Have I been betrayed or am I overreacting?? Help!

[ConfusedinCO]

Hi! I'm new to this online advice forum stuff but I'm desperate for a little advice. Your time and thoughts are greatly appreciated

Details: In a relationship for 5.5 years, living together for 1.5 years. He's 18 years my senior.*
We have an incredible relationship. I can't remember a single fight we've had. We're both very spontaneous & try to squeeze all the fun out of life and us that we can! Everyone's always saying how good we are together and how fun we are to be around. We're great together! I love him more than I thought I could. This is the longest relationship I've ever been in. *I thought we were both very happy.*
He was involved in the swinger lifestyle when we met. I'm was not, never have been, not interested. He gave that up when we started to get serious. I did Not ask him to, he did it on his own and was quite proud to share the news with me when he cut those ties. He said at the time that the sex was empty & unfulfilling and the lifestyle had simply become a means to get sex.*
I recently found out that, without my permission, he's been posting pictures of me that we've taken together on wife sharing/swinging websites. He's not only posting my pictures (which I didn't even mind so much when i found out I thought it was kind of hot and the ego boost from all the positive feedback was nice) but he's using My pictures to trade with other men online for pictures of their significant others! He's created a Tumbler account in our names that he's using to make connections with other swinging/sharing couples. He communicates with women who post pictures & videos there. This account is separate from his personal account in which he follows thousands of sharing/swinging couples.*
He's answered some kind of Craigslist post in both our names with the response "hi this is T__ & A___ and we're very interested in getting started but would like to keep our identities hidden" What?! Don't know what the ad was he was responding to. This freaks me out more than some of the other issues because he used Craigslist before to find random sexual partners and to know he's browsing the ads again is devastating. Just this morning I found a cheap rhinestone on his passenger seat in his car that I would've thought twice about & would've just assumed was mine before but now I really question that.*
We've tried to have conversations about all of this over the last week but it's not going so well. My emotions are kind of raw and I think he feels I'm trying to control him.*
He told me that a relationship with someone who's "vanilla" wouldn't last for him. When I told him he knew from the beginning I wasn't into swinging he asked "well, what Are you into or are you past all that" I was quite promiscuous in my teens and twenties.*
I was Shocked to hear that he thinks I'm so boring and vanilla. I'm the sluttiest girl I know!! Of all my friends, coworkers & relatives, I'm the one who makes people blush when I talk about my sex life, interests and sexual adventures! **
I'm very open sexual, love toys All kinds (not just for me) Big ones, suction cup ones, remote control ones for a little public play, anal ones, strap one ones, strip teasing, anal play, pictures, watching adult movies together, going to crazy sex hotels together, flashing him in public for a little excitement and a few photo opportunities and over the last few weeks posting those pictures online, chatting with a few men and and watching a few get off on webcams because thats what he likes. Hope that wasn't too graphic, but we're all adults here, right?
I'm always ready and willing Anytime my man wants me even when that's in the middle of the night to wake me up for a quickie. In the paking lot of Home Depot. Anytime!*
Most men would be happy and very satisfied to have a sexual partner like me. I've Never been told I was boring or vanilla in the bedroom. Never! I've always been told just the opposite. Usually that they've never been with someone so sexual, *so open, so nasty.*
My greatest sexual pleasure & satisfaction comes from pleasing him, making him feel good and happy and I do most anything to ensure his satisfaction. Sharing him with other women & swinging isn't one of things I'm willing to do. I'm beyond hurt to know that he's not satisfied in our relationship.*
Before anyone suggest it's my lack of confidence or self esteem, it's not. I've seen picture of his exes and not to put them down but I'm much prettier, sexier and younger than any of them.*
I love him, he's a good man, great boyfriend, wonderful father and stepfather to my teenage child.*
I keep thinking maybe I need to just suck it up and continue to do whatever makes him happy even If that's different than what used to make him happy. If it means having sex with other couples or sitting back while he exchanges my pictures for other women's then so be it. I don't know how long I could do it but maybe I should try.*
I fear if I tell him I won't do these things then we'll be over. He'll consider me too vanilla and I don't know how I could trust him anymore.*
I've cried more over the last week than I have in a looong while (I'm not terribly emotional) and I just really need a little advice.*
I've never turned to an online advice forum before but this is something I can't talk to friends or family about. I can just hear them now.. 'perv, creep, jerk, leave him' *I couldn't stand to listen to anyone say those things about him and I don't want my friends or family to think he's anything less than the wonderful man he is.*

I feel lost

Thank you

[basilandthyme]

Confused, I'll warn you now that "perv, creep, jerk, leave him" is pretty much going to be the response you'll get here too.

