Feeling pretty stressed, down and unsure of the future.

[MrLoyal]

Feeling pretty stressed, down and unsure of the future. Would really appreciate some advice.

I am currently in a relationship with a girl I am crazy about.

We met in March 2013, started dating and then began a relationship in May 2013. She found herself not comfortable living with her flat mates around the same time so we talked and she moved into my place. So the relationship moved quite rapidly at this point. Also she had ended a 4 year relationship a week or two before we started seeing each other in March. I know the whole situation rings alarm bells but it just felt right at the time. We were both in the same place in our life wanting very similar things and having similar goals.

My girlfriend suffers from severe clinical depression so I have had to be very cautious and careful about how I approach any topic with her. I'm not sure if our current problems strictly relate to this or may play a small part in them.

Basically since around September 2013 she has been lying to me and I have been betrayed. Each occurrence I have forgiven her and pleaded with her to be honest and upfront in the future and I have been very understanding.

The main reason I have found out about these lies was due to me reading her messages in her phone. Often she would leave it unlocked and go off for a shower or do something else and it would give me a chance to read it. Some of the things I saw I wish I never did, they hurt me a lot.

She has planned with her friends on several occasions from September up until last month to move out and break up with me yet denies it all and says she doesn't want that at all. I keep allowing her to treat me like this when I know I should break up with her. I guess its part of my low self esteem. Her friends run me down in these messages yet they have not met me or know me properly. I am a good man to her, I put her first in almost every situation. She does not stick up for me when they run me down.

I really don't know what to do. There are so many details I have left out as it would have been to long to read but I am happy to elaborate anything if asked. Thanks for reading.

[seecrithiding]

This girl is no good for you and things will only continue to get worse.

Stop letting her use you - emotionally and physically.

This is NOT a relationship, you ARE being used quite blatantly.

Break up with this girl and find one who will appreciate the understanding, generous man that you are.

[LittleMadam]

It is wrong that you are reading her messages.
But she really is no good for you.
She doesnt sound very nice at all, and the fact the lies are so blatant means there can not and never will be any trust.
Without trust, there is nothing.
Tell her you want her to leave and have nothing more to do with her.

[TheEvilJester]

I know this may not be what you want to hear, but I have to agree with seecrithiding. Your situation, quite frankly, hits a little too close to home for me. This sounds a lot like my ex-wife. My ex, in her own mind, can NEVER be wrong. In fact, she will tell half-truths, and BLATANTLY lie when telling "her side" of a story in order to make her look like the perfect little angel, and the other person look like a complete a-hole. I've experienced it from both sides, both from being the one she lied too and the one about whom she lied. In the case of hearing her BS stories about others, I've often heard the other person's side and realized how much more sense it made. In the case of her making up crap about me, I've caught her in her lies without even trying (not very stealthy, that one). I will not pretend to be a perfect angel myself, but the fact of the matter is I put up with way too much for way too long in that relationship. I deserve SO MUCH better, and that is coming from somebody who has lived his whole life with virtually NO self-esteem.

So, take it from me.... you deserve better. She most likely will not change. It does not sound like she appreciates you one bit, and you deserve somebody who appreciates you. Good luck, my friend.

[MrLoyal]

It is wrong that you are reading her messages.

I know it is very wrong. Its wrong in so many ways but how else would I find this information out? I once saw a message in September that just didnt sound right. So I knew from then I had to see what was going on for myself. That lead to finding out things I should have been told by her. From then her lies create suspicion and I just have to know for myself whats going on. I give her my all and basically she is giving me nothing, she is as cold as ice. Even after being caught out she continues to lie. Thank you for your post.

- - - Updated - - -

I know this may not be what you want to hear, but I have to agree with seecrithiding. Your situation, quite frankly, hits a little too close to home for me. This sounds a lot like my ex-wife. My ex, in her own mind, can NEVER be wrong. In fact, she will tell half-truths, and BLATANTLY lie when telling "her side" of a story in order to make her look like the perfect little angel, and the other person look like a complete a-hole. I've experienced it from both sides, both from being the one she lied too and the one about whom she lied. In the case of hearing her BS stories about others, I've often heard the other person's side and realized how much more sense it made. In the case of her making up crap about me, I've caught her in her lies without even trying (not very stealthy, that one). I will not pretend to be a perfect angel myself, but the fact of the matter is I put up with way too much for way too long in that relationship. I deserve SO MUCH better, and that is coming from somebody who has lived his whole life with virtually NO self-esteem.

So, take it from me.... you deserve better. She most likely will not change. It does not sound like she appreciates you one bit, and you deserve somebody who appreciates you. Good luck, my friend.

Thank you for your post. This does sound pretty similar to my girlfriends behaviour in certain ways.

