lies after emotional affair to avoid confrontation?

[josie33]

so my OH had ea with a woman at work. i have been trying to rebuild trust the last 6 months. he has given me open access to anything to prove he is no longer texting her etc including phone bills, card bills etc if i want. he finishes work before me each day and at a variable time (half our give or take each way), most days i ask what time he left work. today i found a reciept in his car for petrol he brought a few days ago which doesnt tie up with when he says he finished. ok its about 15min out. i asked him about it and we got in an argement. he said he is fed up with having to relay his schedule each day and sometimes he didnt even bother looking to see when he left so he would just tell me what was the norm so i wouldnt worry. he seems to think he has saved me from worrying or being suspicious by doing this as he was trying to avoid any more questions or arguing. he said it matter as its only 10min either way but he just dnt like being questioned everyday. i know i have been pestering him abit but do feel upset as when he was having the EA he admitted to meeting her after work for half hour or so. he says i need to forget and move on. am i just bg paranoid now?

[basilandthyme]

Josie, I just had a refresher of your old posts.

I know trust can't come back easily, but I agree that him having to report all his movements to you is too much. If you're still struggling so much after this time and needing minute details of his day, I'm thinking that it's time to end it. Thing is, if you continue like this you'll drive him away anyway.

[vashti]

What's an "OH"?

I think he is right; you either need to choose to forgive and trust him, or you need to break up. It is ridiculous expecting that you should be allowed to be so controlling as to make him account for 10 minutes out of his day. You do not need to ensure that he is aware of every single time you feel insecure.

[josie33]

oh - other half

just bothered me as he admitted he told me any old time everyday for months as he cdnt be bothered to look. makes me wonder if there was a reason he wdnt know what time he has been leaving

[josie33]

and he said he hasnt lied he 'just bent the truth - as its roughly the same time everyday he finishes give or take 10min' so he didnt see a prob with it

[basilandthyme]

Your justifications of why you're worried doesn't change the advice given. You either need to make the decision to start trusting.....or end things. But keeping such close tabs on him is completely unacceptable.

[JadenMia]

Sorry, but you seem to be treating him like you own him. Which, you don't. You chose to carry on your relationship with him, which is also like saying you will move on from the mistake. Right? Well you obviously haven't moved on from it and are punishing him everyday.
Building trust again should be about trusting each other.. Not keeping tabs about his every move..
If you want to be with him, then I advise you to respect him as a person and allow him to have some privacy!!! Everybody is entitled to their own privacy. Try actually TRUSTING him to re build the trust.
If he breaks it, then leave. If he doesn't, then you can begin to trust again.
If you don't feel you can do that, do both yourselves a favour and just end it.

[4 ratties]

Having to know what he's doing 24/7 is not trust.

[josie33]

but how will i know if he still speaks to this woman at work? i didnt know for months what was going on. how am i supposed to see these red flags when he works with her? im scared of finding out he is still friends with her

[JadenMia]

but how will i know if he still speaks to this woman at work? i didnt know for months what was going on. how am i supposed to see these red flags when he works with her? im scared of finding out he is still friends with her

You won't, you will just trust that he's not. That's what trust is. If he breaks the trust and has another affair, you will eventually find out. Which then you can leave him. But if you do want it to work, you have to just let it be and learn to trust again.
No matter what, you cannot control another person. He will cheat if he is going to, whether you are keeping tabs on him or not.
I'm sorry, but it is likely if you carry on this behaviour that you will drive him away or to another woman who actually respects him.

[josie33]

went bk to work today after some time off. not going to question him now about when he leaves work. did ask him if he saw her today and he said no but he smirked a bit. i asked why and he said he just dnt understand y i needed to ask, he would tell me if he had seen her as that was the deal. can u read into a smirk? really cant stand the thought of him speaking to her at work

[Starnique]

This relationship is way too complicated. If you have to question him about everything and wonder about what he's doing at work and him reporting back and forth to you, then just leave him already. The trust is gone. The both of you have gots to be miserable going thru this all of the time.

[michelle23]

I agree that its time to end this. What is the point torturing yourself every day and having all this constant anxiety, worry and stress? Would it not be easier to start fresh and not live with this constant fear and doubt daily?

[josie33]

interesting u removed ur comment about smirking being a sign of lying - speculative

[michelle23]

I removed it because there is no point making you more paranoid since you have decided to stay but I do think this relationship has ran its course, it has become dysfunctional, there is no trust, neither of you are happy and his "smirking" does make me think he is sneaky (not necessarily that he is lying but like hes enjoying your pain or somehow gets off on it)

You have not resolved the issues or figured out WHY he strayed. He has not taken steps to ensure this doesn't happen again (if I remember correctly he said he wont do it again as long as you treat him right-something like that) that isn't owning up to his actions and taking responsibility for HIS behavior. Blaming you for his choices and decisions regardless of whats going on in the relationship is a cop out

He needs to get into counselling to resolve whatever issues led to his bad choices and then you need couples counselling. We told you that 6 months ago and you ignored it. Infidelity is never easy to forgive and much much harder to forget. And rebuilding trust is like breaking a vase and putting all the broken pieces back together..

That is a lot of work. Is he worth it? If yes, then start taking steps to rebuild the emotional connection before you destroy each other

Your going round and round in circles and this isn't healthy. I assume you want to start a family at some point? You cant bring kids into this mess so either accept its over and move on to a new chapter or get help because this relationship wont fix itself