Miserable. I keep friendzoning MYSELF and don't know why. Please help me!

[EvilFlapjacks]

Hi,

Hope you'll bear with me - this post will be long and I'm so grateful to anyone who reads it. I just can't live with myself and my behavior any more.

I'm a 30 year old guy from NYC. Intelligent and talented - I speak 3 languages fluently, have a good career, hobbies etc. As for looks, I've always been overweight (264lbs of fat) but I'm tall and carry it well. I'm blessed with good genetics, I've been told many times I'm "beautiful", I "move like a model" and if I got in shape I could have the kind of looks and body women would "kill to get with".

My relationship history:

Girl A - Dated 2 years. She's 2 years older than me. She said I was funny, confident, caring and sexy. Our first night together we were in bed and she had to order me to "move closer and touch me" because I literally could not take any action. I for some reason needed a clearer signal or green light that she wanted me, even though we were sleeping in the same bed! 6 months into the relationship I hacked into her emails (!) She emailed her best friend saying she wanted to leave me because I wasn't man enough. I cried and begged her and told her I'd change. A year into the relationship we were in bed together, she clearly wanted something to happen, I wouldn't touch her and she snapped, saying "Damn it just touch me already what's wrong with you, you can't even touch your own girlfriend". We broke up not long after.

Girl A's verdict on me: "I'm more like your mother than your girlfriend and I can't do it any more. You just want to be mothered - I need a man to look after me, I don't want to look after you"

Girl B - went on 3 dates. On the 3rd date she was at my place alone, dressed up, we made small talk and then she got really frustrated and said "I am sick of dropping hints for you to kiss me, if you won't then I'm leaving and not coming back". I did kiss her, and things got very passionate and fun, and then I stopped halfway through and asked her to leave because - I don't know why I did. Never saw her again.

Girl B's verdict: "Why are you so damn weird?"

Girl C - Met and fell in love online, "dated" online for a year and then decided to move in together. First 8-10 months were amazing. I had her literally shivering with desire when I had the confidence to do so. Then she was acting weird and finally admitted she didn't like kissing me because I was weak and did it with no confidence. She had to take the initiative in every aspect of our lives. In bed I would lose my inhibitions at first and she'd say it's the "best she'd ever had, oh my god" and then I'd stop halfway through!!! And she'd literally cry with frustration asking me why I stopped - my reply was "I know you're not enjoying this and I'm no good" (!!!!) This happened many times.

She eventually cheated on me saying she didn't feel desirable any more and just wanted a guy to like her. We made up and lasted 5 years before breaking up. She repeatedly told me "I miss the old you, that's all I want back, I don't want anyone else, I just want you to grab me and throw me against a wall and kiss me like you used to".

Girl C's verdict: "I've never met a man who acts so much like a woman"

Girl D - She broke up with me 2 weeks ago - although we weren't even tecnically together. Been seeing each other on dates for about a year. She dropped hints nearly every day that she had strong feelings for me and wanted more. She would describe herself to mutual friends as my girlfriend and that I was her "man". She sent me a text saying she wants to find out what I'm like in bed.

I never once held her hand or kissed her despite madly wanting to every single time I saw her - I just could not do it. Why? I don't know - I think I was scared of how she'd react. She broke up with me saying that she wants to keep hanging out with me alone, but strictly as friends - that right now she only wants to be friends and it's what she needs. I asked if we could have a relationship in the future, she said she has no idea. She won't rule it out but right now she "just want to keep hanging out with you as friends, this is hard for me because I do have feelings but I just want to be friends at this point".

Girl D's verdict: "I am more of your counsellor than anything else and I can't keep being that. We just argue and it's no fun any more. I do have feelings for you but just can't do this any more. You need to fix your baggage and insecurities for yourself and not for me".

Every relationship I have follows the same pattern.

To the outside world, I seem like an incredible guy. Caring, understanding, funny, kind, sexy, confident, in control. I attract a girl who basically throws herself at me and offers up hints. Girl C said she'd do "ANYTHING" I ever wanted.

When I have something to lose I perceive the girl as being higher value than me. I doubt myself, stop flirting and they don't feel desirable. Then I get jealous and start imagining things and being paranoid.

I am too cowardly to ever make a first move. WHY? I wish I could figure this part out. I doubt myself more and more, all my insecurities spill out and it's all we ever talk about - the fun and flirting stops. And they become my mother or life coach.

I know this was a very long post and I'm sorry. Do you guys have any insight into what the hell is wrong with me and how I can start fixing it... PLEASE! And do you think I still have any chance with Girl D?

Thanks for reading.

EDIT: I'm definitely not gay in any way - take my word for it. That would be a perfect explanation but it's not the right one.

[Mooch]

Would you consider spending money and going to self-esteem/confidence/communication classes. Also how about hiring a female escort or hooker to TEACH you how to touch girls or better yet a DOMEMATRIX.

Google loads of articles, buy sex books from AMAZO,watch porn... to TRY and get some tips.

Perhaps try counselling to get to the root of your problems.

