Ending it when it isn’t “official.”

[Amie7917]

The Overview:

Myself and “K” met on an online dating site in mid-October. His profile specified that he was looking for “the one” but isn’t in any particular rush, while my profile was vague in that regard.

We get along great, inside and outside the bedroom. But on my part, at least, I really just feel like…just friends…with him. I’m not sure how he feels about me.

The question:

Do we have to sit down and have a conversation about this? As long as he doesn’t bring anything up, I have no problem just assuming that we’re in a non-exclusive, casually dating/FWB scenario. However, a large fraction of my female friends assume that if they’re sleeping with someone, it’s automatically an exclusive, committed relationship, and feel outraged and used if they find out their guy didn’t feel the same. Is this a gender thing? Or could K be thinking the same thing, and as such we need to talk about it/end it immediately? If generation makes a difference, I’m mid 20’s and he’s early 40’s.

Additional details:

I’ve since deleted my profile from that website (for unrelated reasons) and K is still on it frequently. We take turns paying if we go out (usually stay in, since he has a small child.) I’ve met one of his friends, he’s met none of mine. We spend the night, and leave before noon the next day. We usually text daily about mundane stuff. He rarely asks questions about my life other than what I was up to the night before or what I think about something we just watched on tv; but he’s told me a sizeable chunk of his life story (this is actually a positive, since I dislike talking about myself, but it is noteable because typically when I date someone who is interested in a relationship, they try to get me to talk more about myself.) We make a lot of plans last minute (THIS is a negative, I’m a planner.) Oh and every movie we end up watching together has a wedding scene it. EVERY movie. To the point it’s getting creepy.


TL,DR: Am I a jerk if I just assume we’re friends with benefits?

[BackUpOrGetStng]

If he's still on the site, then you're definitely fine in keeping things the way they are. He's early 40s, you're mid2 20s and not asking for a relationship...he's in heaven. He's definitely old enough to make his feelings known if he wants something more. Sounds like a good situation for everyone involved. Enjoy it.

[Wakeup]

You're not "definately" fine. You can continue to assume or you can talk it out so that you're both FOR SURE knowing that you are on the same page and that if feelings should change for either one of you, you'll talk about them as they arise (if ever). Assuming you are or you are not sexually exclusive isn't good for your sexual health or your emotional health.

Be adult and discuss the dynamic, the fact that neither one of you will be afraid to voice any changes and that you'll both be good to one another by continuing to wear rubbers so that both of you will be doing your best to keep yourselves free of desease and the least likely to be spreading any.

Be on birth control pills as well as long as you are not insisting on exclusivity or commitment. Be cognizant of the fact that there is the morning after pill available to you should you not be on the pill and the rubber mal-functions. Don't hesitate to ask your Pharmacist for one.

We can't assume that you are definately "fine" in keeping things the way they are anymore then we can assume that you are not "fine" in keeping things the way they are. Just because he's still going on the dating site doesn't guarantee he's still looking. Just as being off the site or hiding/closing your account can guarantee exlusivity.

[basilandthyme]

I'm not sure what the question is. Are you trying to find a way to end it (as per your title) or are you trying to find out if you're exclusive (as per the text)?

[Rowen]

I think it best if you speak with him about it... That way, you're not jumping to conclusions about his feelings. Regardless of whether or not he still has his profile.

[Amie7917]

Thanks to you all. And while you're all very correct in that a chat is necessary (and I've got birth control/protection covered, cheers) ...how long into "seeing" someone should that chat occur? I'd guess around the 3 month mark, depending on a number of factors, but I've never initiated one before.

[Wakeup]

Thanks to you all. And while you're all very correct in that a chat is necessary (and I've got birth control/protection covered, cheers)

Good for you, you'd be surprised how many of these types of threads we read where BC/protection isn't covered.

...how long into "seeing" someone should that chat occur? I'd guess around the 3 month mark, depending on a number of factors, but I've never initiated one before.

Since I don't like being in a multiple sexual partner situation with anyone, I think as soon as you're going to become sexual that the "chat" should take place.

BTW: Do you want to end this thang you got going with this guy? Do you want to have more then sexual relationship with him or are you hoping that that's all he wants with you? What does "Ending It When You're Not Official" have to do with what you've stated in your Opening Post.

[Amie7917]

I don't sleep with multiple people at one time, but I have no problem with my partner doing so, so I guess that's why I figure as long as I'm fine with the situation there's no need for me to initiate a chat. But you're right in that it might not be fair.

You're right, my title is a bit misleading...well, I like the situation exactly as it is right now (FWB or casual dating) I'm just wondering if I should end it as to not lead him on. Why I lean towards that option over having a "what are we" discussion is that in the last situation I had like this, we immediately explicitly agreed that it would remain very casual (he had JUST signed his divorce papers, I was moving across the country in 6 months) and he ended up wanting WAY more.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

Trust me. If it ain't broke, don't fix it. If he wants something more from you, it is on him to express that. If you bring this up, he's going to think something is up, and somehow or another it will probably change the dynamic somehow.

[Wakeup]

I don't sleep with multiple people at one time, but I have no problem with my partner doing so, so I guess that's why I figure as long as I'm fine with the situation there's no need for me to initiate a chat. But you're right in that it might not be fair.

