Boyfriend of two years won't propose, why not?

[cbg123]

A little background on me: I'm 19 years old. I have a son who will be 2 in July. His father is not involved and I have full custody. I have been dating a man who is 24 years old since my son was about 6 weeks old--so around 2 years. About 3 months into our relationship, he took me to Kay Jewelers and had me look at engagement rings. 2 months after that, he got me a "promise ring". It has been over a year since receiving the promise ring and we have discussed engagement but he absolutely refuses to pop the question. 6 months ago, he promised me that he was going to ask me within the next 6 months but he hasn't. Now he keeps telling me "soon" but avoids discussing or looking at rings. He is constantly saying that he will go "when he has time" and putting it off. I'm at my wits end. After 2 years, I am ready to take the next step in our relationship. He says he is as well--but actions speak louder than words. We are both about to graduate. He is getting his Associate's in Nursing and I am getting my Bachelor's in ECE. He has a stable job. What is the hold up? I'm exhausted from all of the empty promises.

[searock]

How about you ask him?

Have you actually had a conversation about marriage? Does he want to get married?

[vashti]

Maybe he thinks you are both too young to get married. I am inclined to agree.

[cbg123]

I've asked him and he keeps saying he DOES want to and that he's going to go look at rings (insert random day within the next week here) and never goes.

[Wakeup]

A little background on me: I'm 19 years old. I have a son who will be 2 in July. His father is not involved and I have full custody. I have been dating a man who is 24 years old since my son was about 6 weeks old--so around 2 years. About 3 months into our relationship, he took me to Kay Jewelers and had me look at engagement rings. 2 months after that, he got me a "promise ring". It has been over a year since receiving the promise ring and we have discussed engagement but he absolutely refuses to pop the question. 6 months ago, he promised me that he was going to ask me within the next 6 months but he hasn't. Now he keeps telling me "soon" but avoids discussing or looking at rings. He is constantly saying that he will go "when he has time" and putting it off. I'm at my wits end. After 2 years, I am ready to take the next step in our relationship. He says he is as well--but actions speak louder than words. We are both about to graduate. He is getting his Associate's in Nursing and I am getting my Bachelor's in ECE. He has a stable job. What is the hold up? I'm exhausted from all of the empty promises.

What's YOUR hurry? Neither one of you have found placement in your chosen careers. You sound desperate. Why not just relax and get settled financially with two good jobs before you tie the knot?

You've done EVERYTHING in a hurry in your Young life which left you with a child at the age of 16/17 and a man that didn't want commitment from you or the responsibility of a child. Stop rushing yourself and quit pressuring this guy. Perhaps he's wanting to make 100% sure you're the one for him, which is smart of him.

[cbg123]

[QUOTE=Wakeup;979417]What's YOUR hurry? Neither one of you have found placement in your chosen careers. You sound desperate. Why not just relax and get settled financially with two good jobs before you tie the knot?

He has a job in a hospital already and has for 5 years. He has a position as a nurse lined up for when he graduates. I agree that we both need to be financially stable before we get married. What I don't understand is why he keeps bringing it up only to not follow through. Why bring it up and continuously make promises to do things and repeatedly fall through? As for your comment about the conception of my son, you shouldn't assume things. His father is a 28 year old illegal immigrant who took advantage of me starting when I was 12--hence why I have full custody and his father isn't around.

[Wakeup]

HE keeps bringing it up because you nag him about it (at least that's the impression you've given me) cbg. He "constantly" makes promises because he sees that it appeases you until you bring it up again the next time.

Are you saying your child's biological father raped you or kept you as his prisoner? Where were your parents when this "illegal immigrant" was taking advantage of you? Did you tell them what was going on?

If that's the case, if you were raped or abused or became afflicted with Stockholm Syndrome, have you gotten therapy to help you overcome that trauma? Perhaps, like I said, he is waiting to see if you're the right one for him (and is taking his time figuring out if you have overcome that trauma?)
If you can't wait for him to be ready to marry you, then perhaps he's not the right one for you and you'd be better off leaving him now so you can find someone who is more on the same page as you????

*Get YOUR career on the go and on your way to your independence. Do you work now?

[vashti]

As for your comment about the conception of my son, you shouldn't assume things. His father is a 28 year old illegal immigrant who took advantage of me starting when I was 12--hence why I have full custody and his father isn't around.

How does that negate anything Wakeup said?

[pcmaster]

Well if you are old enought to have a kid you are old enought to get married. Realise that guy is older and he does everything slower than you so he needs more time to preapare and decide. However setting a date and dont hold the word is not right. What kind of man does that. It makes me question if marriage is realy in his heart.
It looks like hes seeing you as a kid and think he can fool you thinking next week you will forget what he said.

