The Drawing Board

[Rompi]

Hello all

This is my second post, a semi-continuation of my previous post 'Loose Ends'. It's pretty long and you don't have to read it. I'll try to keep this one more succinct.

So, I broke up with my girlfriend almost 3 weeks ago in what was a relatively civil breakup. The central concern was over my destructive passion for her, for which I admittedly relied upon for happiness. I suffer from depression, hate school, and when I find something/someone I am passionate about, I cling to it/them with a fierce intensity, extracting all the joy I can (healthy!!!). Although I am feeling emotionally tender from the breakup, I feel ultimately feel she was right to breakup with me, and ironically, highlights her legitimate concern for me. I admire her audacity to tell me the awful truth. It wouldn't have been easy.

But that is not the main concern of this. I have not contacted her at all these past 3 weeks, but that is about to change. Up until now, I feel like I've been recovering from the breakup quite well. After some reflection, I don't think ultimately our relationship could have ever worked (at least at this time in our lives) and that being seperate is better for us both. I would like to be friends with her in the future, but the only chance we have for that to work is if we give each other a lot of time and space. However, next Wednesday, due to our mutual connections, I will have to see her again. The setting is a pretty small jazz band of about 10 musicians, so there's not many people to hide behind. While, I have been recovering well, I am still feeling quite emotionally tender deep down. I'm really worried that when I get there, I'm going to despair seeing her. I think love, for me, is very addictive, and I am scared that seeing her will cause me to relapse.

I am scared that seeing her will seriously halt my recovery. But I really feel passionate about jazz, and I still want to play. She even offered to not come, but I couldn't do that to her considering she's passionate about music too. How can I still go and play the music I love without coming out emotionally battered? What should I do in this situation?

Thanks, any help appreciated
Rompi

[Wakeup]

Without coming out "emotionally battered?" If its that intense then don't go or; go and keep your eyes on your music and away from the audience. I'm sure you're seeing a doctor/thrapist for your depression/obsessive nature (right?) so ask him how you would best be able to cope.

[Rompi]

Thanks for the help Wakeup.

I'm seeing a counsellor at the moment. He's pretty good when it comes to dealing with deflated/anxious feelings, but when it comes to specific situations he is a bit hit or miss. He advised that I call her beforehand, just to lay everything on the table and ensure that there was no confusion or sadness. He said I should tell her that everything's okay between us, but that we should give each other space at the rehearsal.

I'm not too sure about this approach. I'm afraid calling her beforehand may be too confronting and serious. I've had some depressive episodes in the past few weeks, but they haven't been over her, which is good. I'm scared calling her could just trigger some bad feelings and make things bigger than they should be. What do you think?

[michelle23]

I think you should avoid her for now. Not to contradict your therapist but you are emotionally vulnerable and may not be strong enough right now to get through the night with her there. Im all for facing your fears, conquering anxiety etc but im just not sure 3 weeks is enough time to do that..

I remember after my first breakup-i had to act in a play a few nights later which was torture. I just wanted to lock myself In my room and be alone. I also had to face him every day in school for 2weeks and it was horrible. He kept trying to talk to me too and I didnt even want to look at him (he cheated) so I coldly ignored him and pretended I didnt care but it wasnt easy and the hurt was probably written all over my face

Id skip the jazz fest tbh-dont tell her your not going and hopefully shell get the hint and let you pursue your hobby in future without her there.

You should go no contact completely and focus on healing. Kick her out of your life for good. Exes have no place in your present or future

And I agree its a bit weird and clinical to phone her asking for space if your going to be in a cramped room together. If you feel your therapist is not helping then you should try a new one.

[dem862]

Based on your description of your situation, I am going to recommend the approach that would be taken by a participant in sex and love addicts anonymous. This would entail setting your bottom line activity and then adhering to that. You seem to feel that even being at the same activity is dangerous to your recovery. If that is truly the case, you need to avoid it altogether. If, however, you think you are unable to avoid this activity, you are going to have to decide what level of interaction you are comfortable with and adhere to that. For example, you can avoid all contact with her, you can avoid looking at her, you can avoid talking to her, you can avoid talking about your relationship, etc, etc. It is better to be too conservative about this, rather than take chances that could endanger you mental health and feelings of safety. Good luck to you.

[Wakeup]

Thanks for the help Wakeup.

I'm seeing a counsellor at the moment. He's pretty good when it comes to dealing with deflated/anxious feelings, but when it comes to specific situations he is a bit hit or miss. He advised that I call her beforehand, just to lay everything on the table and ensure that there was no confusion or sadness. He said I should tell her that everything's okay between us, but that we should give each other space at the rehearsal.

