Relationship of 4.5 years ended, but I'm going to propose. Advice?

[TimeToGrowUp]

My girlfriend of 4.5 years broke up with me after we had a disagreement a little over a week ago. The last few months have been intense for her as she had been training for her first fitness competition, the working out and the dieting are pretty strict. I was warned that they get pretty high strung and loopy as they get closer to the competition. I knew better than to put any pressure on her, but given some tough times I had been having in my person life, I was starting to resent the fact that she wasn't spending any time with me. I tried my best not to bring anything up, but it was eating at me that she was always with her training group. I brought it up and it just did not come off well. She basically said she's always done me, it's always been about me, and though she was sorry that I was down and out, she was doing her for once. I tried to talk to her again the next day, but she just kept hiding behind text messaging and she finally put it bluntly - that she'd been unhappy for a while with how things weren't progressing and she didn't want to feel like that anymore.

Lord only knows her dedication to training for those competitions and always being with her training group had her feeling better than ever before. In some ways it started to provide this contrast between how she felt training and then how she felt with me. One thing I have to fess up to is that the past couple of years I've let myself get wrapped up in perceptions of the things that are wrong in my life to the point where I wasn't appreciating the one thing that was good. Ever seen the movie "Bruce Almighty" with Jim Carrey? His struggle in that movie hits home with me, as his character was so outwardly focused on his other failures instead of remembering he had the love of his life caring for him no matter what.

I was also getting cold feet and anxietal over "the next step" .....Constantly worried about getting my "house in order" with a career and finances. I always had stupid, stories I'd rationalize myself why I wasn't ready to take it there. I always kept this little bit of cushion between us. In some ways I also believe that the way my father is with my mother has a bit to do with all of this, as my household was not exactly the "I love you" househould with all love and affection all of the time. Growing up into my mid teens, I was the kind of guy who went to bed every night listening to Bobby Brown and thinking about a girl I had a crush on. Somewhere in my 20's I lost that and spent many years just doing the bar thing with friends, keeping everything casual. You start to do that a lot and you forget how to really "connect".

I am now 30. This girl was the most compassionate and understanding of challenges I was having over the years. Yet, I didn't reciprocate the kind of passion she needed. When she broke up with me, she basically said that she's given her all to this and doesn't have anymore to give. I can understand that. That for her, it's always been about me. I wish to God I didn't have to go thru this to learn this lesson, but I still love her. This last week has been real soul searching for me.

We haven't really spoken, which is so agonizingly hard because this is a person who I spoke to or hung out with every single day for 4.5 years. I have sent text messages to her as words of encouragement for her competitions and some others just reminiscing on what a great woman she is. It's tough because she trains out of the gym I work out at. Talk about walking into the belly of the beast. The other night I was walking out when all of the sudden she came out of her training room on the phone and we saw each other. I followed her outside and told her it's ok if she needed me to leave. She said it was just her step dad on the phone. I started to walk away, but I decided to not be the "victim" for once and march back over to her. We talked a little bit about her first competition last weekend, which hurts to know I didn't get to see. We talked about her one this weekend in LA. I gave her two big tight hugs, on the last one rubbed her shoulders and whispered in her ear I was so proud of her. Then I kissed her on the cheek and let her go back inside. Literally all the training group was watching from outside of their training room.

I have decided that this weekend I am going to go buy a ring. This girl is everything I've ever wanted. I have been asking over the years, where is my passion? What is my passion in life? I realize now that she is one and if I don't do this, I feel as though I'll always wonder. Why it takes her breaking it off with me is obviously not how it "should be", but it's what I have to deal with. I'm sure she had waited and waited and waited for even a mention of engagement. I feel as though just trying to talk through things is not enough at this point because talk is cheap to her after all this time. I haven't been a risk taker at all in life and I feel I need to do this in order to show that it's not talk anymore, it's serious for me.

4.5 years is a lot of time invested. To let it all go down the drain without a last stand would wear on my conscience for a long time. I can't image that in a little over a week she has erased me, but I'm sure there's resentment there. I have taken off the selfish and stubborn "victim" exterior in my life and am manning up to the fact that I was not being the man she deserves, but I want to be. I'm peeling back the layers and ridding myself of the behaviors that got me to this very moment.

Advice? Give it to me raw and uncensored.

[Heratriumphant]

Honestly, I think proposing to her right now would just be a show of selfishness. It's still all about what you want.

The question you should be asking is "what does she need?"

Shoving a ring in her face when she's just broken up with you puts a lot of pressure, stress and questioning in her life.

