thinking and how I feel about us in general.

My current plan is to call her and apologize again: I was wrong and I should not be contacting her about something she was not involved in, especially in the manner that I did. But, I had fun going out with her and I would like to do it again. Is there an ideal time to do this or should I do it ASAP? I enjoy having her back in my life as a friend and I don't want to lose that. I feel like she gave me a second chance in her own way and I just completely blew it in a moment of bad judgement.

Also, I do not know the inner-workings of the female mind: Is there a reason she doesn't feel comfortable confronting me about the texts I sent her? Or just asking me directly what I'm thinking and how I feel? Did going out together change her opinion of us as a couple and I only hurt her again because of my knee-jerk reaction to text her in anger? I would like to have some sort of idea of what's going through her mind; I made enough mistakes when we were engaged, I don't want to also screw up a chance at having her in my life again as a friend.

[basilandthyme]

Also, I do not know the inner-workings of the female mind: Is there a reason she doesn't feel comfortable confronting me about the texts I sent her? Or just asking me directly what I'm thinking and how I feel?

When someone repeatedly upsets you, it's advisable to cut them out of your life. It's likely she doesn't even want to talk to you, let alone confront you.

That being said, wanting her as a friend is a bad decision. Do you really think that either your or her future partners will appreciate the two of you being close? The best that you should aim for is being civil aquaintances.

[Lovebugg]

You need to really give yourself some space for some self respect