[cbg123]

When I ask why he keeps bringing it up, I am referring to the fact that he brings it up first. When he doesn't act on it after he brings it up, I then ask him about it. I am not the one who initiates it. I met my son's father online when I was twelve, he was twenty one. He took advantage of me. I thought he loved me etc. (not realizing that this man is obviously a pedophile like I realize now). By the time I was old enough to have a better understanding of the situation, I was pregnant. It wasn't until around that time that I found out about other children he has been with, including relatives. My parents knew him casually and didn't think much of our "friendship". I have seen a counselor and have recovered as much as someone can from something like that. After hearing what Wakeup has to say I'm starting to think that maybe the problem is my own trust issues with men and fear of being misled or taken advantage of. I have no problem with waiting for this man to marry me, I do have a problem with being lied to, though. I came here to try to get an unbiased opinion on the situation--not with the question of whether I should stay or go. If I wanted to find someone else, I wouldn't even be considering marrying this man. I currently stay at home with my son while I complete my Bachelor's degree online. Ultimately plan on getting my Master's. I don't have a typical job, I model.

HE keeps bringing it up because you nag him about it (at least that's the impression you've given me) cbg. He "constantly" makes promises because he sees that it appeases you until you bring it up again the next time.

Are you saying your child's biological father raped you or kept you as his prisoner? Where were your parents when this "illegal immigrant" was taking advantage of you? Did you tell them what was going on?

If that's the case, if you were raped or abused or became afflicted with Stockholm Syndrome, have you gotten therapy to help you overcome that trauma? Perhaps, like I said, he is waiting to see if you're the right one for him (and is taking his time figuring out if you have overcome that trauma?)
If you can't wait for him to be ready to marry you, then perhaps he's not the right one for you and you'd be better off leaving him now so you can find someone who is more on the same page as you????

*Get YOUR career on the go and on your way to your independence. Do you work now?

[edith12342]

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[surfhb]

Well if you are old enought to have a kid you are old enought to get married. Realise that guy is older and he does everything slower than you so he needs more time to preapare and decide. However setting a date and dont hold the word is not right. What kind of man does that. It makes me question if marriage is realy in his heart.
It looks like hes seeing you as a kid and think he can fool you thinking next week you will forget what he said.

Huh? I take it you've never been married?

OP.....you are still a kid. A child who happens to being raising a child. Please don't take offense but BELIEVE ME, Getting married right now is not the best choice when you're still developing the person you are. Finish school, concentrate on your son right now, maybe the modeling may take off?

It should be a law....no one gets married till they're 30

[Wakeup]

When I ask why he keeps bringing it up, I am referring to the fact that he brings it up first. When he doesn't act on it after he brings it up, I then ask him about it. I am not the one who initiates it. I met my son's father online when I was twelve, he was twenty one. He took advantage of me. I thought he loved me etc. (not realizing that this man is obviously a pedophile like I realize now). By the time I was old enough to have a better understanding of the situation, I was pregnant. It wasn't until around that time that I found out about other children he has been with, including relatives. My parents knew him casually and didn't think much of our "friendship". I have seen a counselor and have recovered as much as someone can from something like that. After hearing what Wakeup has to say I'm starting to think that maybe the problem is my own trust issues with men and fear of being misled or taken advantage of. I have no problem with waiting for this man to marry me, I do have a problem with being lied to, though. I came here to try to get an unbiased opinion on the situation--not with the question of whether I should stay or go. If I wanted to find someone else, I wouldn't even be considering marrying this man. I currently stay at home with my son while I complete my Bachelor's degree online. Ultimately plan on getting my Master's. I don't have a typical job, I model.

Have you told him that when he brings it up and then doesn't follow through that it brings up your trust issues? Have you actually sat down with him and asked him why he keeps bringing it up only to NOT follow through? Have you told him that you don't want him to keep bringing it up until he, in his mind, is ready to actually get married? Have you told him everything you've told us about his behaviour? If you have done all this and he's still doing what you say then you need to revisit that conversation with him and make it so that he realizes that his conversations without action are causing you angst and make it clear to him so he understands to either "put up or shut up." (don't use those words ).

You're still very young and there is no hurry to tie the knot at this point. Don't set yourself up to be 100% dependent on ANYONE... that's setting yourself up for 1930's type of entrapment. Get yourself your degrees and settled in your career as soon as possible.

*I'm sorry that your parents didn't supervise your internet sessions as a child and this happened to you.* I DO hope your abuser has been imprisoned.

[cbg123]

Yes, I have told him all of this. I think I am just going to let it go for now and give it some time. Thank you all for your advice. I really appreciate it.

[Oddball]

I lived with the same woman for 22 years and we both had kids from previous relationships. Now all 4 kids are grown on their own and the ex and I parted ways. We never did marry and in hindsight I'm glad. Marriage comes with no money back guarantee and is typically very expensive to end. Take your ten or so years to decide if you really want to be married.