Long thread but please help me rekindle love

[dedododo]

Long story here but please any advice would be great. It about an unexplained breakup and me wanting her back.

I had been going out with a lady I was, and still am, truly in love with for nearly 2 years. Everything seemed to be going absolutely fine, then a month ago, out of the blue I got ditched.

I had seen her a week before (we’re both very busy so only got to hang out once or twice a week) and when she left she said she really wished she didn’t have to go home, and had been telling me about how head over heels she had been for me when we started going out. Seemed perfectly normal to me. Then a week later she sent me a text message saying we have to talk, and you can guess what happened next.

She didn’t give me much of a reason for the dumping, and all the reasons I have been able to come up with are not things that can make you change your mind about a relationship so suddenly. I never smothered her, texting her once every few days and as I said, seeing her once or twice a week. She had plenty of space, and didn’t seem to want any more attention than what she was getting.

Now the weird thing is, our relationship was quite slow moving compared to most. Only a month before she dumped me, I met her parents for the first time when she invited me for Xmas dinner. Less than three weeks before she dumped me, we had sex for the first time.

So I gather the reason she ended it, literally the only reason I can come up with, is that it got too “real” for her and she got scared.

When we met to have the talk she was crying the entire time, and told me it was the hardest thing she’s ever had to do. She said she cares about me so much and would hate to never see me again. She begged for me to stay her friend, to which I kind of agreed, but said I needed time because I wanted our relationship to be more than that.

A month has gone since the dumping, I’ve got on with my life but have been planning on trying to get her back. I am madly in love with her and even writing this brings a tear to my eye.

I was intending to not contact her for at least a couple of months, then ask her for a catch-up and see how that would go, but 10 days ago I got a head injury, and after noticing a post mentioning this on Facebook, she sent me a text message saying she had been worrying all day. I left it for around 7 hours, then got back to her because I couldn’t be that rude. I didn’t do anything soppy though, I just told her I was fine.

That message didn’t get in the way of my plan to get her back that much, but now I have another problem – We will probably encounter each other this weekend at an event at which there will be mutual friends, dancing and drinking involved, and I’m not sure how to deal with it. I’m still upset about the break-up, and if I see her with anyone else I will die inside. I don’t want there to be any awkwardness (I plan to tell her this straight away when I see her), I want us to get along even though it is earlier than I had planned, but I do eventually want to get her back. I am planning to look like I’m getting by fine and have a fun time – being friends but not giving her too much attention, but maybe at some stage of the night, mention that I still would like to be with her. The ball is in my court here really because most of the friends there will be people she only knows through me if at all, so I will be one of the few people she can actually strike up conversation with.

So my questions are –

Do you think I have assessed the breakup correctly or does it sound like there may be another reason for it?
Does it sound like there is a chance we may be able to get back together
Am I going about getting her back the right way?

Any help really appreciated especially advice on how to handle this weekend when I meet her.

[Mattiemae]

Really you don't know the truth about your break up unless she tells you. It wasn't about you. You can beat yourself up all you want to about someone leaving like they do like this, but it usually is about their own issues, pain and suffering from the past and for what ever reason they are unable to make a com,ittment, or be real in a relationship. If she never truly gave you an answer she's never been real or honest with herself to give you an answer. Many people wait for a very long time, but never get an answer, or apology. I would just move on with your life, and know you did the best you could in the moment with her.

If she is big enough maybe she will give you and honest answer. But I wouldn't keep going around in circles and wondering what you've done right or wrong, because that is just your theory. Not actually her reasoning for leaving. Hate saying it, but most of the time it is because their is a third party, and they just don't have the balls to tell the truth. Not saying it is in your situation. But usually the real reason behind things in most cases.

[dedododo]

Thanks for the advice. She really isn't the kind of person whose reason would be a third party though. I always thought she was scared of commitment - we went out for ages before making our relationship official. I asked her about it for a while but then I just gave up on it and we ended up calling eachother girlfriend/boyfriend anyway. She always said the hated the labels that come with a relationship. She's from a broken family, I think that might have something to do with it. i.e. it did get too "real". If that's the case she'll never be happy.

I do intend to ask her for a reason, and bring this particular reason up. She did say when we broke up that she didn't even know why she was doing it.

[Mattiemae]

yes, most of the time in these situations there is alot of dysfunction in the background. Rarely until they're real with themselves they are fearful of getting close to people and intimacy. As soon as they feel they are getting close, back out of it and will keep doing that with every relationship.

[dedododo]

Yea I feel sorry for her, and angry that I'm the one who's been hurt by all her problems. I will mention it to her, and who knows she might see sense. Unlikely though. It's worth a shot even if it pisses her off enough to make her not even want to be friends anymore, cos I don't really want to be her friend, it would hurt too much.

