Newly Wed, nearly dead? Why can't I forgive him?

[cookies27]

I met my husband online over 2 years ago. We recently got married in August- he is in the U.S. and I am a Canadian citizen, so obviously, that presents some issues- but we actually are pretty good with the long distance stuff and are working on immigration etc.

There's a really long backstory to all of this and I feel like going into all of the petty details will just bore you all, so I'm going to try to condense it. Basically, when I met my husband he had only ever been in one relationship previously. He's very innocent in that respect, and it's been a bumpy road trying to help him grow into this relationship, just due to that level of immaturity. I have always been supportive and helpful, sometimes I do get frustrated because I feel like...there are just things you should KNOW, you know?

Which leads me to the big issue at hand. We do fight quite a lot. There have been a lot of hurtful things said on both of our parts- I'm not innocent in all of this, that's for sure. However, there have been instances where he has made comments about my body or about other women, and then when I get upset, he just blames his overall ignorance of relationships for it. "I've never been in a relationship like this before. I didn't know that would hurt you." One comment was pertaining to two lesbians in a film we were watching who were making out, and I'm bisexual, and his comment was, "Have you ever been with hot women like that?" I'm not conventionally attractive- I'm a bigger girl, I'm not thin and gorgeous, but I do alright. And I've never felt...unattractive to a partner before. I have been in a few long-lasting relationships, and each man I've been with has made me feel like I'm the only thing they see. So, hearing comments like that really make me question myself. And his whole excuse, again, is just, "I've never been in relationships, so I don't know what will hurt your feelings." Well, wouldn't that hurt anyone's feelings? He has made comments regarding things about my body that he says are "observations" and not judgments, but I feel judged by them. It's like he just has no filter.

It gets much worse. I have a very close friend who is also my ex of 5 years. We split on amicable terms and we are like best friends now. Nothing is going on, nothing has gone on for years. When I met my husband online, me and my ex were living together just due out of necessity really- we both needed roommates, we had lived together before, I was single, he was single, I didn't really see an issue with it. Nothing happened during that time. We were just roommates. However, I didn't say anything to my then boyfriend because I never thought I'd meet someone online, fall in love with them and get married to them. And the further it got, the harder it got to say anything. I had made the conscious choice to tell him about my ex before the wedding but was waiting to move out first, as I knew it would be upsetting for him and I didn't want to be living with my ex when all of it was going on. He then came across something old on my Facebook and confronted me about it (I had only been moved out and back in with my mother for maybe 2 weeks at this point, again, waiting for the right time to just bring it up). We talked it all out, and I told him that I had been planning on letting him know the real deal before the wedding, that it had been bothering me etc. I explained the whole thing, talked about my ex and my relationship with him years ago etc. I gave him full disclosure, he added my ex to Skype and got his phone number to text him- I didn't want him worried that I was hiding anything and I really ideally would like for them to be friends as well.

He said all was fine. He was upset that I had lied, and so he had every right to be, but that he understood and could see how being with someone for 5 years would be difficult to just let go. My ex and I for the last year of our relationship didn't even have sex- we were literally like best friends. And when something ends that way, why should we have to not be friends? Anyways, he knew the deal, insisted he was ok with everything, we go on, we get married.

After we got married, things changed. All of a sudden, he wasn't so supportive anymore. He insisted that I never would have told him, that the only reason why he knows about it is because he found out by himself. Granted, it might appear that way, but that was never my intention. He got very jealous and accusatory and would throw it in my face constantly that I lied to him all that time. Every time I went out, I would come home to him raging and accusing me of cheating on him (at the time, I was in Canada and he was in the U.S. which obviously didn't help). And I would get upset, but I tried to be understanding because yes, I did lie to him. However, a bit of jealousy is different from possessive, jealous rage?

