Open letter to ex boyfriend whom I cannot let go of

[deepthinker]

I just wish I could write this letter and give it to my ex (a classmate of mine), but doing so would be out of question. Circumstances would never allow it, and nor would it be a practical option. Thus I am sharing it with all of you here, and hoping to find some comfort. These words are from the deepest corners of my heart. If only I would get one chance to say them to him! But we are not even on talking terms. He avoids me completely

I love you.
I love you more than words can describe. Just who is that unlucky girl who had broken your heart so badly that it shook your faith in the whole concept of love? Shook your faith so badly that you have hardened your heart, put a hard shell around yourself and are refusing to acknowledge the presence of a girl who loves you to death?? Don’t you see, I want to give you a lifetime of happiness and joy? I want to give you all the warmth, love and belonging that you have ever craved! How hurt I was each time you told me to forget you and move on! How hurt I was, whenever you told me that I deserve someone better than you. How could you devalue yourself like this? How could you be so hard hearted??? How can I prove how much I love you?

I know…….. I know that once upon a time, long before you had met me, you were also a tender-hearted boy and a true lover. You loved a girl with all your heart. You had vested all your hopes on her. You were willing to do anything for her. You were willing to go to the ends of the world for her. And then she broke your heart. She threw your love back onto your face. She cheated you. She broke your trust badly. Thereafter you became inhumane. You temporarily took to drinking, in order to drown your misery. Soon your tears dried. You vowed never to make the mistake of falling for anyone again. You became a frivolous and 'fast' sort of guy. Your every action is ruthless and self-seeking. You have become a ladies' man. You treat females as objects of pleasure. You find sickly pleasure in seeing a girl cry. A girl’s feelings mean absolutely nothing to you. You see it all as a joke. Thus you played with my feelings and broke my heart, and parted with the most insulting words, while I begged you to reconsider your decision of breaking up with me. Words which haunt me to this very day!

But I can never forget you. I can never forsake you. I can never start pretending that you don’t exist. Your suffering is my suffering. Your pain is my pain. Even though you have insulted me and said the nastiest words which I don't deserve at all, I hold nothing against you. I have absorbed all the insults, because I love you so much! I have forgiven you for all the pain you have caused me. Why don't you open up to me? Why don't you tell me the whole story of your past? I can put all my own life's heartbreaks, disappointments and miseries aside, in order to listen to yours and provide you with comfort. Why do you see me as your enemy? Why do you see me as a competitor, when all I want is to be your friend, ally and anything else you desire in a girl? Why do you take pleasure in seeing me suffer? Why do you contribute to my humiliation in class, especially when I have done nothing to you? Never had I ever imagined that it would come to this!

Just who is that girl??

[basilandthyme]

Deepthinker, you have some serious self analysis to do. Why do you love yourself so little that you'd fall for a man like this?

If there was heartbreak in his past, you can't blame the girl. We all experience heartbreak during out lives, but only a few let that experience turn us into nasty pieces of human effluent. If indeed he did have his heart broken, his reaction only shows his own lack of resilience - nothing more. Though you also must consider the possibility that he's simply an asshole.

[michelle23]

He didnt get his heart broken. That is just an excuse all players use to make you feel sorry for them so youll open your legs. Your being very naive believing a word this loser says. We all have exes, most of us have been cheated on but we dont use that as an excuse to treat other people like dirt. This guy played you well

[pcmaster]

Tell me his email and your name and I will get this done(send him a letter).

loveforum.net/threads/85672-Guide-How-to-deal-with-breakup

[deepthinker]

Basilandthyme and Michelle23: yes he is a total player, and is really narcissistic as well. He had weaved his magic over me by pretending to be a very decent, sweet, sensitive and helpful guy who reflects my ethics. It turned out that he's quite the opposite rather, and can stoop very low to get what he wants.

Well our breakup took place about 7 months ago, and since then he has been giving me the total silent treatment.... refuses to say hi to me in person, ignores my calls and facebook msgs etc. Actually I have totally stopped calling him or msging him off late, ever since I succeeded in recovering somewhat (has been a very tough challenge indeed!). But directly after our breakup, for 3 whole months I was such a nervous wreck!! I cried constantly and felt like I would die without him. I couldn't eat or sleep, and even fell ill once. I couldn’t even imagine my life and future without this handsome and charismatic guy! I also felt a significant amount of guilt, and blamed myself for driving him away, even though I couldn't quite figure out what my fault was. It was actually he who made me feel guilty and blamed me for our relationship not working out, and completely refused to take responsibility for any of his own faults. Anyway so after the breakup I would text and message him on phone and Facebook, begging him to come back, telling him how much I was suffering and how deeply I loved him, that I deserve another chance etc. Of course, he never ever gave a word of reply! Completely ignored all my msgs. Even ignored my "Happy New Year" greetings and never wished me back during special occasions. He had completely moved on the very same day. In fact, the next day itself I saw him trying to woo another girl from our class (a rather popular and pretty girl). Even while our relationship was on, he was keeping his options open. He would constantly eye other attractive girls in our college, all while sitting romancing me. At that time I didn't think too deeply, as I was so smitten with him and didn't imagine he'd leave me.

