Are we headed for a break-up, or a deeper kind of love?

[thene0n]

I am a 21 year old female, and my boyfriend is a 20 year old male.

I have been with my guy for 2 years, and 3 months. Up until October 2013 (1 year, 9 months? into it), everything was absolutely perfect. When I say I love this guy more than anything can say, I mean it - he's awesome. He is kind, sweet, adorable, the only person to make me smile on bad days, cannot stay mad at each other, silly, fun - the whole 9 yards (and I still feel that he is all these things!). Our disagreements were always solved within hours, our sex life was AMAZING, the initial honey moon phase had passed long before and had been replaced with a warm afterglow feeling even when I'd look at him. He's my version of perfection, and I couldn't be luckier to have such an amazing man in my life. I truly do believe I love him, but then there's the problem... I'm unsure if it's IN LOVE feeling.

In October 2013, he had to work across the country (5,934km) for 2 months in 20 day rotations, with 10 days off to be at home. I was devastated when he left, as was he - we cried for days. I had a lot going on with personal life issues, and he is one of the only people I can trust, so it was hard to be apart. We spend every moment we possibly can with each other, and we always enjoy our time together. The first month, we FaceTimed, phonecalled, etc. and everything was fine - we missed each other but looked forward to counting down to his ten days home. When he came home the first time, I remember feeling so excited, but when we kissed - it was kind of awkward? Almost like no feeling to it. But again, I was happy to have him around and home.

I noticed a change during his second rotation out west after he came home for the first time. We were bickering slightly more on the phone, but we would always make up very quickly before the end of the phone call and all would be fine. For some reason, it's almost like my excitement died - I missed him, and wanted him home, yet I couldn't feel it as strongly as I did during his first rotation. I dismissed it, and thought nothing of it because it was also a stressful time for me university wise, and I was busy.

I was set to see him for the first time in 20 days on December 4th, 2013. He had gotten home after being laid off the day before, so he traveled the two hours to come get me for Christmas break because he had wanted to see me, and I wanted to see him. I was looking forward to seeing him, but as it always was when we were first reunited, it kind of felt a little strange to be holding him in real life. On our way back to my hometown, we got a call saying one of our best friends had shot himself - he had committed suicide.

Over the course of our first week home together, instead of spending time and re-connecting, we were mourning our friend. My boyfriend took this very hard, as he had seen this friend the night before - meanwhile, I was very angry. (It was just how I processed the grief.) Our break was filled with funerals, wakes, and visiting with our deceased friend's girlfriend/family. Of course, our Christmas break wasn't as happy as it should have been - and it was to be expected, but it almost seemed like something inside of me turned off.

I couldn't get sexually excited, I didn't want to have sex. The warm, happy feelings I'd have cuddling or kissing him were replaced with anxiety and doubt - "why am I not so happy right now? what if I don't love him?" was all that rang through my mind. He had given me a gorgeous ring for Christmas (one that I had longed for, not a promise ring or anything but still meaningful!) and I wasn't even excited. I started to nit pick him, and analyze our otherwise good relationship. It's almost like I was trying to find a reason to end it, when in reality I know that if we broke up, I'd regret it. I also noticed that I am more snappy with my family (and my boyfriend as well!), and easily put into a sour mood - for it to only switch back to a better one within a few hours. Things I used to enjoy, I couldn't anymore. I had no concentration, no desire to work towards my goals/responsibilities. Between December 2013-February 2014, I was given anti-depressants (Zoloft, and Wellbutrin) and it didn't help (made me even more anxious), so I quit them by mid Feb. I have talked a few times with a councilor, and am currently seeking a new therapist as I'm home for summer break.

When I am with my boyfriend, I feel safe and content. I still love to cuddle with him, like to be touchy feely, feel the urge to kiss him - but it feels like there's nothing passionate about it. I still care for him in a major way, and worry about him, think of him sometimes during the day - ect. He is a good man, who is very patient and has been very understanding with this whole process. We have discussed it often, and we both agree although there are some things in the relationship that could use some work (making effort to keep things fresh), we have otherwise a very good, healthy relationship. He's been nothing but loving with me, and continues to support and nurture me in whatever I need from him. He's someone I want to spend my life with, I could picture marrying and having children with. He's respectful, my family loves him, I know deep down I love him too - but I can't help but feel like I'm not "in love" with him. Like my title said, it's like my best friend more so than my lover and I'm not sure how it happened, but it did.

