Is she just ambitious with a business or looking for a sugar daddy...

[MeanMrMustard]

Hey everyone. I have a question about a girl I have been seeing for the past 4 weeks or so and I'm very confused as to how I should take a situation that happened. She was upset I wasn't enthusiastic enough with the idea of us starting a business in the future while she is.

Some background, I'm a 30 y/o doctor about to finish residency, applying for jobs in a field I'd likely get 250-350 K/ yr and she is 4 years younger than me, just finished nursing school and works as an LPN, about to be registered nurse soon. She is also apparently involved in real estate with her mom too which I don't know much about, but she had said she makes "enough" money to support herself and a family if she needs to (she lives with her mom still though). I am getting jobs in my home state about 11 hours away and would start work likely in 3 months, I'm currently applying/interviewing for jobs.

We met online. I had felt our relationship was going great. I had never felt such a strong a connection to someone or had one move so fast. We were kissing within an hour of meeting and spending the night together after a couple more meetings, etc. She seemed so infatuated with me and I was falling for her quickly too. Our dating has also been pretty low key. Most girls would suggest nicer (and a lot pricier) restaurants, plays etc. With her I pay for all our dates, but I've only spent maybe 160 bucks on about 4 dates/outings between the both of us (really absolutely a very little money to me). She doesn't dress fancy or drive an exceptionally nice car, doesn't live in a nice area. She hasn't asked me to buy her anything, knows I don't wear anything pricey, knows I live in a TERRIBLE apartment. I've been trying to take her to nicer places to be honest that I want to go also.

But this week, she was weird. We were having a small argument about her avoiding me for a couple days and she was concerned about my true feeling. After talking for awhile and expressing sincere feeling towards her, she asksed if we could meet later that night and when I first met her, she asked me about an idea she had of us buying a nursing home in the future with me investing in it and being the medical director and she running things (NOT NOW BUT 5/10 YEARS IN THE FUTURE SHOULD WE GET MARRIED AND ALL, SHE KNOWS I HAVE ALMOST NO MONEY NOW), it was hypothetical. It was my first time hearing it and I had never thought of it and just thought she was making conversation so I said "I had never really thought about that but now I can barely pay my rent, let alone think of buying a business" and she was very upset. This is apparently her dream and she thought I was just shooting it down. So she was saying we should stop seeing each other, that she needs to be with someone with bigger ambitions and dreams, etc... Well we talked for an hour and she seemed a little less upset when I explained that I felt blindsided by this but still.

On the one hand, it's not a bad idea. I don't know how I would invest my inevitable extra earnings money. That and she was not saying she wants me to get her a fancy car or clothes or some stuff like that. But it would still be a big decision on what to do with my future income (remind you, I don't even have a job yet and 240k in loans, and taking the boards, and working). The few talks about money we have had in the past was she asking if she could possibly stay home with the kids when they are first born for awhile, which I think is a great idea (i secretly kind of want a house wife in general). A second thing was before we met on her online profile, she had on her "match characteristic" an "income >150 K" so my initial email was basically me asking her why that is the case (in an intentionally condescending way too, not planning to meet her then) and she had said because she makes a good amount of money herself and wants a mate who also does.

So my question is should I take this as she is just forward thinking and being practical about the future (she does plan WAY to much in general) or her just looking at me as one to fund her dream. I'm not an idiot and I know ability to support a family is something everyone looks for in a serious mate and I know I could provide, but I don't want to be used either. I do think if we continue, I'd be asking her to move with me away from her home state/city and family and that's only a couple a months away (hence the reason she asks me all these deeper long relationship questions).

FYI: Her getting overly upset over such a benign and in my opinion reasonable comment is a whole other issue that's annoying but I could get past. But what do you think about the money/being used question and what should I do? She has been overly sensitive in the past too about other things we talked about.

[woody]

Dear OP,
Cheese and Rice Man, you've only known this lady for 4 weeks and your already keeping tabs on what you've spent? Gee, sounds like money and income levels are more important to you than how the heart feels.
Way too much talk about money here. For both sides. TAlk about jumping the gun.

I.m.o, who gives a flying F__ about how much money one makes. TACKY. You want to be part of a power house couple? WEll then, get your priorities straight. Indubitably and of course at some point, the ability to 'help' support the ones we love plays a part but you two are just starting out. Screw the bank accounts and future earnings; talk about a serious warp in romance. Hey, She shared some dreams with you (her future clinic) but they could be just that, dreams. She wanted your input, not your chequebook. (and if you got the vibe she did want your chequebook, well, you reap what you sew.

