Ambitions put first, can relationship survive?

[Giulia1]

Hello,

Me and my partner are 22, we have been together for 2 years and lived together for 1. We are both away from out home country and studying engineering in one of the top 10 universities in the world.

Right now we are in Europe, we study more than 10 hours per day average, we have 1 year left to finish our master degree, then we both want to achieve a PhD.

Over the past year, what satisfies me has changed a lot. I always wanted a family one day, but now the idea of waiting until I'm 30something has become not happy at all. I still want to have a PhD and everything, and I'm not thinking of getting married or kids any time before I finish that. But I want to emotionally commit to my partner, I want to stick to him through our future studies until we are ready to start a family together.

I really believe this person is the one I want to stick to for my life. I would not want to give this person up for ambitions because I believe it would be reaaaaly hard for me to find anyone else that makes me nearly as happy as him. I know feelings can change, (and that's why I'm not asking for a commitment like a marriage), but I would totally take the risk of sticking to my partner no matter of the external factors such as universities that accept us, for the possibility of then having a future together.

My partner says that I'm the person he wants to spend the rest of his life with, and he doesn't think he could find anyone that makes him as happy as me. He is, though, way more ambitious than me. He's grown up with the idea that he has to achieve something really big in life in terms of career/studies. He wants to apply for the best university in US, take a PhD of average of 6 years, then spend few years building a successful career and only then, past his 30s, start building a family. He says that he would not give up his dreams for any person in the world because he would regret that for the rest of his life.

So, this is my situation:

-I'm unsatisfied with pure studying as the meaning of my life. I want to feel I'm working towards a good relationship, that what would make me happy.
-My partner dream for the next 10 years implies insecurity in what the relationship will be + for sure no idea of family before our 30s.
-I believe both dreams our understandable, just different.

- I'd like to achieve a 3 years PhD, then start working on a family in my late 20s. He'd like to work on a family in his 30s. Even if we stick together through our PhDs, I'd need to wait that late for the dream of a family
- If I want to stick by him for the PhD, I have to go to US therefore study for 6 years, I might honestly get depressed if that is all my life is going to be for that long
-If I decide to stick to him, and we do not get into the same university, the amount he is willing to compromise is about 3 rankings, so we might even end up not being able to stick to each other for PhD. Meaning spending 6 years in different continents.
-He assures me he really does want a family and when the moment will come, he won't be one of those "workoholic", not being there for kids and wife...but with these premises, is that likely?

We have stick together through so much, we have seen the worst in each other, helped each other out, grew together. Everything we have shared and achieve is just amazing, we both believe in our team. If there is anything I can do to save the relationship, I want to go for it.

[basilandthyme]

You're absolutely right that your dreams are both understandable but different. It's quite refreshing to read someone who's mature enough to recognise this instead of wanting agreement that the partner to be *wrong* for their choices.

I'm not sure this is meant to be. While his dreams are admirable, I do think that in order to work well a relationship needs to be a higher priority. Also, you're talking a lot of self sacrifice for his dreams - but I'm seeing very little compromise on his part. He talks about how he'd regret for the rest of his life if he didn't pursue his dreams...but I'm not seeing that he'd regret for the rest of his life if his pursuit of career ended this relationship.

If you were to stay on, I'd like to think he'd put the relationship and his career on equal footing. I'd want to see him trying to figure out how to be successful at both work and love. And to be honest, I'm dubious that he really would be around for the kids.... I find it difficult to imagine that someone with such career drive would pull back in 10 years.

Lastly, be wary of someone who wants you to put your childbearing on hold till you're in your 30s. Fertility wise, you're so much better off following your own timeline. How would you feel if you waited till your 30s and then found that you had trouble conceiving?

Only you can make the decision....so I guess I just want to reassure you that your concerns have much merit. Don't ignore your gut feeling. Also, you're still young - if you did end things, you've got plenty of time to meet someone who's more suited to you.