Anyway to cut a long story short, my biggest mistake was to beg him and inundate him with msgs during the few months after the breakup, but truth of the matter is that I was so desperate that I wasn’t even in control of my actions! Then gradually the msgs decreased from my end, and finally ceased. I hardened my heart to accept the truth (that I cannot have him).

I am mostly over him, especially since I have had a chance to think objectively and with a clear mind regarding his true nature and values (or lack thereof), and realising that he’s indeed the biggest jerk and player. Even as I type, he is probably playing multiple girls. I still have some residual feelings left for him though, hence last night I was going through a moment of weakness in which I pondered whether it was that girl from his past who has made him into this ruthless, materialistic, greedy and selfish jerk. I wondered if it would be possible to change him for the better (by giving him the right amount of love and understanding), though it is kind of next to impossible. And of course after reading your replies, I have to agree that you’re spot on!

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Pcmaster, you want to send him my letter?? Don't you think that I could do it myself, since I have his e-mail address and all? But no, while I wish I could convey those words to him, it would be the biggest mistake baring my feelings in front of him after all that happened.

Thanks for your breakup help link though. I have mostly recovered at this stage.

[pcmaster]

It seems like you have some kind of block in mind - thats why I offered to send that letter since you said you cant do it.
However crazy thing about letter is that you seem to understand exactly whats wrong with the guy and still love him. Quite powerful thing you have writen there. From it you not just explain yourself but explain the guy himself aswell. Thats like therapy and also guy would see that you have brains too, not the stupid girl to fool around as he thought.

Only problem is he might use your feelings to control you since you gave him pretty high value with all the emotional things you wrote.

[michelle23]

He will laugh at you if you send him that and probably post it on facebook. The guy is a loser and not worth your time or effort. The only thing hurting is your ego and you need to get over it. Yes he hurt you and knocked your confidence but life goes on and theres a billion other guys out there-plenty that are worth more than him so its time to pick yourself up, dust yourself off and move on. 7 months is too long to waste pining over an arsehole like him. You dodged a bullet so go put your party shoes on and pop some champagne.

[deepthinker]

Michelle23: I am fine. I am 95% over him. Read what I wrote in my previous post. It's just that I have some residual feelings left, which are dormant most of the time but tend to pop up once in a while. As I wrote, I was going through a moment of weakness when I was missing him and wishing that I could have him back. But I wouldn't even attempt that.

I have started leading a normal lifestyle (socialising, doing activities with friends) a long time ago, in fact very soon after our breakup. At first it was tough and I literally had to force myself and still felt empty and miserable no matter how much fun I tried to have. Now I sort of live as if he doesn't even exist, and it's much easier. But yes, we're studying in the same class at the same institute. I kinda have to see him everyday in class, and that is the tough part. Even after such a long time, my stomach still gives a lurch for a second, the moment I see him walk in. It hurts slightly when he interacts normally and laughs and socialises with all our mutual friends, but completely avoids looking in my direction or acknowledging my presence. It's really awkward, especially since I am on really good terms with almost everyone else in the class and yet there is this 'cold war' between him and me. I wish like anything that it could somehow be sorted out and we can be normal friends and talk and interact normally. Even after I have recovered and 'let him go' and felt that I am ready to be just friends with him, I have attempted to patch things up numerous times. But he is adamant. I have no idea what the solution is. I guess I will also have to let that go, because on the flipside I shouldn't even want to be friends with such a jerk.

Btw, I wouldn't agree that my ego is hurting. If I had ego I would never have forgiven him for his nasty actions, words and gestures. I would never have absorbed all of them (and believe me, I am not that forgiving a person usually!) or still wanted to be friends with him. Even I am surprised at how I have absorbed all his insults and cruel words.

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Pcmaster: yes, you are quite right. Writing that letter had a therapeutic effect on me. In fact, that is the reason why I wrote it in the first place. There's no question of me ever giving him that letter for real, as that would be the worst idea ever (I somewhat agree with what Michelle23 wrote above). So you can say I did it for myself rather, as a form of release.
Yes he did take me for the biggest fool. Few times I had stood my ground and managed to outsmart him during our relationship, which had frustrated and embittered him greatly, and played a role in him abandoning me. He wanted to sleep with me very early in the relationship, and I refused to ever sleep with him. He even tried to extract money from me, and failed in that endeavour too. Even though I was a crying wreck after the breakup, I still made a point to smarten up and see things objectively as they are, and identify the real scenario, and understand his real personality and intentions. Took a lot of learning, reflecting, analysing, introspection etc. But I am glad I did!

My letter simply reflects how, even though I know him for who he is and have logically figured things out for what they are, still my emotions sometimes takes over and overrides logic.

[woody]

glad your taking off those rose tinted glasses and seeing him for what he is. Now if only you could keep the glasses off full time....

