Feel Too Guilty to Break Up with Him!

[confsedgirl58]

Hi. Thanks for taking time out to read this. I need help! badly.

I've been in a relationship with a guy for 5 years and 3 months now. He loves me to death. The kind of love you see in movies and read about in books. I know he's the type of guy who will love me till my last breath and always be loyal.

But love is not enough. I want to break up with him. I love him too but I can't continue this relationship.

I was 18 when I started going out with him and I'm 23 now. I am a completely different person now.

My 'type of guy' has changed and he's not my type. He's a big introvert and can't even speak english property (he's from India). We both met in India and he moved here. I was born here in Canada but went to live in India for some time where I met him and then moved back (we are both of the same religion and background though).

I can't stay with him. He loves me and I really care about him too but he's just not sophisticated and lacks class. His personality is dull and boring and he lacks confidence. he can't even have a conversation with anyone and he's scared to talk to 'white' people because he doesn't even know english. His chats are full of grammatical mistakes and that's a big turn off. I'm embarrassed of him.

It's been a long distance relationship for us form the beginning. I know that no guy would be in a long distance relationship for 5 years if he didn't truly love the girl but I need more. I mean we never meet or anything. Never celebrate valentines day/birthdays. We only meet 3 times a year.

In these 5 years of us being together I've never received any flowers, chocolates . nothing. On my birthday he gives me a card. ONly a card. I think that's really cheap and such a turn off. I on the other hand have always gotten him so many presents from my travels to other countries. Who gives someone just a card for their birthday?! See. he lacks sophistication!

I don't care if I marry someone without money or looks. I don't want all that. I simply want an educated guy who knows how to dress up and live life. Someone who is outgoing and talented like me.

Now I have 4 problems:

1) I can't break up with him. I've been trying to break up with him for the past 10 months! Every time I try he becomes very emotional and starts asking me what did I do wrong. And says things like you'll never find someone like me who will love you so much. He just makes me emotional and I feel bad for him and so we continue like normal afterwards. I don't break up because I feel bad for him!

2) I do love him and I wonder that if I break up with him will he survive without me? he probably won't. That makes me feel very guilty. I start crying because I know I'm hurting him and I really do love him a lot and I don't want him to suffer. If I break up with him he will never love someone again or ever be happy and I know he will cry continuously for many many months.

3) I also feel that I might not get anyone like him again. Karma might get back at me and I'll never find anyone who truly loves me and I might end up making a big mistake.

4) I also think that if I leave him what if he changes and becomes amazing all of a sudden and gets some amazing girl and I regret everything and think that I could have been in place of her.

The only reason why i can't break up is because I feel sorry for him and I can't put him through months of depression and ruin his entire life. ANd also because I think I might not get anyone who truly loves me the way he does and that karma will ruin it all for me. But am I really doing something bad? I mean I ever swore at him or cheated on him. I've just changed a lot.

[justagirl2727]

You already know you need to break up with him. Breaking up is always hard, but it seems like you aren't getting any satisfaction out of this relationship.
Also, it's emotionally abusive for him to tell you that no one will love you as much as he does. It's NOT TRUE, and if he truly loved you so much he would never say something like that.
You started dating this guy when you were so young... you really don't know what's out there! And you're still young. You have plenty of time left to find a fulfilling relationship.

Also, he WILL survive. You both will. You both managed to find each other, and now you'll both find someone else. And even if he doesn't do so well, it's NOT your fault. You can't take responsibility over a guy like this for the rest of your life.

Dragging out the breakup is just making this harder. I'm sure he knows by now that your relationship is doomed.

Good luck. I know you'll do the right thing, and eventually you'll find someone right for who you've become.

[searock]

1) I can't break up with him. I've been trying to break up with him for the past 10 months! Every time I try he becomes very emotional and starts asking me what did I do wrong. And says things like you'll never find someone like me who will love you so much. He just makes me emotional and I feel bad for him and so we continue like normal afterwards. I don't break up because I feel bad for him!

Ugghh!! This reminds me so much of one of my exes. Every time I tried to tell him I wasn't happy and wanted to break up, he would get extremely emotional, even started crying! and made me feel guilty, asking things like "but what did I do wrong? Don't you love me? Are you really going to leave me all by myself?" blah blah… I was young and inexperienced and that manipulative BS actually worked for a while. Point is, it is manipulative BS.

You aren't in love with this guy. Being in a relationship with him (if you can even call it a relationship) is not making your life any better, it's actually making it worse. You feel embarrassed of him, you don't even like him. You are bored and annoyed when you talk to him. Of course you should break up, you should have done it years ago!

2) I do love him and I wonder that if I break up with him will he survive without me? he probably won't. That makes me feel very guilty. I start crying because I know I'm hurting him and I really do love him a lot and I don't want him to suffer. If I break up with him he will never love someone again or ever be happy and I know he will cry continuously for many many months.

You cannot possibly know that. You seem to have an omnipotence complex, one that he reinforces with his manipulative BS. Of course he will survive the break-up, and if he doesn't, it wouldn't be your fault, but it would be because he has issues of his own. You are not his therapist, his mother or his carer. He is an adult, only he is responsible for his own actions. Break up with him and cut off all contact. Believe me, if you don't block his number and email, he will pester you for months with pleas and desperate cries for attention, all the while using guilt as a way to manipulate you.

3) I also feel that I might not get anyone like him again. Karma might get back at me and I'll never find anyone who truly loves me and I might end up making a big mistake.

You should hope that you don't get anyone like him again. You want a guy that makes you happy just by being with him, a guy you admire and respect, a guy you aren't embarrassed of and who doesn't make you feel guilty all the time. A guy that you are in love with.

4) I also think that if I leave him what if he changes and becomes amazing all of a sudden and gets some amazing girl and I regret everything and think that I could have been in place of her.

Lol, that's not even an issue. Plus, you will go no contact after the break up, so who cares what he does or becomes! You will have your own amazing life.

The only reason why i can't break up is because I feel sorry for him and I can't put him through months of depression and ruin his entire life.

Again: he is not your responsibility. He is an adult. You too are an adult, and you should take responsibility for your own life.

ANd also because I think I might not get anyone who truly loves me the way he does

Newsflash: he doesn't actually love you. If he did, he would pull all that manipulative, guilt-inducing BS on you. He doesn't love you, he is dependent on you in a totally unhealthy way. Completely different things.

No, you are doing nothing bad. You got into this relationship as a kid, now you grew up, it's just normal that you've changed a lot and that your feelings have changed as well. It happens all the time. Don't waste any more of your time, get rid of him right now.

[basilandthyme]

Awesome post by Searock. I really can't add anything