You need to talk to her about the relationship, your failings, both of your needs and a clear honest view of what you want for the future and then try to go from there.

The plan for the rest of someone life should NOT be a suprise. Grand romantic gesture that it is the out of the blue proposal isn't a very mature or realistic move.

[TimeToGrowUp]

Honestly, I think proposing to her right now would just be a show of selfishness. It's still all about what you want.

The question you should be asking is "what does she need?"

Shoving a ring in her face when she's just broken up with you puts a lot of pressure, stress and questioning in her life.

You need to talk to her about the relationship, your failings, both of your needs and a clear honest view of what you want for the future and then try to go from there.

The plan for the rest of someone life should NOT be a suprise. Grand romantic gesture that it is the out of the blue proposal isn't a very mature or realistic move.

I understand what you mean, there is obviously that large chance that's how it comes off.

I know what she needs. She needs affection. She needs passion. She needs full blown displays of it.

But there's a wall up right now, a very big one. Big enough to where she's keeping her distance from somebody who was in her daily life for 4.5 years. I never cheated on her. I never verbally abused her. I never physically abused her. My shortcomings are not permanent. They are layers that I am now peeling away in light of what is most important.

In presenting her a ring, I'd want her to know I mean every bit of what it represents. I'd reiterate that she is my passion, that her needs are my needs. In my mind showing up with a ring, going that far considering how the odds are stacked, would really present a strong case to give all of this some more thought. If she says no, then she says no. It's just the act, that I want her to see that I am willing to look the fool for the woman I love.

I mean this thing ended on such a whirlwind. Obviously she had some pent up feelings, but it was only 3 weeks ago she couldn't wait to go out to dinner with me after he competitions were over.....go on a trip for the two of us ..... and then all of the sudden as she got closer to the competition, it was like there was no talking to her and the BAM.

[shheadz]

Read these forums some more. There are more than a few stories from ladies wondering wtf their ex is thinking by proposing.

It will come across as being desperate and insincere. You think it's a grand gesture of love, but she's going to think it's more pressure. If she's still in the middle of training for a big competition, then it's all the more worse. She really doesn't need more pressure right now.

You really can't make up for years of neglect with one big gesture.

[pisces7378]

I understand what you mean, there is obviously that large chance that's how it comes off.

I know what she needs. She needs affection. She needs passion. She needs full blown displays of it.

But there's a wall up right now, a very big one. Big enough to where she's keeping her distance from somebody who was in her daily life for 4.5 years. I never cheated on her. I never verbally abused her. I never physically abused her. My shortcomings are not permanent. They are layers that I am now peeling away in light of what is most important.

In presenting her a ring, I'd want her to know I mean every bit of what it represents. I'd reiterate that she is my passion, that her needs are my needs. In my mind showing up with a ring, going that far considering how the odds are stacked, would really present a strong case to give all of this some more thought. If she says no, then she says no. It's just the act, that I want her to see that I am willing to look the fool for the woman I love.

I mean this thing ended on such a whirlwind. Obviously she had some pent up feelings, but it was only 3 weeks ago she couldn't wait to go out to dinner with me after he competitions were over.....go on a trip for the two of us ..... and then all of the sudden as she got closer to the competition, it was like there was no talking to her and the BAM.

Wow dude... I don't think you know what she needs. I think you know what you WANT.

She needs affection? She needs passion? Sounds to me like she needs time to finish whatever weird athletic competition she is involved in. And then she needs to come back down to her life knowing that you are working on yourself, and becoming the most solid guy in the zip code.

You guys broke up, and you down play the reason for the break up by basically blaming it all on her and her "loopy" dieting and stuff. And now that YOU are scared of losing her, you want to pull some alpha-male melodramatic marriage proposal straight from Hollywood.

I'd say negatron my friend. Shut that shit down. Breathe. Regroup. Leave her alone. Completely alone. She'll come back around. And while she's gone, learn to be a better you.

[bluesummer]

As a woman, if a man came back to me after we'd just broken up and asked me to marry him, I'd think he'd lost his mind and it was an act of desperation.

Isn't it though? You've lost her and can't figure out a way to get her back quickly, so you're using this tactic to try and shock her back into your life? I say keep working on yourself, work on it slowly. Maybe you'll get her back and if you do, propose then; but definitely not before this, it will blow up in your face.

She doesn't need to know you're committed....you've been with her 4.5 years. What she needs to know is that you support her in whatever she does, want her to accomplish things that are important to HER, and show her affection.