I'm not too sure about this approach. I'm afraid calling her beforehand may be too confronting and serious. I've had some depressive episodes in the past few weeks, but they haven't been over her, which is good. I'm scared calling her could just trigger some bad feelings and make things bigger than they should be. What do you think?

What would happen if you don't call her first and tell her you're not angry with her but you'd appreciate it if she left you be so that you can carry on with your recovery and she comes up to you to say hello? What would that bring on for you emotionally?

[Rompi]

Thanks for the help everyone.

Unfortunately, I can't pull out of the music thing as I would be letting everyone down. People are counting on me to play.

Wakeup, saying hello to her will be fine, in fact I think it's important that we still are cordial with one another as our paths are probably going to cross in the future. I also know she's fortunately not the sort of person who will bring up the relationship. I'm thinking my greatest enemy will be my own thoughts. I suppose it will be a matter of how I deal with them that will determine how I will feel overall. Does anyone know any techniques to push destructive thoughts aside and focus on other things?

[michelle23]

No grief usually just happens: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance.. you just got to feel the pain first and then heal. Its how it works.

[Wakeup]

Thanks for the help everyone.

Unfortunately, I can't pull out of the music thing as I would be letting everyone down. People are counting on me to play.

Wakeup, saying hello to her will be fine, in fact I think it's important that we still are cordial with one another as our paths are probably going to cross in the future. I also know she's fortunately not the sort of person who will bring up the relationship. I'm thinking my greatest enemy will be my own thoughts. I suppose it will be a matter of how I deal with them that will determine how I will feel overall. Does anyone know any techniques to push destructive thoughts aside and focus on other things?

Yes, it's called aversion therapy and by doing it, it will help you in the moment. Put an elastic band around your wrist and if you have a negative thought ping the elastic band on your wrist. Doing that will help you to consciously change your thoughts to something else, something more positive and less anxiety causing. Practice it before the venue.

Good luck, let us know how it goes and how well you've coped . Think positive and visualize you being just fine, calm and in control of your emotions under every scenario possible.

[Rompi]

Hey everyone, my final post on this thread for closure (with a final few questions).

Just had the rehearsal for the gig today and surprisingly, it went better than expected. Although I dreaded going to the rehearsal itself, when I was there, it was not too bad. I got there, and I remembered how much fun playing music in a group is, in spite of her presence. At that point I decided to just stay as jovial as possible and smile as much as I could, enjoy myself and not let her get me down.

I'm not sure why she didn't bother me too much at the time. Of course some feelings were there, but I could deal with them surprisingly effectively.

I could tell she wasn't going to talk to me at the end, but I decided to say hello myself, just to keep things friendly and show there's no resentment. Just because she's my ex doesn't make her a bad person after all. While the chat was mostly friendly, she said some things that kind of confused me.

Firstly, after exchanging some formalities, she asked me 'had I recovered' and 'had I found someone else'. I replied to these with 'I'm getting there' and 'I'm not really looking at the moment.' Also, even though she insisted I can keep it, I gave her her ipod back (told her I didn't use it, but honestly didn't want it reminding me of her.)

I kind of feel these are odd questions to ask. Without getting into too much detail, during the breakup, she said that I would find someone else to love, even if I was hurting now. She was a bit surprised when I reluctantly agreed that it was probably true, making her possibly assume that I would immediately look for someone else after the breakup. I then went NC straight away and haven't contacted her at all since. So I'm guessing that her weird questions meant one of two things (or a bit of both).

1. She actually still cares about me and was sincerely asking how I was doing out of compassionate concern. (Not too far fetched. Our breakup was pretty clean and she very well knows about my susceptibilities to depression. She wants me to keep the ipod as she knew I enjoyed using it.)
2. She expected me to contact her after the breakup, as she knew I still love her, and is wondering why I haven't contacted her. (Suspecting I moved on and found someone else. She wants me to keep the ipod as she doesn't want to fully let go of the relationship.)

Anyway, that's about it. I have to see her again in a week, but after that, we're done at least a few months . Any feedback concerning my questions would be appreciated. I've got plenty more questions to ask, but I'll save them for another day.

Thank you all.
Rompi

[searock]

I think option number 1 is the explanation regarding her questions, so don't let them get in the way of your recovery. Keep sticking to the no contact rule, you'll be fine .

[Wakeup]

Anyway, that's about it. I have to see her again in a week, but after that, we're done at least a few months . Any feedback concerning my questions would be appreciated. I've got plenty more questions to ask, but I'll save them for another day.

It doesn't matter what her motives were. My guess is that she was just curious because you handled yourself so well and she expected you to be depressed and droopy. Good for you for not being such.

You're well on your way, Rompi. Good job!