It all kind of came to a boiling point when I went to visit him a few months after the wedding. We were having sex and he lost his erection. I asked what was wrong, and he told me I felt different, that I was loose and I had been screwing around on him. Which lead to an awful fight, and my feelings have never quite recovered (not to mention I already had all of these ill feelings because of comments he had made about my body in the past).

I went back to Canada, and there were still issues with it all. He would call me while I was out, accusing me of being a "whore" and that I was cheating on him. I even had to get my mother on the phone with him to tell him I was at the gym with her because he wouldn't believe me, I've had to show him receipts as proof.

Ok, ok, so all of this aside. For the past two months, we have been working REALLY hard to resolve all of this. He has stopped being crazy jealous, he has been very supportive. He blames that behaviour on never having been jealous before and not knowing how to deal with that emotion etc. which I do kind of understand, however...There are just some things you don't say, right? I also have just recently found out that he actually told his family all about all of this as well, which really doesn't help in terms of my level of shame regarding the things he's said to me. I had previously asked him to not disclose personal information regarding our relationship (especially things about me) to his family members, which he promised he would not do, but did anyways and then lied about doing.

I feel really confused in this matter. I feel like yes, it's my problem at this point. I need to forgive him and get over it all because he has been so amazing lately, and he's changing and fixing himself. But it's really hard. And every time he even compliments me, internally I'm questioning everything. My self-esteem is at like rock bottom (something I am NOT used to, at all) and I don't know how to process my feelings or how to move on from them. I know you can't really blame other people for making you feel a certain way, because in the end, you're in control of how you feel and nobody should effect that. But I really think that's just a big pile of BS- he DID make me feel this way, he DID damage my self-esteem and make me question myself and my body in ways I never have before in the past. But I guess thinking like that isn't going to get me anywhere lol. And he's not some abusive piece of s*** guy. He's taking the steps to better himself and be better to me, so why can't I get over this?

I know it's long - ha, this is the condensed version. But I would really like some advice on this. It's really hard for me to even come out and say this here to a bunch of strangers as the whole thing is just so embarrassing and shameful, but I feel like I have nowhere to go. If I try to talk to him about how that stuff made me feel, he gets upset and says it's hard to deal with, and he wants to be supportive, but it makes him feel bad. And I know I have already given him enough grief over it all and I'm trying to just move on and work on our marriage, but I'm finding it very hard to do so.

I could use some advice, thanks!

[Smila]

First thing first , how old is this guy? Because it seems as if you married an immature person. (no pun intended).

Though you mentioned that you are always in the GYM. (this is good as you are making efforts to tone yourself down for him). Now that you are making concessions, i think its time that you demand your own ...Have some boundaries and make it known that you will not be used as a foot mat to massage his ego.
He has to know that there are repercussions for his hurtful actions.

[cookies27]

He's 26, and yes, quite immature. This is something that I knew getting into this though and I've been helping him along with it. I don't go to the gym to please him, it's for myself, and I don't think that I should have to do that for anyone but myself. I feel like he got into this relationship with me being the way that I am, and he's the one person in the world who should love me for me and love my body, and that's why I think this is so hard for me to get over.

[searock]

So he calls you "loose" and a "whore"... I can't think of a reason why you would still bother with this guy.

[goodmorning]

so he's verbally assaulting you. i would go far away.

[Valixy]

My brother's ex-girlfriend, been together for 9 years, took a year to leave the apartment after they were officially separated. She left once and came back two months later because the girl she had moved with had a nasty argument with her boyfriend, the guy was drunk, attacked her and she called the police. The couple made up but she wasn't welcome there anymore. Her salary isn't that great to allow her to immediately rent a new apartment and my brother had no doubt that he couldn't let her on the streets (she is a foreigner and doesn't have much family here). Six months later she moved out again.

I would have always doubted of situations like this, he or she still living with his ex, but now I feel I could understand better this kind of circumstances even if I wouldn't like to have to face a similar situation because it really challenges one's trust and limits of tolerance. Just like you, my brother didn't feel that he could be completely honest about his situation with the girls he was meeting but fortunately this has never backfired on him and hopefully it never will.