If your already putting out the 'I don't want to be used' vibe and keeping track of how much you've spent on dates; well, major red flag for both of you. She wouldn't want to be with someone who even thinks that way and you wouldn't want to be with one who makes you feel that way.

Love, is not about money.
and your placing income levels way too high on your totem pole (imo)

My advice, if it doesn't work out with this lady, next time, KEEP YOUR INCOME LEVEL TO YOURSELF. It's tacky to share this information anyway; and by keeping it to yourself, you'll find out for sure if the hearts involved are genuine.

It is not the amount of cash you make that earns respect; it is the quality of your character.
good on you for becoming a G.P soon enough. But with that comes responsibility and your level of compassion will be what makes or breaks.
Wanna make sure your not getting used? Then stop flaunting the dosh.
Good Grief

[MeanMrMustard]

Dear OP,
Cheese and Rice Man, you've only known this lady for 4 weeks and your already keeping tabs on what you've spent? Gee, sounds like money and income levels are more important to you than how the heart feels.
Way too much talk about money here. For both sides. TAlk about jumping the gun.

I.m.o, who gives a flying F__ about how much money one makes. TACKY. You want to be part of a power house couple? WEll then, get your priorities straight. Indubitably and of course at some point, the ability to 'help' support the ones we love plays a part but you two are just starting out. Screw the bank accounts and future earnings; talk about a serious warp in romance. Hey, She shared some dreams with you (her future clinic) but they could be just that, dreams. She wanted your input, not your chequebook. (and if you got the vibe she did want your chequebook, well, you reap what you sew.

If your already putting out the 'I don't want to be used' vibe and keeping track of how much you've spent on dates; well, major red flag for both of you. She wouldn't want to be with someone who even thinks that way and you wouldn't want to be with one who makes you feel that way.

Love, is not about money.
and your placing income levels way too high on your totem pole (imo)

My advice, if it doesn't work out with this lady, next time, KEEP YOUR INCOME LEVEL TO YOURSELF. It's tacky to share this information anyway; and by keeping it to yourself, you'll find out for sure if the hearts involved are genuine.

It is not the amount of cash you make that earns respect; it is the quality of your character.
good on you for becoming a G.P soon enough. But with that comes responsibility and your level of compassion will be what makes or breaks.
Wanna make sure your not getting used? Then stop flaunting the dosh.
Good Grief

Thanks for the replay, but I'm not keeping track of how much I spent on dates, (I really had to think back about where we've been to come up with that estimate in the first place). The only reason I brought that up here is because that is what my question is about, her bringing up early and discussing a business and money so I thought it was relavant. She's the one who usually brings that stuff up! I never wanted to talk to her about that money just yet as we are very early. I never thought much about the other conversations till this one and how upset she got. I don't flaunt it, I did say I'm a doctor though if you count that as flaunting but that's it.

And again, the question is focused on this area. We also talked a lot about interest, ultimate relationship goals (like raising a family, etc.), movies, music, pop culture, family, etc. But my question is not about those areas so that's why i thought about everything I felt might be.

[chinagirl]

Geez... You've only been dating for four weeks and all you talk about is money??? And for her to set her expectations ( or business proposal as you call it) on you to support her with her future plans is way to FORWARD for two people who'd only known each other for a short period of time. How about trying to get to know each other well first and see if your relationship can survive for a few months???

[woody]

Your welcome for the replay Doc. Claiming you thought not of it yet 'money' seemed to play a significant role in your original post. Excuse my ignorance really.
No I do not count mentioning the fact your a doc in training as 'flaunting'. Yet you seem to be rather concerned with potentially being used. I simply offer advice regarding ways to avoid these type of doubts.
Again, you could try keeping it to yourself for awhile rather than using that fact as a foundation. Quality women are most interested in your personality and many would find it a turn OFF if you think their interested in such 'stuff' so early on.

I did not mean to offend as it so obviously seems I have BUT your o.p truly does come through as one more focused on the quantity rather than the quality. If I misread, again, silly me.
Give these relationships time, face to face, not online and for goodness sake, keep the bank statements out of it. No one cares.