[pisces7378]

As a woman, if a man came back to me after we'd just broken up and asked me to marry him, I'd think he'd lost his mind and it was an act of desperation.

Isn't it though? You've lost her and can't figure out a way to get her back quickly, so you're using this tactic to try and shock her back into your life? I say keep working on yourself, work on it slowly. Maybe you'll get her back and if you do, propose then; but definitely not before this, it will blow up in your face.

She doesn't need to know you're committed....you've been with her 4.5 years. What she needs to know is that you support her in whatever she does, want her to accomplish things that are important to HER, and show her affection.

Listen to her man... She's right on target.

[shheadz]

Obviously she had some pent up feelings, but it was only 3 weeks ago she couldn't wait to go out to dinner with me after he competitions were over.....go on a trip for the two of us

I'm sure some of the ladies here can correct me if I'm wrong.. but.. I think women give their men many, many second chances, and the men don't even know it. The men don't even know they're being tested, and reevaluated.

A few times now I've been in a situation where my girl and I were as lovey-dovey as could be one week, and then broken up the next. Not just broken up, but dropped to the curb like she never cared about me. I suspect she was giving me another chance to prove "something" to her, but I failed. Or maybe in her heart she wanted it to work, so she tried, but in the end she just couldn't pretend it was going to work out.

I'm only saying this because you shouldn't necessarily take your happiness from 3 weeks ago as a sign that she still wants to be with you. Maybe she was already over you for a long time, but she tried to give things a second chance. Maybe she's stressed right now, and it was easier for her to go with the flow, and pretend nothing was wrong. It could be any number of things, but I strongly suggest you drop this idea of proposing to her. It's only going to make things worse.

[TimeToGrowUp]

Wow dude... I don't think you know what she needs. I think you know what you WANT.

She needs affection? She needs passion? Sounds to me like she needs time to finish whatever weird athletic competition she is involved in. And then she needs to come back down to her life knowing that you are working on yourself, and becoming the most solid guy in the zip code.

You guys broke up, and you down play the reason for the break up by basically blaming it all on her and her "loopy" dieting and stuff. And now that YOU are scared of losing her, you want to pull some alpha-male melodramatic marriage proposal straight from Hollywood.

I'd say negatron my friend. Shut that shit down. Breathe. Regroup. Leave her alone. Completely alone. She'll come back around. And while she's gone, learn to be a better you.

Look, I've been with the girl for 4.5 years. Obviously I'm going to know what it is that was eating at her, of which I wasn't providing. I'm not blaming this entire thing on her sudden devotion to competitive fitness training. Not at all. It's pretty clear this has built up. I was just remarking how odd it all went down. There's no denying though that she was using that training to further distance herself from me, instead of confronting me. That's the part that hurts to me. Maybe I'm just an entirely different cat. I don't treat the situation like a candy wrapper, just toss it to the side. There was a time in our relationship when she wasn't so "right" mentally, down on herself, overweight and all that jazz. I saw her thru it. Almost 5 years is a lot of time to invest. I guess I'm just the kind of person who wants to make sure after all that time that every avenue was explored before I just flat out quit.

I'm not saying real life is Hollywood. That's the first thought that came to my mind when I was thinking about the ring ....... I knew that's how it could be perceived. Not surprised though. 9 times out of 10 most people would give up.

[TimeToGrowUp]

As a woman, if a man came back to me after we'd just broken up and asked me to marry him, I'd think he'd lost his mind and it was an act of desperation.

Isn't it though? You've lost her and can't figure out a way to get her back quickly, so you're using this tactic to try and shock her back into your life? I say keep working on yourself, work on it slowly. Maybe you'll get her back and if you do, propose then; but definitely not before this, it will blow up in your face.

She doesn't need to know you're committed....you've been with her 4.5 years. What she needs to know is that you support her in whatever she does, want her to accomplish things that are important to HER, and show her affection.

I appreciate the response. You're just speaking your mind.

I just find it funny how that all works and I'm not so sure in which what context you're replying to it. You think after 5 years this would be purely an act of "desperation"? That's where I disagree. I'm not about to go buy a ring and take it to that level because I'm desperate only. There's not denying I feel trapped....... but there's obviously much more to it than that, of which you are not giving me credit for..........but I could understand why you might think that. It's like it's fantasmic when it happens when the woman wants it, but if the man is just trying to battle his own little "head muck" and it happens later than expected - it's desperate.

I know I'm just arguing my side. I just think it's funny when the going gets tough at the point, that the easiest thing to do is to cut losses. Who knows, maybe after getting beaten down by a few more replies in this thread, I'll think twice before risking doing something perceived so foolish.

