Unrequited Love / Need to move on

[mkp515]

Let me begin by saying my situation is probably similar to many others on this site but in my heart it is unique and I feel I need guidance. I cannot let go of an ex gf who doesn't feel the same way about me. Our relationship was full of bliss and so much love and affection. Its so hard for me to except how she doesn't feel the same. I will give some history. It all started back in march 2011. Two friends (amy & ryan) had just mutually ended things after 3 years. They were both great friends of mine. Long story short a month after the breakup, Amy began talking to me about going to prom with one of her friends and I politely declined. This led to us beginning a deeper friendship which included talking about her mutual breakup. We began getting closer and things just clicked between us. It was something so beautiful but so spontaneous and we both couldn't control our feelings towards each other. She felt like like the h word for moving on so fast to her ryans friend and I felt like an asshole for liking my amys ex. But like I mentioned before it was so beautiful to us and it led me not her to keeping our relationship a complete secret. I was so consumed with if this was to get exposed I would lose the respect of Ryan and our mutual friends.

Time went by and our friends found out and word got around to Ryan. We spoke about it and I denied the relationship because we were still in secrecy. I could see it in his face that he knew but he didn't care. Even though he didn't care, that day I lost him as a friend. A year goes by, Amy and I get into a tiny argument that leads to us not speaking for a week, probably the biggest and only argument we've ever been in. She takes this time to say she wants to break up and focus on her work and school and mentions us keeping our relationship a secret has taken its toll on her. I beg and plead and profess my love to her but to no avail. I'm lost and confused how can things end like this? All my attempts to make up were shut down by her and that was our first break up, May 2012. I was texting her constantly, I sent her flowers and the idea of still keeping her in my life was the mindset.

Eventually 2-3 times from July 2012 to January 2013 she asked for my company and I embraced any request to be closer to her. The final time I stated that I couldn't keep seeing her as friend with the feelings I have for her and yet again my attempt to mend our relationship was shut down. Her excuse this time was she didn't feel the same and she doesn't want to force anything. This lead to a long period of no contact in which I decided had to be done. During this period of time being spent alone, with her always on my mind, and in a state of depression I get the worst news ever. I find out from other friends that she has been seeing someone else, not in a relationship but more of a fwb deal. I was devastated, I wanted to rip my heart out and say something but what. We were not in a relationship and I didn't want to seem like a crazy person to her. I gave her the benefit of the doubt that we were not together so she had the right. But in my heart I felt that we went through so much and had so much respect for each other the least she could have done was inform me.

I tried to deal with this as best I could. In June, right before I was headed on a vacation she contacts me and we begin texting together. Again, I was falling for her and was happy at any attempt to speak with her. After vacation, she asks to see me and of course I agree and it starts and ends as a friendly reunion. She asks to see me a second time in which after a night of hanging out at a lounge she says to me she always knew I was the one she could settle down with and wants to work on rebuilding our relationship. I was happy and without thinking too long agreed to something I've wanted for the past year. I told her about what I knew of her and her fwb situation. She informed me that it was nothing serious and she stopped seeing me because she felt the more she did the more I was being hurt. I said I understood but told her I deserved to know and that there's just some things you don't do to somebody after all you've done together. She was filled with regret and hurt and I think it pushed her away from me a little bit. I never told her anything in an angry way but I just told her how the things she did made me feel. Little did I know a month into trying to rebuild she hits me with the same "she doesn't feel the same and I don't wanna force feelings" excuse. I'm heartbroken all over again because what kind of second chance was that. I beg and plead to no avail once again and following a few days I come to the realization that the pain ends now and I must move on.

However, I make the mistake of asking to be friends still and we agree. A few weeks later she contacts me telling me shes sick and I jumped to be by her side. It was something so personal and she felt I was the one she needed by her side. After she recovered, we began to hang out with each other like friends a few times. I didn't wanna use her being sick as an excuse to get closer but at that time I really wanted her to love me back. Time went by and we barely have seen each other. I get the occasional text on holidays and etc but nothing else. Its now March 2014 and she decides to ask me to lunch. I agree and we catch up. Then she tells me shes been talking to someone and wants to enter a relationship with him, asking my opinion on the person because guess what? I know him. I explain to her that this is extremely hard to hear let alone expect to see. The girl I love with all my heart, would take a bullet for is asking m opinion on someone else. I know we were not together but I cant help but express how I have been feeling about her. She claims she understands and cares for me and always wants to be in my life but her feelings for me still aren't the same.

I'm hurt and cant imagine her with anyone else but me. I feel like I let her get too comfortable with me by being her friend but when you love her like I do, its uncontrollable to still want her in my life. Why is it so much easier for her and harder for me? She says she hates that shes doing this to me but the only way she can explain why were not in a relationship is her not feeling the same. That explanation is so hard for me to interpret. She keeps telling me I'm the greatest guy shes ever known and she cares for me so much...then why doesn't she feel the same? I realized I had to end things and stop any friendship/communication with her whatsoever. If i had done this sooner, I would be in a much better position and she realizes that she got too comfortable. I know I have to let her go and move on but sometimes its hard for me. I'm seeking guidance.

[lost_man]

Your instinct to end all contact with her is correct. When someone is perhaps a little vulnerable and needy, as with respect I'm sure you would agree you have been with this girl, sometimes it will attract people into your life who will use you simply because they can. They don't really know they are doing it, but if you let them them will suck you dry, an example of which being her asking for your opinion on another guy when she knows you have feelings for her. Another would be her using you as her emergency support when she feels like it. My advice to you is to try to strengthen yourself and realise what your patterns are, which starts with allowing yourself to grieve for your feelings about this girl. Don't wallow for too long though, and don't jump into another relationship until you no longer think about this girl. Perhaps date around casually, work on yourself, your self esteem, your confidence. You have to respect yourself before someone else will. Not the easy answer wrapped in a bow that perhaps you were hoping for, but that's what I think nonetheless. Hope it helps

[mkp515]

Your instinct to end all contact with her is correct. When someone is perhaps a little vulnerable and needy, as with respect I'm sure you would agree you have been with this girl, sometimes it will attract people into your life who will use you simply because they can. They don't really know they are doing it, but if you let them them will suck you dry, an example of which being her asking for your opinion on another guy when she knows you have feelings for her. Another would be her using you as her emergency support when she feels like it. My advice to you is to try to strengthen yourself and realise what your patterns are, which starts with allowing yourself to grieve for your feelings about this girl. Don't wallow for too long though, and don't jump into another relationship until you no longer think about this girl. Perhaps date around casually, work on yourself, your self esteem, your confidence. You have to respect yourself before someone else will. Not the easy answer wrapped in a bow that perhaps you were hoping for, but that's what I think nonetheless. Hope it helps

thank you for this. I hate the fact that I wake up thinking of her and etc. Letting go is the hardest part.

[mkp515]

whats your opinion of her from my story? do you think she did me wrong doing what she did after our first breakup, because not a month before it was her and I hooking up. I feel that even though she didn't want to lead me on by seeing me anymore I still deserved to know she was keeping the company of someone else and hooking up. I hate having to think of her as a bad person because deep down I feel she isn't. even tho afterwards she regrets her relations with this person, I feel it shouldn't have began in the first place and she could have used better judgement. In the end I am more hung up on this, an event that happened after our first breakup than her starting a serious relationship with someone new now. Even though this hurts too. I still love her but i cant get over what she did and what is now happening.