What does "I miss you but I need space" mean?

[ezekial]

Broke up with my girl 3 weeks ago over something stupid and little after being together for 2 years. We talk on and off and have gone on a few dates. I told her that I miss her and still love her and want to work on things. She tells me she misses me too but needs space and wants to be single for a little while. She avoids talking to me too much and when we do talk doesn't like talking about "us". I feel like she put me in the friend zone with the backup plan of getting back with me if nothing better comes along. Does this sound about right?

[basilandthyme]

Yep, I think you've got it right. Time to move on.

[ezekial]

Are there any situations or reasons she would be doing this for any other reason? Would she legitimately just want some time to think about stuff with the intent of maybe trying again or is it pretty clear that in her mind it's over?

[basilandthyme]

I guess there could be, but I can't think of any. I can only tell you that if I didn't want to risk losing a guy, I wouldn't leave him waiting around.

[ezekial]

Hmm alright I guess that does make sense. There's a lot more backstory to the whole situation but I typed it all out in another forum thread and it got a lot of views but no response so I tried a much shorter approach this time since it was long.

[basilandthyme]

Ok, so let's go back into the history: If the problem was a stupid one, why were the two of you arguing over it? Did the two of you have a history of arguing over stuff which is stupid? If so, I can see why she'd be wary about coming back.

If she was to come back, what changes could be made by you to ensure that stupid arguments don't happen anymore? (And yes, she would have to make changes too, but you can only fix you)

[ezekial]

Well when she met me we worked in the same place and I was a manager and she worked under me. I lost my job to something stupid but bounced back and went to another company. She took some time off which was supposed to be short but ended up being 10 months. In which time I completed supported her in every way. She got a job but then I got laid off. So we fought about money even though I was the one paying for everything. Her knew job paid very well and we got in an argument over something so pitifully stupid and unrelated to anything but decided we needed some time off. Now she's enjoying her new freedom and her good paying job and kinda just left me off on my own. I am doing fine now myself but I just feel really cheap about the whole thing. She says she wants to see me do well again like when she first met me and maybe get back with me. The whole idea of me taking care of her while she didnt work and then leave me when her life gets back on track are the issues I have with her. Despite all this I still love and care for her because when we were good we were amazing just stupid little stuff that led up to the break.

[basilandthyme]

Ah, we're entering money territory. This isn't stupid little stuff! It's critical to gauge compatibility in this area....and at present, there seems to be a huge disparity between your morals and ethics.

the post doesn't quite make sense, so please let me confirm:

1. you supported her when she was unemployed.
2. she got a job
3. you got laid off
4. (this is the bit I don't understand) you continued to pay for everything despite being unemployed
5. you got a new job
6. the two of you broke up due to something unrelated.

If I understand this correctly, then DO NOT go back to her without first making an agreement on how your finances are worked. It seems to me like she's been using you financially. You need to ensure she contributes financially....and what should happen if either of you is ever unemployed again.

It would be a grave mistake to continue to call this issue 'stupid'. We're talking a huge disparity between the morals and ethics of the two of you. While things may be all wonderful when there isn't the money issue happening, this is too important to push aside.

[ezekial]

The money territory wasn't the stupid little stuff. The tension caused by the money introduced arguments over very unrelated and little things. I made good money while employed and had savings so during my time of job searching I still managed to upkeep my financial responsibilities. There was a few months towards the end, while she was working, that we did split the costs of living. In her eyes though she saw that she was making money and I wasn't so her value in me depreciated. That's why she states now that if I get back to where I was she would consider going back to me. I want to fight and try to make things work out because I see the beauty that was in our relationship despite our disparity in morals and ethics that you point out. Financial arrangements are one thing and will definitely be talked about thoroughly if that point is ever reached.

My issue right now is trying to figure out what she really wants. When we see each other, I can tell she misses me and is not over me yet emotionally. I do not know if this is just a normal reaction to breaking up or if it has a deeper emotional root. The fact she doesn't show effort on her end to work on things and seemingly has walls up is quite disconcerting. I asked her to let me know if there was no chance for us and I would hold no ill feelings or resentment towards her. I will always care for her and be there for her if she needed but do not want to be strung along and have my emotions played with.

[KingZ]

I see the beauty that was in our relationship despite our disparity in morals and ethics that you point out.

From one man to another, I can assure you that the "beauty" you see is the result of your being blinded by love (and sex). Stay broken up with her for 3 months and see if you don't snap out of that quickly.

Basil has this dead on. When there's a "disparity in morals and ethics" between two people, it's doomed for failure. Every. Single. Time.

[ezekial]

You are probably absolutely right that I was blinded and still am to some extent. I am not as hurt as I was in the beginning and I see more clearly now. I still have not accepted that I should give up on it though. I feel that it deserves another chance with all other factors being stable to see how we would be together. The time and effort that I have already put into it makes me want to at least give it a little more time before I truly move on.

I am just trying to gather where her head is at through all this and what her intentions are. I do not want to believe that she is so cold and emotionless to just string me along with no intention at all of seeing if there is still a chance. It is the unknowing that drives me mad and it is how everything progressed that really makes me believe there is still hope. Part of me wishes that something unforgivable was done by either party so I would know it's done for good.

I could feel anger, resentment, remorse and regret for many reasons. In the end, despite my feelings, I truly just want her to be happy. If it is without me that is fine as long as I know that's how it has to be. I can let her go and move on if I knew for sure.

[basilandthyme]

In her eyes though she saw that she was making money and I wasn't so her value in me depreciated. That's why she states now that if I get back to where I was she would consider going back to me.

I can't believe you'd reconsider going back to someone who has this attitude. She's making it very clear that the thing she values most highly in you is your earning potential. Heck, she's not even appreciating that you were able to bounce back and get another job.

My issue right now is trying to figure out what she really wants.

That's simple. She really wants a man who has a lot of money. Evidenced by the fact that she'll accept you back when you return to your previous financial status. The rest of your qualities don't mean enough to her that she'd accept you back without your financial assets.

Mate, it's girls like this who give the rest of us a bad name.

[ezekial]

Yea you guys are right, I am just being stupid and hanging on to something that is not meant to be. I guess it just hurts that I let myself fall for someone like that. Thanks for another point of view. I needed a neutral party's opinion.

[basilandthyme]

Life and dating is one big learning experience. As nice at it would be to sail through life without falling for the wrong people, it all helps us grow and learn about making the right choices.

- - - Updated - - -

I feel that it deserves another chance with all other factors being stable to see how we would be together.

Just one more thought: All relationships are good when times are easy. But it's during times of duress that we get to see if the relationship really has legs

[ezekial]

Not all are good, sometimes you find out you are not compatible with the other person or find out something about the other person that you can just not tolerate. These things can happen even when everything else is going well. Her and I got along great and our personalities were perfectly aligned. It's just her viewpoint on life and what she desires in a person is very unrealistic. I blame myself for not identifying it sooner.

In no relation to what I intend to do after this point but purely for clarification purposes. Her statements on what she would need for us to get back together, is that genuinely how she feels or is that just a play to keep me around in case nothing better comes along in that time period? I feel that if I understand her thought process more on this I can better understand if something went wrong along the way or if it's purely that I got used. If I am no longer someone she desires to be with then why continue to talk to me and see me on occasion. Why does she still have all our pictures up in the apartment and sleep in my t-shirts at night? She tells me that I have things left over there but never delivers them to me or gives them to me when I am over.

Talking about this has given me greater insight but still leaves me with questions. Some may be irrelevant but since I have never gotten closure I can't help but wonder.