[shheadz]

Hrm.. I don't think anyone here is telling you to cut your loses, and go home. You keep saying that, as if no one is taking your situation seriously, and they're giving canned "It's over dude" responses. Lets look back over some of the responses:

I'd say negatron my friend. Shut that shit down. Breathe. Regroup. Leave her alone. Completely alone. She'll come back around. And while she's gone, learn to be a better you.

What she needs to know is that you support her in whatever she does, want her to accomplish things that are important to HER, and show her affection.

You need to talk to her about the relationship, your failings, both of your needs and a clear honest view of what you want for the future and then try to go from there.

That's just a few of them. The responses have overall been positive that you two can get back together. All anyone is saying is.. you're going about getting back together with her the wrong way. And if half a dozen different people telling you that doesn't convince you, then why did you ask in the first place? You've clearly made up your mind.

[TimeToGrowUp]

Hrm.. I don't think anyone here is telling you to cut your loses, and go home. You keep saying that, as if no one is taking your situation seriously, and they're giving canned "It's over dude" responses. Lets look back over some of the responses:

That's just a few of them. The responses have overall been positive that you two can get back together. All anyone is saying is.. you're going about getting back together with her the wrong way. And if half a dozen different people telling you that doesn't convince you, then why did you ask in the first place? You've clearly made up your mind.

I'm sorry.

My head is just all mush from this. It's late. She's on my mind. I obviously came here because I wanted the opinions, regardless of whether they supported the idea or not.

[pisces7378]

Dude you have NO IDEA how much I can identify with your frantic thought process. I will spare you my long and melodramatic story. It suffices to say that you and I are in almost identical circumstances, only I am now 9 months down the road from where you are now.

I will say, that the day before my girlfriend and I broke up, I bought plane tickets to Europe for a month to try to "save out relationship".

I just want to point out a few things from your above post to me. Please pay close attention. Lower your guard, because I know you don't want to hear any of this. You'd prefer we all just say, "Go for it my friend! She'll love it." But having the strength to see reality is where the rubber meets the road for a real man.

Look, I've been with the girl for 4.5 years. Obviously I'm going to know what it is that was eating at her...

My father has been with my mother for 40 years. Do you think that old bastard has one single clue about what is really going on in her heart? Men can be the most glib, arrogant, thoughtless, and blind creatures on the planet. 4.5 years doesn't impress me ONE SINGLE BIT. 85 years wouldn't impress me. Time doesn't matter anything. In fact, the more time you've spent together, the more time you've had to turn yourself into the victim, which I imagine you have done quite well.

There's no denying though that she was using that training to further distance herself from me, instead of confronting me.

See... here, it's all about you. You think that all of this is about you. It could be anything. You don't understand your woman, because you can't, and you never will. You shouldn't even try. People do what they do for so many reasons, that most don't even know themselves why they do what they do. I started learning how to play the guitar when I was 10 years old. Why did I do that? I have no idea. I just did. I began drawing pictures and learning art. Why? Who knows?
When I lost my girlfriend, I started walking, jogging and going on a diet. Why did I do that? A million reasons. I was scared. I thought I'd need to get in shape to attract a new partner. I was depressed and wanted some endorphins. I needed to get out of the house, because the walls felt like they were closing in. I needed to prove to myself that I am still young and able to do some things strictly for myself.

But if my ex-girlfriend has seen me walking and exercising, she might have thought, "Look at him. I left him, and now he's trying to get me back by getting in shape." And there may even be some (or even a lot) of truth in that, but only an arrogant asshole sits back, judges and think he/she understands the motivations of anyone about anything. Most of us don't even understand out OWN motivations, yet we think we are all experts on the motivations of others.

There was a time in our relationship when she wasn't so "right" mentally, down on herself, overweight and all that jazz. I saw her thru it. Almost 5 years is a lot of time to invest. I guess I'm just the kind of person who wants to make sure after all that time that every avenue was explored before I just flat out quit.

Your woman was overweight, and full of anxiety, maybe some depression, and you think that you "saw her thru it". I'm sorry my friend, you have a total victim complex. You go on to expound on how "5 years is a lot of time to invest"... poor baby. Then you grand stand about "the kind of person" you are, and how you just won't give up until you've done all you can.

Do yourself a favor. If you are serious, even to a slight degree, about getting your girlfriend back... go to a book store and IMMEDIATELY read, "No More Mr. Nice Guy" by Dr. Robert Glover.