You're right, my title is a bit misleading...well, I like the situation exactly as it is right now (FWB or casual dating) I'm just wondering if I should end it as to not lead him on. Why I lean towards that option over having a "what are we" discussion is that in the last situation I had like this, we immediately explicitly agreed that it would remain very casual (he had JUST signed his divorce papers, I was moving across the country in 6 months) and he ended up wanting WAY more.

You know what makes casual sexual relationships NOT A BIG GIANT PROBLEM. The fact that BOTH parties know what is going on and have the informed decision on whether to continue on or not. If you have an inkling that this man is falling in love with you, then don't you think that an honest discussion about what YOU don't want and him deciding when having full disclosure is the best way to facilitate NO BIG GIANT PROBLEMS?

I find that this "don't rock the boat" scenerio from BUOGS is for those that fear they will lose what they have if they are honest and straight forward. That indicates to me a general lack of confidence in who they are and how the maintain (or are unable to) their NSA sexual relationships.

Now, I'm coming from a place of having personal boundaries and convictions that are a lifestype rather then a fleeting fansy... others mileage may very. All I know is if you've disclosed and he still wants to be with you after having full knowledge then that's on him and you can carry on without having to start threads asking us what we'd do because your personal rules and your boundaries and your convictions would never change and you'd have your answer.

Have fun, be safe, don't assume.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

I was telling her not to "rock the boat", because he would probably think she is the one catching feelings. The guy is in his ****ing 40s and is still on the goddamn website after seeing her for 3 months..I seriously doubt he is falling in love.

Wakeup, I'm pretty straight forward. The last nsa relationship I had/have, came about when I told the girl I was seeing, that I wasn't interested in anything long term with her and was trying to break things off.

[Wakeup]

I was telling her not to "rock the boat", because he would probably think she is the one catching feelings.

How would he think that if she told him that she didn't want more?

The guy is in his ****ing 40s and is still on the goddamn website after seeing her for 3 months..I seriously doubt he is falling in love.

You nor I know that. Besides even if we knew that as the truth, it makes no difference as to why full disclosure is a good thing to have when in NSA sexual trists. Particularily if they are not keeping it sex only and are 'dating' and/or having over-nighters which totally blurs the lines when bonding rituals are taking place.

Wakeup, I'm pretty straight forward. The last nsa relationship I had/have, came about when I told the girl I was seeing, that I wasn't interested in anything long term with her and was trying to break things off.

That's great... I hope you told her that before you fkd her or at the very least, did it before the lines got blurred.

@ OP: A good way to keep this new guy from doing what the last guy did (ending up wanting more) is to make sure that he feels comfortable to bring up the subject himself if they dynamic is becoming blurry to him. That way you can end it immediately if you are still only wanting casual fks while he wants committed, exclusivity to the nth degree.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

How would he think that if she told him that she didn't want more?

It shows that their dynamic is on her mind. It's been a few months, and it just comes off as a, "What are we?", conversation which typically implies someone wants more. Even if it's not the case, that's how I think it will be received. He's an older guy with a younger chick, and I'd bet he's been doing his best not to rock the boat as well. This is probably not the first girl in his 20s he's gone after, and I'm sure he's aware their propensity to fall in love with older guys who have no interest in anything serious with them. It's to the point of ubiquitous, cultural cliche.

That's great... I hope you told her that before you fkd her or at the very least, did it before the lines got blurred.

We were fking before I decided I couldn't handle some of her behavior indefinitely. What do you mean, before the lines got blurred? Also related to the OPs story, this girl started off by coming out, unprompted ad stating she wasn't looking for anything serious, but rescinded this statement after going out with me a few more times.

[Wakeup]

It shows that their dynamic is on her mind. It's been a few months, and it just comes off as a, "What are we?", conversation which typically implies someone wants more.

It doesn't have to be a 'what are we' conversation. It just has to be a conversation about what it was to her in the beginning and what she expects it to still be and is he on that same page.

Even if it's not the case, that's how I think it will be received.

and that's how it likely would be received if she works it the way you're assuming she will.

an older guy with a younger chick, and I'd bet he's been doing his best not to rock the boat as well.

I bet he hasn't. Both bets are worthless btw since neither of us or the Op even know what is in this guy's mind.

This is probably not the first girl in his 20s he's gone after,

more assumption

and I'm sure he's aware their propensity to fall in love with older guys who have no interest in anything serious with them.

How pretentious. Not to mention yet another assumption. Assumptions are what I'm advising op NOT do.

It's to the point of ubiquitous, cultural cliche.

Do tell! O,O

[BackUpOrGetStng]

Considering I prefaced what I said with, "I think", "I'd bet", and "probably"...I'm well aware these are assumptions. The OP was asking for opinions and I gave mine, and said why.

The bets are only worthless, because we're not risking anything on them, so perhaps you mean both assumptions are worthless? Bets are a wager placed on a guess, based on the probability of an outcome, or if you're stupid, based on emotion. I think it's quite probable that a man dating someone 20 years younger, while still active on the dating site he met her on months ago, and not having brought up his feelings is not looking for anything serious with her.

It is cliche. Girl has daddy issues, girl dates men 20-30 years older. Happens all the time. Men do it too, I'm sure, but sugar mommas are harder to come by.