Putting your pictures on the internet without your permission - and trading them - is an incredible breach of your privacy and trust. Especially if you were partially or fully nude (you didn't say if you were dressed or not). And it's clear that he hasn't completely given up the swinger lifestyle. I'm afraid that I can't equate "good man, great boyfriend" with someone who you clearly can't trust to treat you in a respectful manner in terms of sex and privacy.

You say that he's a great father. I'm wondering what advice he would give a teenage girl who's boyfriend has done to her what he's done to you.

[ConfusedinCO]

Thank you basilandthyme for your time and thoughts. Isn't it funny how fuzzy the lines get when you're in love... I know you're right.

I was either wearing naughty outfits or partially nude in the photos.

[Valixy]

OP, ask yourself what is making him do all these things and little by little trying to convince you to join him? Is he doing it from love for you or care for your relationship? I doubt it. It's sex addiction, weakness and vice. Sorry, it is what it is.

Do apply the self control you have and respect your instinct that tells you that what is happening is not right. Protect your relationship or at least do not ruin it together with him. You are a couple because you have something special and if he can't see that anymore, that is his loss, but you at least are still able to discriminate between right and wrong and should continue doing so. Don't sell yourself to keep a man in your life. You deserve better and with or without him you'll be glad that you've respected yourself and your relationship. Even him will respect you for this.

[ConfusedinCO]

Thank you, Valixy. I appreciate your thoughtful response and advice more than you know. We do have something special that deserves a little fight but I have to be strong enough to know when to throw in the towel. Thank you

[HeartIsAching]

Um... yeah... posting/trading pics of you online is definitely a violation of your trust.

What a jackass.

[michelle23]

We all have our own boundaries and lines that we wont/don't allow to be crossed. He gave you a commitment to be monogamous with you and to give up that lifestyle and now he has broken all that. This should be unacceptable to you. And its called having self respect and self worth by refusing to go along with it because it crosses a line for you. This man is not a one woman man. It doesn't matter how pretty you are, how much sex you give him, how well you get on, how great your relationship is-he will always want more.

You should never suck it up and do something that goes against your own values in order to keep him. I would be walking away

[Wakeup]

"I'm the sluttiest girl I know" Yea, great self-esteem there. O.o

Anyway: Men like him want variety. Stay and be unhappy, you're not going to leave him regardless, That's all you think you deserve anyway so might as well not fight with him or yourself. With any luck you'll find your own side piece that will help to make your life with him less angst ridden.

Men like him don't change just because you'll do him in a parking lot whenever he wants it.

[Wakeup]

BTW: Cool story bro.

Have I been betrayed or am I overreacting?? Help!

[ConfusedinCO]

Thank you, michelle23. You're absolutely right. He's broken a promise to me and proven that even though what we have is great, it'll never be enough for him. I can't be with someone who's always going to be looking for and longing for sexual relationships with people outside of the 2 of us. I love him but I love me more!

[ConfusedinCO]

Thanks for the advice, wakeup. I think you're absolutely right, men like him don't change. This is something I know but I suppose it's all so new and unexpected from him that I just needed a little reminder. I know in my original post, I'm very unsure and confused but I guarantee I'm not the kind of woman to stay in an unhappy relationship simply to have a warm body in my bed at night. I just thought this was different, he was different. It's not and he's not and that's why I'll be single again soon. I love him and I love what we had for the past 5 years but moving on is something I'm not afraid to do.

[michelle23]

Good for you. Its always hard to lose someone you love but we mourn every loss and then we move on. Your worth more than this and you know it

[Wakeup]

When you've left him, come back and let us know. If/when you do, we'll talk you through your urge to contact him.

[lovewhisperer]

Good for you. Its always hard to lose someone you love but we mourn every loss and then we move on. Your worth more than this and you know it

you should know that there are 5 stages of coping.