This being said, I think that you both have something major to forgive: your omission of the truth on something so important and his nasty way of dealing with it for some time. It's just as difficult for both of you and hopefully the damage that has been done is not going to be permanent. Some things that you did and some things that he did should never be done in a relationship because saying sorry doesn't always make things right. I suppose that you should be able to tell in a while and if you spend more time together if you two are indeed compatible and able to be happy together. Good luck either way.

[cookies27]

Thanks, Valixy. I think that's how I'm feeling about it too- just to keep working at it. I know all of that was equally as hard on him- I definitely don't profess to be innocent in any of this. I just wish (like you said) that some of the things had not been said/done. They are really hard to get over on both sides of the equation.

[smackie9]

People convince themselves that if they say it enough times it becomes the truth. I doubt you were going to tell him, even tho you repeated it in your mind all that time you were going to do it, but in reality if you could have gotten away with it you wouldn't have. I find it piss poor to blame his "inexperience" with relationships on his reaction to his discovery. I think the majority of people would have responded the same way. Who's immature here? I believe it's you. Saving the right moment to tell the person you love that you have been living with your ex, right before the wedding...seriously?? You knew if he knew what was going on, it would probably would have been the end of your relationship but you couldn't risk it. In your post you carefully worded everything smothering it all in butter and sugar as to make yourself not look bad.

Now here you are in desperation because it has all blown up in your face. Don't blame him for your low self esteem, you already had it because anyone with self esteem wouldn't have continued with this relationship in the first place. Reality is, you can't "fix" him, he's a man, he is who he is.....I feel sorry for him because his first marriage is a troubling experience.

[cookies27]

It wasn't right before the wedding...It was 5 months before our wedding. I am not blaming his immaturity on his reaction...Nor did I say that. But I hardly believe that I should be attacked and called a whore every time I step out of the house.

"We talked it all out, and I told him that I had been planning on letting him know the real deal before the wedding, that it had been bothering me etc. I explained the whole thing, talked about my ex and my relationship with him years ago etc. I gave him full disclosure, he added my ex to Skype and got his phone number to text him- I didn't want him worried that I was hiding anything and I really ideally would like for them to be friends as well.

He said all was fine. He was upset that I had lied, and so he had every right to be, but that he understood and could see how being with someone for 5 years would be difficult to just let go."

I AM understanding of it. Otherwise, I wouldn't be holding onto this and trying to fix it. I realize that my actions caused his reactions. However, the other comments made in relation to my body came BEFORE all of this and WERE due to his immaturity.

I came here for advice, not to be attacked. I realize where I have gone wrong. I'm trying to get past all of this.

- - - Updated - - -

And again, who the hell thinks that they're going to meet their soulmate, from a different country, online?! I made a very poor decision in keeping it from him for so long. I should not have done so. But upon first meeting him ONLINE I didn't think it was imperative that I tell him and spill my soul about this other person and the friendship that we have that yes, is based on mutual love and respect- a bond we formed while we were together.

I did have every intention of telling him. I moved back home with my mother, was getting settled in. I spoke to my mom about it AND my sister, they helped me come up with a plan to tell him and I was waiting for him to be off work to approach the subject- I had spoken to them only days earlier. I get it, I look bad. But I'm not that kind of person, and I DID have every intention of telling him because he had the right to know and time before the wedding to back out if he desired to.

In the 5 months leading up to our wedding, EVERYTHING was FINE. He acted completely ok with it, spoke with my ex on several occasions, never said much about it.

Then we got married and things changed. We were married maybe a month when it all started, the jealousy, the rage, the inappropriate comments. And I took it, and I dealt with it, right up until that night when he made the comment regarding me not feeling the same. At that point, it really started to hurt me and cross a line. I don't think I'm wrong for believing that.