[Rowen]

Deepthinker, you have some serious self analysis to do. Why do you love yourself so little that you'd fall for a man like this?

If there was heartbreak in his past, you can't blame the girl. We all experience heartbreak during out lives, but only a few let that experience turn us into nasty pieces of human effluent. If indeed he did have his heart broken, his reaction only shows his own lack of resilience - nothing more. Though you also must consider the possibility that he's simply an asshole.

^ Beautiful post, Basil. Truly a beautiful post- I completely agree.

OP, I'm going to share with a quote from my favorite novel, only because it helped me a number of times, along with the kind support of everyone on this forum...

"And I suppose I do believe in the final analysis that a peace of mind can be obtained in the face of the worst horrors and the worst losses. It can be obtained by faith in change and in will and in accident and by faith in ourselves, that we will do the right thing, more often than not, in the face of adversity. For ours is the power and the glory, because we are capable of visions and ideas which are ultimately stronger and more enduring than we are."

What this quote is saying, just as Basil said, is that we have a choice as human beings. We can either allow what hurts us to destroy us and alter our perceptions of reality. Or, we can grow from it. Thus, by that thinking, everyone has the power to do harm; it's only a matter of whether or not we'll choose to use it. That and no matter what, we have the power to change and become better from it, no matter how much injustice we inflict in our lives.

That being said, however, change within him is not something that anyone else can control. And sending this letter would be an act to attempt to obtain control over his choice. So, the best I can say is that since you've written this out and have released it to the world, it's best to focus on yourself right now... After all, now is the time to ask yourself the same question presented above- are you going to allow this to destroy you and ultimately alter your perceptions? Are you going to allow pain to wash away your personality- the person you were before you met him?

Entirely, it's your choice, but I will say that I truly hope you don't because it does get better; that's coming from someone who once dated a man similar to the one you've described.

So, it's all about choices...What's yours?

[michelle23]

I remember when me and my first ex split. He cheated and I was angry as hell. To make it worse we went to the same school and my bitch of a geography teacher must have sensed something was up coz she forced us to sit together in class. It was like 2weeks of hell.. then we had 2 weeks off for easter and I came back looking smoking hot flaunting my rebound in his face. Vrow a pair girl and let him go f**k himself. Hes just one bloke and you can do so much better

You just gotta front it out and pretend you dont give a damn. And soon enough you wont

[deepthinker]

Michelle23: Hahahaha!!! Thanks for sharing your story. Good to know that you totally came out the winner!

Yes, in fact I did get a makeover since this year started. Not a huge makeover, but a subtle one (that is sufficient). I have revamped everything, from the way I dress and present myself, to my attitude, behaviour and personality (have grown more confident, stronger etc.). Others have noticed and complimented me, but I don't think he has noticed at all. He always ignores me and doesn't even look in my direction. Or maybe he has noticed, but doesn't care (coz he's too busy picking up new girls each day, and spending every moment texting them on his phone... even while lectures are on!). Blah.

Rowen, thanks for your inputs. Those lines you quoted, are they from the Witching Hour by any chance? I am also an avid reader of novels. I love to both read and write in my spare time.

You asked me what choice I have made. Let me tell you that I have received such a huge blow from this whole saga that I have decided I will never ever love again. I will never give my heart to anyone ever again. I will never trust again. I will never use my emotions ever again. I might even start to employ some of the ruthless tactics that my ex-bf and those like him tend to use, in order to get ahead in life.

See, this isn't the first time I have had my heart broken. I have had my heart broken multiple times in the past. And then I even went through a failed marriage (yes already, even though I am still in my 20's), where it turned out that the man I had loved and trusted for several years before finally marrying him (whom I thought had also loved me with all he had) was actually a fraud who did not even marry me for love, but for other benefits. And right after that, this particular incident with my latest bf took place. I have had enough! It seems that every individual on this earth care only for their own selfish interests, and prey on those who are loving and gentle. Everywhere I look, whether it's out on the streets, or at my institute, or within my extended family or friends circle, are people of this type only. Gone are the days of true love, friendship, loyalty etc. I am finding myself becoming emotion-less and slightly ruthless as well, just like everyone else around me (or maybe I am simply learning to stand my ground and be assertive). But yes, this experience has caused a shift in my fundamental nature for the first time in life. People have taken advantage of my gentle and docile nature since childhood, but I have now arrived at a point where I just cannot allow that to happen anymore! I am also becoming slightly bad.

[michelle23]

It sounds to me like your a serial monogamist and not in a good way. Have you ever been single? Or do you just hop from ine man to another without any real break in between? I think the best thing for people like you after years of being burned is to take some time out. 6-12 months of being completely independent, single, no men whatsoever.. that is the only way to re-evaluate what you want and where you have been going wrong.

Im 24 and I have never really been hurt in relationships coz I know I dont NEED a man and I have taken time out in between exes. I think when you learn to be happy on your own, thats when you find happieness with someone else. Until then your just settling for second best out of fear of being on your own.

If the same thing keeps happening then you need to change. Change your type and dont be a doormat for anyone