Am I in denial?

[Ria T]

My boyfriend of a few months has a habit of not speaking to me for several days after an argument.. I always have to contact him first whether I feel that I'm at fault or not.. Our first argument was because he felt that I was taking too long to get ready and became angry.. He told me that I was inconsiderate, rude, arrogant and I give off the impression that I'm never wrong.. He was extremely angry and this surprised me as I had never seen him behave this way.. In the midst of an argument, I have a habit of raising my pitch, and using hand gestures... He told me that doing this was rude and I agree he is right.. I apologized for my behavior but he brings that up in every argument.. He says " I can't talk to you about you" because of the way I behave.. even when he is clearly at fault.. When he is at fault, he will use this phrase after I bring up an issue about him.. I would spend hours defending myself until I forget that the issue was about him.. He only hears what he wants to during a disagreement and will twist my words.. I don't know if he realizes that he does this.. He has told me that he loves me and was very emotional after an argument because he said that it hurts him because I make it hard for him to talk to me..
Once, I was 4 minutes late meeting him for a movie and he was angry when I arrived.. He was half dressed when I arrived and said it was because he didn't think I would make it so he started getting undressed.. Again, he told me that I was rude and never wrong.. On the way to the movie he was still yelling and cursing and when I told him to stop, he abruptly switched lanes went back to his place and left me outside.. He texted me a week later to say he was sorry.. He has never hit me but he does have serious anger issues that I believe stem from his troubled childhood with his mother...

I have an issue with him because he shows up late to my house or sometimes doesn't show up at all.. I would receive a text in the morning saying he fell asleep.. He prefers to text over talking on the phone and never seems to want to do anything with me on the weekends anymore.. Because of this, I have never felt secure in the relationship.. When we are getting along, we have lots of fun, he is sensitive and caring.. We are currently not speaking because he called me one morning and I didn't answer.. I sent me a text that said "I'm never calling you in the morning again and good morning. I called him back a few minutes later and he began to tell me 3 things about me that was bothering him., I answered his questions and we hung up.. Later that night, I asked him if he was irritated, he said that he wasn't and I was only saying this because he brought up issues about me and again" He can never talk to me about me".. Should I just give up on this relationship? Sorry it's so long...

[baddy]

Simple. Forget him. You do not want to be togheter with a guy with anger issues. He looks at you as he is your puppet he can bring bad memories on.

[LittleMadam]

He is emotionally abusing you. Walk away now and forget him before he gets a hold on you.

Things will only get worse!

[basilandthyme]

Holy shit! This guy is showing dealbreaker after dealbreaker. Sure you have some nice times with him, but there's too much bad. Hon, you need to improve your standards for the guys you spend time with.

Out of curiosity, was your mother abused by your father....or other partner? If we grow up seeing abuse being accepted, we can get a skewed idea of what is acceptable in a relationship. Not being rude - just trying to figure out why you didn't dump him when you first saw his bad behaviour.

[Wakeup]

I don't know if he realizes that he does this

And I don't think that you realize that you allow him to deviate from the original discussion.

Neither of you know how to communicate but the real problem is you enable him to do what he does instead of stopping him in his tracks and telling him that what he is talking about now is not what this discussion is about. You also need to steer the conversation back to your question (if there was one) and not let him go off on another tangent or even worse, answer your question with another question which of course will lead the discussion back to the focus being on you instead of him actually answering your question.

Here's a link that will help you with your ability to effectively communicate. You're going to have to learn how to do that whether its with this guy or the next one. You need to STOP STOP STOP enabling him to abuse you. It's time to respect yourself enough to leave and stay gone. He won't change without therapy and anger management classes. Would you want a man like him doing what he does to your daughter? Surely you would not so why do you continue to accept it and talk yourself into thinking this is a good relationship?

Here are the links. Work on you and get away from him never to go back.

http://www.only-effective-communication-skills.com/

Here's a couple of links on having and setting up personal boundaries. You haven't any at the moment. If you did, you'd NEVER stay with a guy that treated you the way this one treats you. You'd have the strength and the guidance to bolt from a turd like him. (due to your strong personal boundaries you'd quickly cut short his boundary crossing abuse)

http://psychcentral.com/lib/the-importance-of-personal-boundaries/0001112

http://liveboldandbloom.com/08/life-coaching/want-to-boost-your-self-esteem-10-ways-to-establish-personal-boundaries

Good luck ~ Do read and educate yourself so that you have the self-worth to never get with another guy like him again and if you find out he's a turd... you'll leave fast and clean.

[Starnique]

He sound a lot like my ex. You need to leave him because it'll only get worse. He needs to get help to work on his anger or you need to go. Simple as that. Abuse always start with verbal.

[pollock]

He is emotionally abusing you and it looks like a long formed habit. You can do better than this.

[bekho]

He's just a kid with a small heart. Spoilt kids act this way. He's not a man. Can you ever imagine him raising children? I used to be like him. He is forcing u to conform to his expectations and he's mistakenly believing that when you aren't following his orders, that you don't love him.

The solution to this is to make him see what an ass he's being. Start flipping the same play on him. Relationship is about compromise and understanding. Not demanding and expecting.

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[gladurgone]

Wow, he sounds like an ex of mine. Very controlling and emotionally abusive. He has no respect for you sweety. You definitely need to move on.

[Sunnybeach7]

Give up? Umm.. I'd say run in the other direction. This man is controlling. All those things he says that you do.. are really the things that he does. He doesn't have respect for you.. yes, everyone argues sometimes.. but swearing at you and not willing to listen to what you say.. that is very disrespectful. You would never be able to have a proper relationship with this man because he is all about himself. I'm sorry. You will find someone better.. someone you can have fun with and that respects you also.

[4 ratties]

run the other way

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