I can't stop thinking about my past relationship and how much of an idiot I was??

[Julia51423]

Okay, so first of all, I'm 15, and i have had one boyfriend, and that was back in September, and it lasted like two weeks. Ik, it doesn't seem like a big deal… but it is when people always have the need to remind you every second it just brings back the terrible memories. I don't know… I feel like I am mentally stupid for dating him and I am not cut out to date a really good guy because I was so blind. Anyway, let me tell you all of the things he did, and basically I just ignored all the red flags and still dated him. So Im sorry if this is long, but I really just need to let all of this out to someone.. hopefully you guys take the time to read?? … and here goes the WORST relationship in history….

First, he wasn't even that attractive. He was rude and mean to everyone, except me (at first). He had a back up plan (another girl) if I didn't say yes to him, and he told the girl this, and I even knew about this. He followed me around constantly, and it was actually mad awkward around him and he made me feel extremely uncomfortable, and we had no sort of connection in any way. He asked me out on a dare, in front of all my friends (lame) and I said yes anyway.. and from then on it was too awkward. He even said to everyone "guys don't leave us alone.. because she will have nothing to talk about and it will just be awkward." Of course this is such an asshole thing to say, but I'm such an idiot I just let it go. I thought it was MY fault for things being this way around him. I thought everything was my fault...

From then on, our first date was… okay… I think I pretended to be into him so I could get my first kiss AND I felt left out because all of my friends have already had boyfriends. And damn did we kiss.. in fact we made out… a lot. Probably the only compliment he gave me was that I'm a good kisser. Our freaking first date was mostly making out, and it wasn't romantic at all in any way. Now my first kiss is ruined to the worst guy in history, and my first date was terrible. Anyway, all we ever did was go over each other's houses, and… make out. HE USED ME. But at the same time, there was never anything to talk about with him bc he was so rude and unfriendly in general, so I would rather make out then deal with his awkwardness. LOL and then one time I agreed to come over his house to play minecraft but then we ended up just making out. And for some reason, I feel like its my fault we never had anything to talk about, because I feel like I always acted like an idiot around him… i never felt like i could just be myself around him...
Also, he started asking when he could touch my boobs, and i said that it would be for a LONG TIME so you minds well break up with me if thats what you want. He said that wasn't his intention.. of course. He also tried to persuade me to take my shirt off when we made out one time. -__-

And then he just got rude. I started realizing this is the reason he has no friends. He was first rude to my friends when I wasn't around, and then he just got rude to me. Its like he completely stopped texting me, and whenever we talked in person he just looked mad BORED and would roll his eyes or tell me I'm stupid. Oh yeah, and his younger sister told his whole family that I am really stupid. Great. But of course I didn't do anything. Then, when he started getting distant, I decided to ask him whats wrong, and when I did, he said this to me "What do you mean whats wrong? I'm not doing anything, so idk what your problem is or what you r talking about. Are you high or something? *he says smirking* Is something wrong with you?" At this point I was in shock. I knew things weren't going to last much longer… I talked to my friends about it, and they said I should try talking to him again one more time. So i did.. it went a little better.. but not really. I told him it just feels distant between us and awkward, like somethings not right. And idk why. His response was this, and he had an annoyed smile on his face: "umm idk but idk what I'm doing. Unless I'm just extremely bipolar or something, idk what I'm doing..." And then I just nodded awkwardly and said, "umm… okay then." And then I saw him roll his eyes when he "thought" I wasn't looking. At this point I couldn't take it anymore.

I broke up with him that day. It lasted a week and a half. Yaaaayyy….. I will let you know if there is anything else I can think of.. But now I honestly feel anxiety when another guy likes me, because I am afraid they will act the way he did towards me. He was such an asshole and such a WEIRDO now that I realize it, and I feel like such an idiot for dating him. EVERYONE warned me not to, but I ignored them. And now, EVERYONE has the need to remind me about him, whenever they get the chance, even though it was been almost half a year since this week and a half relationship. I just feel like I am doomed to be known as "the idiot girl that dated the worst guy in history" and I will never be able to happily date someone that I will really like and that treats me good.. It's just, lately I have been thinking about this a lot lately, and literally whenever I think about him, I feel like puking or punching a wall.. lol. I deserve 999999999 times better i know. But it still hurts. Idk what to do to forget. I just kind of hate myself for ever even CONSIDERING going out with him..