[rest77]

Dear MrLoyal,

Please break up with her!
You deserves someone better who will love, respect and appreciate you.
If you hadn't read her text-messages, you never would have known her and her friends plan. You do probably would have come to meet an empty room with a note of "Am sorry" i had to leave, can't do this any more "Rebound boy". So, be a man, tell her we need to talk. Lastly that you want her to move out of your place.

[Sunnybeach7]

This is my take.. you say since September.. it is now Feb.. and she hasn't left yet.. she's definitely lying to someone.. could it be that she is just telling her friend this stuff due to peer pressure?
If she did want to leave, would she have somewhere else to go to easily enough? That would be questions I would consider looking at. IF she does have somewhere she could go but hasn't gone yet.. well.. I always depend on actions more than words.. because words can lye but someone's actions are more telling.

[MrLoyal]

This is my take.. you say since September.. it is now Feb.. and she hasn't left yet.. she's definitely lying to someone.. could it be that she is just telling her friend this stuff due to peer pressure?
If she did want to leave, would she have somewhere else to go to easily enough? That would be questions I would consider looking at. IF she does have somewhere she could go but hasn't gone yet.. well.. I always depend on actions more than words.. because words can lye but someone's actions are more telling.

She actually has about 5 places she could go, about 4 are friends and her parents. All of which live less than 30 miles away. Everytime those friends asked her to leave now and move in she said "No, I'm okay.".
I have even asked her a million times "Do you want to move out? I'll help you pack and drive you where you need to go." Everytime she has said no she wants to stay.

So you make a good point to a certian extent but either way there have been blatant lies and signifigant betrayal on her part.

[MrLoyal]

Wow, I just broke up with her today. Obviously she has not moved out yet but yeah. I am pretty upset. I will miss her and it will take a fair while to get over.


She is so upset she has cut me off, wont reply or answer calls.

[MandoulinaBrown]

it is obvious that you love her way more than she will ever love you. I know it sucks to be in this situation, but you have to look at it from a third person's point of view. she is probably just using you at the moment to get a place to live. i suggest you tell her all those things you wrote her. let her know how you truly feel and see how she replies. if she says she loves you and won't leave you ask to her to respect you at least!! it is not cool the way she talks about you in front of her friends!

[rest77]

Wow, I just broke up with her today. Obviously she has not moved out yet but yeah. She is so upset she has cut me off, wont reply or answer calls.

You are in charge. Guess, you are now smarter than her and her friends. Don't show it to her that you miss her.

[Sunnybeach7]

Wow, I just broke up with her today. Obviously she has not moved out yet but yeah. I am pretty upset. I will miss her and it will take a fair while to get over.


She is so upset she has cut me off, wont reply or answer calls.

I'm sorry you are going through this. I know it's not easy.. just take things one day at a time.. you will heal and eventually find someone that will be much better with you.

[MrLoyal]

Update

I ended up getting hold of her yesterday afternoon. She stayed at her sisters last night. We met up today to sort out the moving situation and we seem to be ending it on good terms.

I am helping her move to her parents on Sunday (her parents love me btw) and that will be the end.
We have decided to stay friends I guess but thats all and I imagine that wont last that long.

I must say Thank You so much to everyone who has offered support and advice to me. Its hard for me because I have no support around me other than my immediate family and I'm pretty private so I prefer to not share any details too personal or detailed with them.

I hope I can help people here like I was helped.

[TheEvilJester]

Well, again, no two situations are necessarily the same.... however I fully intended to remain friends, or at least friendly, with my ex-wife when we split. I knew she was wrong for me as a partner, and it wasn't like I figured we'd be all buddy buddy anymore, but I figured we could at least remain friends. To be honest, though, after a while I realized I don't want her in my life at all. I harbor no ill will. Sure, I wish I would have married somebody who deserved me, but in the end, I came out a better man for having had a relationship in the first place, and became an even better man through getting myself out of a bad one. So, I honestly wouldn't change it. Had I simply never been with her, I wouldn't have gone through a lot of the positive changes that came from the positive times of that relationship, and the even bigger positive changes that came from getting myself out of the negative times.

However, I just started to see her even more clearly once the relationship was over. I started to realize that a lot of the things that caused me to want out of the relationship in the first place were reason enough not to really want her in my life at all. I just didn't see any value to having her in my life. I mean, it isn't like you expect your friends to do something for you, or anything like that. But, all she does is take, take, take, and drain other people. Even just being friends with her is like a chore.

Wait... sorry. Bit of a tangent there. LOL! Anyway, my point being... if you can remain friends, that is cool. Just be aware, there is a pretty good chance that won't happen in the end. Good luck, my friend. I am glad to hear you are getting yourself out of that situation.