What would you ladies do: awkward coursemate rejection

[jj123]

By way of background, I'm currently in a postgrad course at university am en route to a professional qualification. There is a girl on my course whom I've known from day 1. We have good banter, although communicate more over text and Facebook than we do when we sit next to each other in our lectures. She's quite pretty and she knows it, having once said, "I know I'm pretty and think that I'm better than everyone. And I know I'm bitchy and annoying". She pokes fun at me a lot, which is pretty standard given my misadventures in clubs, national stereotypes, and life in general. I have a fairly self-deprecating humour. But occasionally it goes a bit beyond the line and she'll say things like, "we could be friends, but you're just way too annoying!". We'll get into mini-arguments that she'll initiate when we're out at social events that will make people around us somewhat uncomfortable and gravitate away. I have been drunk on a couple of evenings and gotten into arguments with her, but we've patched things up and didn't seem to really care.

My friends and colleagues suggest frequently that there's a lot of tension between us and that we clearly like one another. So recently, I was out at a party and a friend told me to just get the tension over with. In part because I had a bit to drink, and in part because I thought he was right, I told him to bring it up in front of us both in a jokey way (as in "yeah, sure whatever, you try sayin' that!"). So he called over over and said as much, which I didn't exactly expect. I then tried to ask this girl to drinks/a date and she said a whole series of things: "no, I'm not going to date you, I'm not ready to date...you're too nice a guy, I'm into jerks, sorry.....you deserve better.....you've been friendzoned". After she left, I had a bit of a meltdown because the rejection made no sense. And I'm now a bit of a social pariah. I will have to see her eventually at university and she hangs in the same social circles as I do.

Any advice on how I should approach this would be greatly appreciated. I've been rejected a lot in the past for similar reasons -- women usually see me as a reliable friend and entertaining guy. But it's come to the point where they can abuse that loyalty I have and "have their cake and eat it" so to speak. I'm probably going to have to see her later this week for another social function.

Thanks for reading.

-J.J.

[basilandthyme]

JJ, I don't know how to help you recover things with this girl. If anything, I suggest you go the opposite way and tone down your friendship substantially and move into the distance.

As for future girls, I've known guys who I've only ever seen as a reliable friend and entertaining guy, and they've all had one thing in common: they didn't make a move on me early enough and ended up in the friendzone. If you want a girlfriend, you need to put yourself forward as a potential boyfriend from the start. Flirt, tease, a little sexual innuendo - you have encourage you to think about you in a way which isn't friendship. Even as you get to know her, don't become her confidant until she's your girlfriend.

You know how girls are advised to not have sex until she dates a guy? How very often a guy won't commit if he can get the sex easily? Well, much the same can be said for men holding back on the close friends thing until she's a girlfriend.

[Lord Darkshire]

I agree with the above post but I want to add to it. When a girl like that says you are "too nice" she means you are borrrrring! You don't excite her, or turn her on. The Jerks she talks about are guys who have enough balls to let her know they want her, that are aggressive, confident. She gets turned on by these guys, who are not afraid to make advances, talk dirty, flirt. Having that "no fear" is masculine to them young ladies.

You having a friend bringing it up in front of her like that is so lame. It's no wonder she said no. You got to change your strategy bro.

[jj123]

Yeah, I agree with you on the last point. I should clarify that I didn't explicitly request my mate to stand us across from one another and tell us to break tension. It was more: "pfftt, yeah sure, you try sayin' that". More jocular, but he acted nonetheless. Wasn't entirely anticipating it.

As for the boring part, I think she knows I'm quite a character on nights out. I always end up in bizarre establishments with crazy stories. I'm also a semipro hockey player and am quite scrappy. I had an issue with trying to make advances from an early stage because she was on my course. If things went south right off the bat, it'd be a long year. But I take your point.