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And when people ask me things like "omg why would you ever go out with him?!" I'm just like, I don't know!! Okay?! I DONT KNOW. It's so frustrating.

[pcmaster]

Hmm, I think you should just focus on studies and hang out with positive, driven people until you learn who you are and obtain sense of selfworth and confidence. Also writing diary will be rewarding in long run as it can give you many answers. If you have psihologist in school then visit him and after opening up about what realy bothers you can get some good advice.

Be smart and dont take serious negativity from other people.


You can let guys choose you and deal with all kind of BS or actually make effort and look for friends that suits you and makes good impact on you. Always say what you think and you will become the person you want to be. And if you do so, people you like and need will be attracted to you but bullies will step away. Think good thoughts about yourself(learn to love yourself and forgive and see yourself as a friend - then past will let you go) and dont let anyone say you are stupid - defend yourself against verbal agression. In the end you will become who you think you are.

Stay active and keep developing yourself/interests/passions. Find what makes you happy and make positive interactions with surrounding people. You will get over past relationship in no time. You can make as healthy relationships as healthy you are. So dont blame yourself about past cause you still wasnt developed and didnt know how importand is to have confidence and love yourself.
I dont know what is your family background but maybe you didnt even had healthy example there. However if you want to be like your parents then turn to them for advice. Otherwise turn to good friend in times you are confused.

[Julia51423]

Yeah I know.. And I am a lot stronger then I was back then. I stand up for myself now. If I was the person I am now back then, I definitely wouldn't have gone out with him. Though, I guess I still have a very little sense of self worth. I feel like it's hard being me... And yes, my parents did get a divorce when I was 6.. So mayybee that's it? I guess I'm just depressed because of my little success with guys. And I guess I just want to know if there is still hope for me, even though I made THE STUPIDEST decisions when going out with him, do you think there is hope for me to find love, and find a great guy?? If so, how? I guess right now I feel like I never will... And I think I closed myself up emotionally after that relationship ended... So that doesn't help either.. Do I find a great guy by loving myself? Like pcmaster was saying? Or how else? I just feel lost I guess...

[pcmaster]

Yes there is hope for you. You still stand at pretty good place. You are not pregrant and not together with that terible guy anymore. You still can recover and nothing is done that will matter in longterm. I gave pretty much advice and you might dont know where to start but start with your body - take care of your health do some kind of sport and sleep and eat well - soon enought you will find that many problems disapear because you feel stronger not just feeling better but have more emotional strenght aswell. These basic things makes enought diference to feel stronger like, like you can actually win the battle.

And yes you will find a great guy by loving yourself. Cause that will then project on your looks and confidence making others feel the same against you - love.

[Sunnybeach7]

Listen.. you didn't do anything stupid at all. You just wanted to have a good time like everyone else. It's just that it seems you did that with someone you really wasn't that into. Though it seems like you did enjoy the kiss? I wouldn't call that a loss. And believe me, this guy isn't the worst loser in the world.. first, he's just a kid and so are you.. he will grow up and become more mature.. he may even turn out to be a really great guy in the future.. you haven't done anything wrong, and it's wrong of your friends to badger you with this.

If they bring it up.. tell them you don't want to talk about it.. refuse to have a conversation about it. Walk away from them if you have to.. they will get the message. Pcmaster is right.. if you want to feel positive about life, you need to hang around with positive people.

I don't know if you know anything about the law of attraction.. but to bring more positive people into your life, all you have to do is start yourself being more positive.. this will attract positive people to you, and make the negative ones want to stay away from you more.

Just every day as often as you can, just think of some things in life that you feel good about... it can be anything.. blue skies, kittens, cotton candy... I'm sure you can think of many things in life that have or do make you feel good. This is a good exercise too for anything a negative thought comes into your head.. don't fight it.. just acknowledge the negative thought, then replace it with a positive thought. Also if you find yourself thinking something negative, just say "cancel, cancel" or "delete, delete".. try to become "aware" of your own thoughts and mind. This will take you a long way to being positive and feeling better about yourself and life.

[goodmorning]

He felt bad for what he did and apologized. Not that big a deal.


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