Song for a breakup

[stevestone]

I wrote this song about a breakup and wanted some constructive criticism. Thanks all

Here is link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wgWpKxGUWh8

[pcmaster]

Steve you will be just fine. Seriously could do with clealer diction in the middle. Song have some catchy rythm to it.

[Rowen]

I used to critique all sorts of writing (including lyrics) on a few writing forums back in the day, so forgive me if I'm being too blunt...

First of all, congratulations on developing a catchy rhythm. However, you might want to tighten up some of the points where your guitar falters with the melody repetition. Re-watch your video paying specific attention to the acoustic sound. Then re-watch it again paying attention to the lyrics. I say this because I counted three spots that sounded a bit like you were trying too hard to repeat the melody. Maybe you could incorporate a note in-between repeats so it doesn't sound so abrupt?

Then we come to the lyrics. When I listened to it, it sounded to me as though you developed a melody and then developed the lyrics because there was tons of repetition in the lyrics which, in my opinion, got a bit annoying. I'd like to see you take the lyrics (I assume they're written down) and really focus on strengthening them both with diction and detail while removing any contradictions in them. For example, towards the end, you mention specifically that "both of you will be fine in time" but then you go on to say that you "don't mind." To me, that says that you're either already over the person you broke up with or that you didn't really care about your relationship. And if you're already over her, why are you writing a song about your breakup then? To me, that spells contradiction.

In short, I'd like to see you get rid of the repetition of words in your verses because I think it really takes away from the potential of how meaningful this tune could be. And in place, I'd like you to truly convey more how you feel because I'm getting an air of apathy when I listen to your song. When people listen to music, they want to *feel something* and the only way to do that is to put detailed feelings into it and detailed scenes when you refer to a specific instance (in your case, the night at the lake reference).

Here are some examples of songs I feel are good examples of detailed feelings and scenes in case you'd like an example. Perhaps, they can help you get a sense of seeing what I mean? If you listen to them, I recommend listening to them twice- once to the lyrics and once to the melody.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BkGG_EnAVko
I'm Yours by The Script

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gU-VpNFIsA4
Maybe He'll Notice Her Now by Mindy McCready

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2GREnyz7YiM
For My Broken Heart by Reba McEntire

Hope this helps you some. It's a good start, and there's a lot that can be done with it.

[stevestone]

I used to critique all sorts of writing (including lyrics) on a few writing forums back in the day, so forgive me if I'm being too blunt...

First of all, congratulations on developing a catchy rhythm. However, you might want to tighten up some of the points where your guitar falters with the melody repetition. Re-watch your video paying specific attention to the acoustic sound. Then re-watch it again paying attention to the lyrics. I say this because I counted three spots that sounded a bit like you were trying too hard to repeat the melody. Maybe you could incorporate a note in-between repeats so it doesn't sound so abrupt?

Then we come to the lyrics. When I listened to it, it sounded to me as though you developed a melody and then developed the lyrics because there was tons of repetition in the lyrics which, in my opinion, got a bit annoying. I'd like to see you take the lyrics (I assume they're written down) and really focus on strengthening them both with diction and detail while removing any contradictions in them. For example, towards the end, you mention specifically that "both of you will be fine in time" but then you go on to say that you "don't mind." To me, that says that you're either already over the person you broke up with or that you didn't really care about your relationship. And if you're already over her, why are you writing a song about your breakup then? To me, that spells contradiction.

In short, I'd like to see you get rid of the repetition of words in your verses because I think it really takes away from the potential of how meaningful this tune could be. And in place, I'd like you to truly convey more how you feel because I'm getting an air of apathy when I listen to your song. When people listen to music, they want to *feel something* and the only way to do that is to put detailed feelings into it and detailed scenes when you refer to a specific instance (in your case, the night at the lake reference).

Here are some examples of songs I feel are good examples of detailed feelings and scenes in case you'd like an example. Perhaps, they can help you get a sense of seeing what I mean? If you listen to them, I recommend listening to them twice- once to the lyrics and once to the melody.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BkGG_EnAVko
I'm Yours by The Script

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gU-VpNFIsA4
Maybe He'll Notice Her Now by Mindy McCready

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2GREnyz7YiM
For My Broken Heart by Reba McEntire

Hope this helps you some. It's a good start, and there's a lot that can be done with it.

for putting the time into writing what you did. By repetition are you referring the me repeating the "I think" for example? I made the lyrics and the song up on the spot. I hit record and that is what came out. I agree that they are bland, etc. I really found what you wrote as very helpful and again appreciate the time you invested into it.

I am going to take your advice. I just want you to clarify on the repetition part you are discussing.

[Rowen]

Anytime; it's what I do. And, yes, I meant the repetition of the words think, won't in "won't be left behind" all the times you say it, remember (well "mem" from remember), and time in "time to say goodbye".

Also, I confused just moonlight with it being lakeside when you mentioned "I remember the other night sitting in the moonlight." I'd like to see some more detail of that scene. As the old saying goes "show, don't tell" meaning that detail can make the listener envision it for themselves. For some reason, I thought it was lakeside, but I was wrong- it was just moonlight.

But congrats on the fact that you were able to come up with that on the spot. I know I would never be able to do that.

[cookies27]

I actually enjoyed the repetition lol. I thought it was a really cute song- I could see someone like the Taylor Swifts or that band that sings...Hey There, Delilah? I can't remember what they're called, but yeah someone like that singing it. With the right vocalist, that song would be a hit. It's precisely the repetition that makes it catchy, as well as the inflection on the dip at the end of the phrasing. I really enjoyed it!

On a constructive level, I'm sure you probably know that you're not the best vocalist in the world? That could be cleaned up exponentially. The melody is catchy though- as a song writer, you could probably be quite successful with that, although I feel like maybe a bit of a "hook" (a bridge or a chorus) to break up the repetitiveness as well as the overall melody a bit would just smoothe out the song.

Well done, though! Really cute! <3

[stevestone]

I actually enjoyed the repetition lol. I thought it was a really cute song- I could see someone like the Taylor Swifts or that band that sings...Hey There, Delilah? I can't remember what they're called, but yeah someone like that singing it. With the right vocalist, that song would be a hit. It's precisely the repetition that makes it catchy, as well as the inflection on the dip at the end of the phrasing. I really enjoyed it!

On a constructive level, I'm sure you probably know that you're not the best vocalist in the world? That could be cleaned up exponentially. The melody is catchy though- as a song writer, you could probably be quite successful with that, although I feel like maybe a bit of a "hook" (a bridge or a chorus) to break up the repetitiveness as well as the overall melody a bit would just smoothe out the song.

Well done, though! Really cute! <3

amnot the best vocalist lol. I reason that if i sang it over and over 100 times it would get better. But I apprecaite your ice comments.