You are a total "Nice Guy". Go read about it. It will change your life. The book is maybe 150 easy to read pages. You could finish it in one sitting if you just plow through it. If you read the first chapter of that book, and it doesn't speak directly to your heart, then I will refund you the cost of the book myself.

[TimeToGrowUp]

My father has been with my mother for 40 years. Do you think that old bastard has one single clue about what is really going on in her heart? Men can be the most glib, arrogant, thoughtless, and blind creatures on the planet. 4.5 years doesn't impress me ONE SINGLE BIT. 85 years wouldn't impress me. Time doesn't matter anything. In fact, the more time you've spent together, the more time you've had to turn yourself into the victim, which I imagine you have done quite well.

Time is relative to the person who invested it. I respect your opinion, but 4.5 years is serious, especially when she, her mother, and other people around us started asking "ok what's the next step for you guys?" My parents are high school sweethearts, except over the course of the last 20 years or so, my father's turned into this disconnected, unhappy man. There's zero romance between the two of them. I can tell what that has done to my mom over the years, because all she wants is some genuine affection from him. This in itself bears significance in my mind because I started seeing my father in myself. Just coasting on the relationship, only concentrating on whatever it is that's bothering him and it has scared the crap out of me.

For the longest time I was running around stubbornly thinking what I was doing was fine and I had my "reasons" for the pace at which I handled everything........which I've detailed previous, all of which are just examples of a man who was just scared to get really serious.

See... here, it's all about you. You think that all of this is about you. It could be anything. You don't understand your woman, because you can't, and you never will. You shouldn't even try. People do what they do for so many reasons, that most don't even know themselves why they do what they do. I started learning how to play the guitar when I was 10 years old. Why did I do that? I have no idea. I just did. I began drawing pictures and learning art. Why? Who knows?
When I lost my girlfriend, I started walking, jogging and going on a diet. Why did I do that? A million reasons. I was scared. I thought I'd need to get in shape to attract a new partner. I was depressed and wanted some endorphins. I needed to get out of the house, because the walls felt like they were closing in. I needed to prove to myself that I am still young and able to do some things strictly for myself.

But if my ex-girlfriend has seen me walking and exercising, she might have thought, "Look at him. I left him, and now he's trying to get me back by getting in shape." And there may even be some (or even a lot) of truth in that, but only an arrogant asshole sits back, judges and think he/she understands the motivations of anyone about anything. Most of us don't even understand out OWN motivations, yet we think we are all experts on the motivations of others.

I can understand what you mean by trying to understand peoples' motivations, I mean I can be the most indecisive person sometimes. But this was a situation where initially she set out to get back in shape. It's really not that murky in being able to see as she got deeper into it, she got to feeling better about herself. She was always with her training group, even when they weren't working out. Suddenly this became her career aspiration. As we started seeing less of each other because of this commitment to her training, it's only natural it started driving a wedge. She obviously was collecting her thoughts and unfortunately for me those thoughts were not happy ones.

Your woman was overweight, and full of anxiety, maybe some depression, and you think that you "saw her thru it". I'm sorry my friend, you have a total victim complex. You go on to expound on how "5 years is a lot of time to invest"... poor baby. Then you grand stand about "the kind of person" you are, and how you just won't give up until you've done all you can.

Does sound kind of ironic. I'm not grandstanding in a way that I'm proclaiming myself the All-American boyfriend because I clearly dismissed that idea from the get-go in this thread. I want to re-iterate that I am not the victim. That is the biggest thing that came out of this. I peeled back that layer because I got sick of that stubborn mindset. She did everything I could've asked. I'm taking full responsibility.

Do yourself a favor. If you are serious, even to a slight degree, about getting your girlfriend back... go to a book store and IMMEDIATELY read, "No More Mr. Nice Guy" by Dr. Robert Glover.

You are a total "Nice Guy". Go read about it. It will change your life. The book is maybe 150 easy to read pages. You could finish it in one sitting if you just plow through it. If you read the first chapter of that book, and it doesn't speak directly to your heart, then I will refund you the cost of the book myself.

It's funny you mention the "Nice Guy" thing. I was a nice guy all throughout my teenage years. That started to really wear on me and between my early and mid twenties things changed. My whole mindset was completely different, was no longer the guy wearing his heart on his sleeve. I was more in control, more casual, and not willing to let everyone in all at once. In retrospect, I believe that that carried on into my relationship and there was a point where the guard needed to come down.

[IndiReloaded]

BlueSum nailed it. A wedding ring isn't going to make your problems go away.