[basilandthyme]

I understand that you're angry about having been hurt by her problems. But when we're dating, it's very important to look out for those red flags which indicate that you're likely to get hurt. Sounds to me like she was showing signs all along that she was unwilling to commit, dragging her feet etc etc. Now, I'm not saying that you have to dump someone when you see these clues. However, if you find yourself dating someone like this it's very important to recognise that there's a high risk of you getting hurt and to make decisions accordingly. Thing is, if you stay with someone who's a risky proposition, you only have yourself to blame for getting hurt.

For this reason, I would strongly advise you learn your lesson now instead of trying to throw yourself back in there.

Mattiemae mentioned about her being big enough to be honest with you about the breakup. Can I tell you one of the reasons that I've tended not to be honest when I've broken up with people? It's because when people are honest about the breakup, it's frequently met with either being told that their thoughts are wrong.....or the dumpee begs and promises to change. It's just a whole conversation which is sometimes best avoided. If you do get her to be honest with you, PLEASE don't tell her she's wrong or that you'll change or that things can be improved. While you may not agree with her decision and her thoughts, it's important to respect them. Using her reasons for breakup as a discussion tool for rekindling is NOT respecting her need to end things.

[dedododo]

Thanks for the advice.
I don't plan to change myself because I know I have done nothing wrong. Neither will I tell her she's wrong, I know that would annoy her and just make her walk away anyway. I'm more likely to ask her about her commitment issues just to make her think, as I don't think she even realises she has these problems, and certainly doesn't like herself for it.

I'm not going to beg for her to take me back or anything like that. I just want to make her think and possibly re-assess the situation in her own mind and time, I'm not going to tell her what to do or psycho-analyze her.

[Mattiemae]

Really there is no excuse for not being honest with someone and explaining why you're breaking up. Really it comes down to harming other people leaving them with abandoment issues and grief. I don't know on the end of men, but this happens with alot of women that guys just decide to move on to the next piece of candy, and with no explanation. It's probably one of the cruelest things someone can do is disappear or end a relationship without an explanation. I know a woman right now her husband is missing, and everyone tells her he's with another woman, left her with no money, and kids to support without a job.

This woman is devastated, and losing everything. So no I'm not a big fan of people leaving with no explanation.

[basilandthyme]

I don't plan to change myself because I know I have done nothing wrong.

you may not have done wrong to her, but you've done wrong to yourself. If you learn anything from this relationship, I hope it's that you take note of warning signs.

[dedododo]

I know I wronged myself. I kinda saw it coming over a year ago at the first early signs but I loved this girl so much I was willing to take on the risk. Normally I wouldn't. I'm not just being a soppy ass, I really wanted to be with her forever.

I think that bottom line, the problem was communication all along. She never seemed to want to talk about this stuff, though.

[basilandthyme]

Have you considered that she may not even fully know her reasons for leaving? If she can't communicate with you, then it's highly likely her internal dialogue is pretty minimal too.

In the thread, we've also discussed that she didn't give real reasons for leaving....thing is though, it's pretty hard to expect someone who's never communicated well to suddenly communicate their reasons for ending things. It seems to me that the end of the relationship was conducted pretty much the same way as the rest of the relationship. Wanting a good reason from her would be like trying to get blood from a stone.

I know you want her back. But start by giving your soppy ass a good kick and start thinking with your brain: given that good communication is the foundation of a good relationship, do you really want to get back into the same situation? What about if/when you had children? Co-parenting with a non communicator will only lead to disaster for the children.

Fact is, she's not a good choice for a long term partner.

[dedododo]

She couldn't have kids anyway. Life isn't just about kids - I hate them.

My point is that if we worked on communication (was my fault too) it would help.

[Smila]

RULE NO1: When you are being broken up with, NEVER accept the placation of "let us be friends, i don't want to lose you"...That is a plot to make themselves feel good about their decision.
No 2--she did not give you a reason...you wanna know why? She found someone else... (i know it is a bitter pill to swallow)..she does not have the cahunas to say it to your face. I mean, you guys seemed to have a good thing going on...You gave her her space and only saw yourselves like twice a week (i don't see how that can be deemed healthy-couples should see themselves often to develop a strong bond). Anyways, you still have your pride as you have moved on. But know this, if you propose to have her back or tell her how you feel and she turns you down, all the strides you've made in the past month will go down the drain-you would feel worse...
Think about this...She left you for a reason..and i believe that reason is still valid for her...what makes you think she would change?

Work on your moving on..MOVE ON....There will be someone out there for you.

[dedododo]

As I said I know she hasn't found somebody else. Not just because I don't think she's that type, but I actually know.
Also, if I propose to have her back and she says no I really lose nothing because as I have said, I don't want to be her friend.

I understand your rule no.1, which is why I didn't ever flat out say we could be friends.

Who knows, maybe after a month, or rather 2 (won't be seeing her this weekend after all, so I'll be leaving it a while longer), she will be aware that I'm not willing to be friends as I'm not speaking to her, and might be missing our relationship and had enough time to realise what she has lost. She will be bored with herself I guarantee it. I know what she's like -went out with her for nearly 2 years, I should!

Don't get me wrong if someone crops up over these months who I think is worthy of me I won't let this little plan of mine get in the way, I'll be straight in there.