[CrasherRob8]

The common theme I see in all of your posts is that you are afraid of doing things for what she might say. That boils down to confidence.

In those moments, is your heart telling you to do one thing and your mind telling you not to? If so, screw your brain and just do what your heart wants. If she didn't like it she will let you know. However I almost guarantee she will like it since she will have been with you in the first place.

[EvilFlapjacks]

Hey, thanks for your reply. Yeah I think that's pretty much it. No self-belief. In fact Girl A once said to me "Just do stuff - if I don't like it you'll know about it pretty quick". The girl who just broke up with me told me, "I am with you because I want to be - if I wasn't, I would get myself out of it".

[smackie9]

Dude you need to have a good group of bros to hang out with to get your testosterone up. Next don't put women up on a pedistal, have some ego, and think more highly of yourself. The reason why you crash and burn is you become co-dependant and that's an anchor that will sink any relationship. *This is what I see.

[Wakeup]

Evilflapjacks? lolzzz

[EvilFlapjacks]

Dude you need to have a good group of bros to hang out with to get your testosterone up. Next don't put women up on a pedistal, have some ego, and think more highly of yourself. The reason why you crash and burn is you become co-dependant and that's an anchor that will sink any relationship. *This is what I see.

Thanks for replying man. Yeah this is exactly it too... Once we get involved I get scared of her leaving me and I become needy, jealous and lose myself.

How can I avoid that?

And do you think I have any chance of winning back the girl I was just with, once I fix my shit?

[lalalita]

First off, reading your post was a very pleasant experience. Bravo at your writing style. Now if we could only translate that confidence in your romantic life, we'd be square. ;]

I'm curious when these self confidence issues started. I feel like this was an issue even before you started dating. What was your family life like?

[smackie9]

Everyone gets those feelings when they start falling in love, it's just knowing how to handle it without losing yourself. A lot of it has to do with your own personal life. Some go into a relationship to fill a void, which will turn things toxic, but you say you have hobbies, etc. so your life seem fulfilling.

I guess it would be like over eating, know when to push yourself away from the table, even tho you have the urge to keep eating. You need to retrain your brain. First is to acknowledge those feels and when they happen. It's just a matter of taking yourself out of that situation, or "trigger", take deep breaths and count to ten, focusing on your breathing. Repeat. Start making that a habit. Then go find something to do, it can be a phone call to your mom, some paperwork, pay some bills, ask a friend for coffee. Then go over things you are thankful for, positive thoughts to fill your heart. That right there should get rid of your negativity, thoughts of loss, dispair, anxiety, etc.

- - - Updated - - -

Evilflapjacks? lolzzz

Hmmm any relation to Badwaffle?

- - - Updated - - -

First off, reading your post was a very pleasant experience. Bravo at your writing style. Now if we could only translate that confidence in your romantic life, we'd be square. ;]

I'm curious when these self confidence issues started. I feel like this was an issue even before you started dating. What was your family life like?

This could be very true, the need to be nurtured because mommy didn't, and was neglected emotionally. Was over weight, picked on, sad, alone, craved attention as a child......

[pcmaster]

Seek some therapy man. Might help you know. I think you should get out of your head and more into your body. Like hit a gym regulary and just think less, go more on a feel, wake up that animal who want to fck girls. Anyway theres nothing unussual about your hesitating, your not the only beginner who did that ridiculous kind of stuff. I think you just have to want it.

And yes you have chance with girl D but you have to fix problems she told you in forst place. Or fake it until you make it.

I can tell from my expierience that being overweight sure kills sexdrive. Perhaps you should start to eat right and many problems would disapear. If you want some tips then clean lean meat(chicken, turkey breast, steak, eggs{boiled or cooked without fat}) And cut sugars to nil, dont eat white bread or anything processed, cut grains and pasta to minimum(only whole grains you are allowed to eat). Eat lots of fresh and stimmed vegs and very little fruits. Also add healthy fat like fish oil, nuts(50g a day), cod liver oil. Eat lean mat and vegs as much as you can and you will lose weight. Theres no diet but just right things to eat. As more you eat right things as more you will lose weight.

[Wakeup]

Hmmm any relation to Badwaffle?

my first thought.

[EvilFlapjacks]

Hey, no relation to Badwaffle, the username is from an episode of Scrubs.

Thanks guys for all your replies - it's given me a lot of food for thought.

The confidence issues were there before I started dating, I didn't have many friends and mostly spent my time alone gaming, family life wasn't great as my father beat me up all the time into my teens.

I've decided to give the girl some space for a month or two and work on myself, mentally and physically - lose some weight, start up a martial art with one of my buddies, and take up some counselling/behavioural therapy - then take the initiative and tell her what I want. I don't really want to be dishonest with her, I don't want a friendship - I want to be with her, I just haven't had the balls to show her that.

[pcmaster]

Your on a right road Flapjack. Stay on it, stick to the plan, dont let things distract you. Come back after month or two then, let us know how its going, rekindle your old thread !

[fearoflove]

Are you afraid of what women of you without your clothes on?