[MeanMrMustard]

Your welcome for the replay Doc. Claiming you thought not of it yet 'money' seemed to play a significant role in your original post. Excuse my ignorance really.
No I do not count mentioning the fact your a doc in training as 'flaunting'. Yet you seem to be rather concerned with potentially being used. I simply offer advice regarding ways to avoid these type of doubts.
Again, you could try keeping it to yourself for awhile rather than using that fact as a foundation. Quality women are most interested in your personality and many would find it a turn OFF if you think their interested in such 'stuff' so early on.

I did not mean to offend as it so obviously seems I have BUT your o.p truly does come through as one more focused on the quantity rather than the quality. If I misread, again, silly me.
Give these relationships time, face to face, not online and for goodness sake, keep the bank statements out of it. No one cares.

Thanks and I really wasnt offended. Didnt mean to say "replay" instead of reply. My OP is focused on money because that's what I have a question about. If I were to go on about the whole relationship, then that would be much much larger, longer, and confusing discussion. I guess I should frame it in terms of how money and her reaction to my comment should be interpreted assuming most everything else in the relationship was going great (which it had been except the whole ignoring me a couple days).

[surfhb2]

Your concern is totally legit and for her to act out the way she did is unacceptable.

On the otherhand, there are tons of reg flag here....on both ends.

1. Why are you arguing about her avoiding you for 2 WHOLE DAYS!! WOW!

2. Why are you discussing ( in any form) what life will be like if married?!

3. Any woman who demands a certain level of income on an online profile always got the boot from me....just my opinion though.


You're in an interesting spot in life because you do have a high income potential...girls (and guys) know this and light bulbs go off. With that, you really need to be careful in the dating scene my friend.

Id slow your roll on this girl quite a bit or break it off all together because I think its bullshit shes bringing this all into play at this point.


OFF TOPIC:

Do yourself an favor and live as frugally as possible once you start making that kind of money! Pay off that $250K (yes...a quarter million dollars) before you do anything stupid like get a wife, a mortgage and a kid. Capice??!!

LIVE BELOW YOUR MEANS and you should have a good $7-10 million in the bank by the time your my age (45) Good work and make the world better!

[surfhb]

Also. Why are you even considering moving with a girl youve know 4 weeks? You need to seriously pull your head out of your ass and get established before you bite off more then you can chew bro

[michelle23]

When I first met my partner, we never discussed things like this. We mentioned to each other that we both want marriage and kids at some point in the distant future.. that was it. It wasnt until 3 years later we discussed bigger things like going into business together coz were both ambitious and neither of us like workimg for some other asshole making them rich when we could do it ourselves and do a better job..

Your moving too fast here and I see a lot of red flags. I would be running a mile from her. The next time you date a girl-dont talk about your income-not until you trust her and dont wine and dine her too much in the beginning. Keep it low key. Protect yourself

[MeanMrMustard]

Thanks for the replies. We met last night for dinner she was not upset we talked calmly. She explained she felt that asking these types of questions is getting to know each other as a future mate and I said it's too early for any meaningful answer beyond speculation. She actually asked a couple more along those lines. She stated she wants someone who could answer such questions so we broke it off.

[chinagirl]

Good for you!!! Congratulations, you just got rid of a gold digger!

[woody]

Mr. Mustard
All good. Well, alright then. So, you found out more, saw the red flags and protected yourself.
Yes, your o.p was confusing pertaining to the whole 'income level' thing.
Yup, watch out for ladies who seem more interested in what you make or what you do over who you are and how you make them feel and of course, how they make you feel.

I'll say it again though. Next time, sure, tell them your becoming a Doctor (this is something to be very proud of) (congrats btw) but also, tell them your more than broke and it will take YEARS and years to pay off your student loans (which wouldn't be far from the truth anyway). Leave out your future potential earning capabilities. It is none of their business; none.
You must guard yourself.
Any woman of fine character would live in a cave with her beloved man; would work hard to share the responsibility of a solid and meaningful future and would have no qualms 'roughing' it for awhile.
If having her nails done and wearing fine clothes is more important than making sure her man is happy, well then, move on. And don't allow yourself to get jaded by any 'diggers' in the meantime.
Be a good Doctor.
good luck to you.

[Potion9]

Good advice from woody in this thread.
Its for the best you broke it off imo.
Way too much talk about income and money and marriage and biz proposal. etc