What's my next step ?

[Hannah123]

Hello
Looking for some advice. Hope you can help.
My boyfriend ended things a month ago after 3 years together. He was the kindest most loving person I have ever met and told me I was the love of his life. Long story short, whilst it was a great relationship I had issues with black moods. He was very patient in the early days but his tolerance gradually decreased. We'd had a couple of previous occasions where we'd nearly split up but he forgave me.
This time I froze him out on holiday for a couple of days. By the time I'd come out of my funk, his mind was made up we were over. He tells me he still loves me and misses me. I did the whole begging, pleading, promising to change and whilst he was sympathetic, all he would say is he didn't know what to do. Up until a week ago he was responding at great length to messages. He even initiated contact and invited me to dinner. While I was there he was very affectionate and it was like we were still a couple but there was no talk of a reconciliation.
Last week during a long heartfelt online chat, I again tried to win him round and again he said he didn't know what to say or do. I told him that if he was going to change his mind he would have by now but I understood. Whilst I didn't actually tell him I'd given up I felt that the next contact needed to come from him. He's now joined match.com and hasn't got in touch again.
Should I give up or could there still be a chance ? If there may be should I leave him to contact me or message him now and again just to let him know I still care ?
Thank you

[Wakeup]

Give up on him and while your single, get some personal therapy to help you stop having these funks and black moods you get into. You can't expect anyone to be able to put up with up and down roller coaster emotions. It's not healthy for him or anyone else to try and do that with you and I don't know of one person (well maybe one but he's a nut case) that would tell this guy to stick it out with you when you aren't in a healthy place and therefore capable of maintaining a relationship free of ongoing dysfunction.

Work on yourself to help you to be the best you that you can be and then you'll be able to keep things happy withint your relationships, romantic and otherwise.

Be well.

[Hannah123]

Thank you. I guess that's what his friends have been telling him, but I needed an objective point of view, however hard it is to hear.

[Wakeup]

Hannah: There's lots of help out there for you. You deserve to be happy and more level in your moods. Go to your family doctor and explain to him whats been going on with you. Hopefully he'll refer you to a good psychologist and not just put you on medication. In fact, insist that he does and don't just settle for drugs. Its best to get to the bottom of why your moods tend to get black and then hopefully learning coping tools (along with your medication if needed) that will stop you from getting to that point again.

Best to you.

[kazza.king]

To be perfectly honest, he sounds like he's picking and choosing the parts of the relationship that work for him, and is ignoring the tough parts. I am horrendously familiar with my own black moods, and know that they are a part of who I am, and if someone can't deal with them, then they can't deal with me. Someone who can't take the good and the bad together isn't truly worth it - and someone who wants you to change to be their ideal certainly isn't worth it.

[Wakeup]

To be perfectly honest, he sounds like he's picking and choosing the parts of the relationship that work for him, and is ignoring the tough parts. I am horrendously familiar with my own black moods, and know that they are a part of who I am, and if someone can't deal with them, then they can't deal with me. Someone who can't take the good and the bad together isn't truly worth it - and someone who wants you to change to be their ideal certainly isn't worth it.

And someone who doesn't want to change something that is negative and alarming to others isn't worth it either. That's why Op's boyfriend has excused himself from the relationship. Being excused from a relationship will keep happening to people who are not nice to be around but think that, that's just fine and everyone else can fk off.

Your life... just sayin.

[Hannah123]

Ok thanks Ladies, I didn't mean to start such a heated debate. I think both opinions are valid. Wakeup I appreciate your advice about getting some professional help. You're right it isn't fair to subject the one you love to that, but equally kazza.king is spot on from the perspective of someone who can identify with my issues. The vast majority of the time I treated him damn well. He treated me like a princess and told me he was willing to see past my moods so this turn of events has completely thrown me. Not helped by the fact he still contacts me to tell me he loves me. It's confusing the hell out of me. That said he's probably confused as well.

[Wakeup]

Saying he is "willing to see past your moods" and actually being able to do it are two different things. Luv. And kazza.king's attitude may be spot on (with people that have your same issues) but it does nothing to facilitate a happy, healthy relationship that your partner can tolerate.

He obviously can't live up to his words so forget them. Words are just words that mean nothing if the actions don't match them.

Don't return his contact. Work on getting better. That's what's important here and zero contact is the only way to rehab from someone who can't live up to their words.

[smackie9]

He may say nice things but he still saw the same old with you and didn't want this cycle to start again, when you beg, he forgives, things go sour, he wants to end it, repeat. The issue with both of you was that "Your moods" were just tolerated and not were not properly addressed....this is where you both failed. He doesn't have the will or strength to deal with it anymore so he is trying to see what else is out there, all the power to him. You learn from your experience and work on this "Mood" thing you have described. Focus on yourself, finding yourself, doing new things, finding new interests, etc. Maybe getting out this relationship is a blessing in disguise, so take this opportunity to make improvements that will have ever lasting positive results in your life and future relationships.