Regardless, that was all last year. For the past two months, things have been pretty good. I'm just struggling with forgetting those comments and moving on from how they make me feel, which was why I posted this in the first place. I never said my motives or my actions were not to blame, I never said I was innocent. I'm not innocent, it takes two people to f*** up a relationship. I was hoping maybe someone had been through something similar and could give me advice on how I could move on from this- how I can be a better wife and learn to let go of things.

[smackie9]

It not just about the lying, he doesn't trust you so he punishes you. That's abuse, not lack of experience or immaturity. Being a typical abusee you keep making these excuses for his bad behavior. You don't deserve to be treated like this no matter what. People who truly love someone, don't treat them like shit or go out of their way to make them feel bad. It's not looking good. It wouldn't surprise me that it happens again. I have dated an abusive guy, I know how they work. They are nasty to you, then they say they are sorry, all the right things, suck up to you, and things are amazing for a little while, then the flood gates of jealous and accusations open up again.

Reality check: He doesn't find anything thing wrong with your shape, he used it as a weapon because he knew it would hurt you.

[Sunnybeach7]

The thing about words is we need to be careful what we say, because we can't take them back.
I understand about the immaturity.. I had been with a guy that was similar.. like a bit "slow", but not quite.

He can blame a lot of his inexperience on that.. but unless he lived his life locked up in a shell.. he is using his "immaturity" as an excuse for things that are inexcusable. It's not his immaturity that made him say those things. (He's been alive and dealing with people for 27 years of his life.) It is his bad attitude and desire to control you that made him act like he did.

I don't know how you will get over this.. I recommend therapy & time. Also.. if he really is working on himself, and continues to make progress.. then that is all good.. but if he resorts back and starts verbally abusing you again.. I'm afraid you would be best to get out of this marriage. He needs to respect you. There is no telling if his abuse will stop at verbal.

[michelle23]

You and he don't even know each other. You married someone you met online-someone you only spent real time with a handful of times. You should never have married him. I highly doubt this man is your "soul mate" and I almost positive it will all end in tears.

I also suspect he is cheating on you and that is why he became so paranoid and started calling you all those names and became overcome with jealousy.

And any man who compares you to other women and makes snide remarks on your body is abusive, manipulative and controlling. He is gaslighting you by saying "I didn't know that would hurt you" He did know it would. He wants to crush your self esteem and its working

I would try to get an annulment on this marriage and forget this man

[pcmaster]

Didnt knew trolls get married too. Looks like you married one.

[cookies27]

I appreciate all of the responses, guys. Thank you very much.

I do feel like sometimes I made a mistake getting myself into this whole thing- maybe we didn't know each other enough etc. But I do love him very much and I know that he loves me too, despite the things he's said. I've said some shitty things myself.

I'm going to see my doctor on Monday and hopefully, will be able to get on some antidepressants. I do also suffer from seasonal affective disorder, and this time of year just kicks my ass, too, which isn't helping matters. I think I will feel less despairing once I regain control of my feelings (if we ever really can lol.)

I have suggested to him that we go see a therapist once I get back to the U.S. (mid-March) and he has agreed wholeheartedly. He has some anxiety issues too, so the both of us will benefit from it I think.

I did sign my name on that line, for better or for worse, and I want to put the time in and give it the college try before I give up on something that means a lot to me. I'm just scared because I feel sometimes like maybe there's just too much water under the bridge. You know that saying, sometimes love just isn't enough? I feel that way sometimes. But, I don't take my commitments lightly and I am hoping that having both of us sit down with someone, we might be able to hash this out.

Thank you again, everyone. Even just having somewhere to talk about it has helped immensely and I feel much more hopeful about the situation, good comments and bad. I will update once I get back to the U.S. and feel this thing out more. It's difficult being here (have been for near on 3 months) and not physically being there, and I think the both of us are taking things much harder than they ought to be taken, just the circumstances are getting to us both.

[smackie9]

Best of luck and TY for the update.