Although things are much better than they used to, I still don't find myself longing for him like I used to or missing him badly like I used to. I'm still having trouble getting aroused, or wanting to have sex - but he's very respectful and says that sex isn't what he's in it for, but for me, it's important and I'd like to have that back. I still find myself having little doubts, but they are easier to ignore. Sometimes though, it feels like I'm faking happy and I don't feel like it's fair to him. It's almost like a best friend, that I cuddle with/sleep with. I'll have moments where I feel completely happy and enthralled with him, then other moments where I just feel awkward and numb. I have absolutely no sexual thoughts, inklings or wantings to be single, or with anyone else. I think it's also important to note that I've been less than happy with my own life and self as well, so maybe that plays into it?

I truly do believe he's worth it, and I'd like to do everything in my power to bring it back as much as I can, but I'm lost on how or what to do. I know people suggest doing new things, and we plan to try that. Honestly, I just want to know if there's hope for us to get better, because I know he wants us so badly to work, and I know I'd really love for it to work out too. I really, really don't want to lose the guy of my dreams, but I'm scared I'm hiding behind the drama of the past few months and not facing the facts that it may be done.

tl;dr: I've gone through a lot in the past few months with my boyfriend, and I feel as if our relationship is more-so like two best friends that hook up. Is there any way to re-heat our relationship, or is it a lost cause?

[HeartIsAching]

I am a 21 year old female, and my boyfriend is a 20 year old male.

I have been with my guy for 2 years, and 3 months. Up until October 2013 (1 year, 9 months? into it), everything was absolutely perfect. When I say I love this guy more than anything can say, I mean it - he's awesome. He is kind, sweet, adorable, the only person to make me smile on bad days, cannot stay mad at each other, silly, fun - the whole 9 yards (and I still feel that he is all these things!). Our disagreements were always solved within hours, our sex life was AMAZING, the initial honey moon phase had passed long before and had been replaced with a warm afterglow feeling even when I'd look at him. He's my version of perfection, and I couldn't be luckier to have such an amazing man in my life. I truly do believe I love him, but then there's the problem... I'm unsure if it's IN LOVE feeling.

You've touched on something important here - the honeymoon ended some time ago, and you've settled into that "warm afterglow feeling"... Congratulations sister, you've gotten past infatuation and settled into love. Yes, it's really that simple; love is that warm easy friendship, the deep tender caring.

The "Love/In-Love" thing is something people made up as an excuse for a breakup.

In October 2013, he had to work across the country (5,934km) for 2 months in 20 day rotations, with 10 days off to be at home. I was devastated when he left, as was he - we cried for days. I had a lot going on with personal life issues, and he is one of the only people I can trust, so it was hard to be apart. We spend every moment we possibly can with each other, and we always enjoy our time together. The first month, we FaceTimed, phonecalled, etc. and everything was fine - we missed each other but looked forward to counting down to his ten days home. When he came home the first time, I remember feeling so excited, but when we kissed - it was kind of awkward? Almost like no feeling to it. But again, I was happy to have him around and home.

I noticed a change during his second rotation out west after he came home for the first time. We were bickering slightly more on the phone, but we would always make up very quickly before the end of the phone call and all would be fine. For some reason, it's almost like my excitement died - I missed him, and wanted him home, yet I couldn't feel it as strongly as I did during his first rotation. I dismissed it, and thought nothing of it because it was also a stressful time for me university wise, and I was busy.

Frankly to me, it sounds as if you reacted badly to the anxiety of him being gone. Totally normal.

I was set to see him for the first time in 20 days on December 4th, 2013. He had gotten home after being laid off the day before, so he traveled the two hours to come get me for Christmas break because he had wanted to see me, and I wanted to see him. I was looking forward to seeing him, but as it always was when we were first reunited, it kind of felt a little strange to be holding him in real life. On our way back to my hometown, we got a call saying one of our best friends had shot himself - he had committed suicide.

Over the course of our first week home together, instead of spending time and re-connecting, we were mourning our friend. My boyfriend took this very hard, as he had seen this friend the night before - meanwhile, I was very angry. (It was just how I processed the grief.) Our break was filled with funerals, wakes, and visiting with our deceased friend's girlfriend/family. Of course, our Christmas break wasn't as happy as it should have been - and it was to be expected, but it almost seemed like something inside of me turned off.

Everyone experiences grief with the same seven stages, and they don't all come in some proper order. You experience them as you experience them. I have personally experienced this very thing myself... a year and a half ago, I got a call from the wife of one of my best friends in the whole world... she was crying so hard she was incoherent. I don't think we ever get over it completely... to this day, every now and then I see something and think "I've gotta tell Rick about this" and then I remember.

I couldn't get sexually excited, I didn't want to have sex. The warm, happy feelings I'd have cuddling or kissing him were replaced with anxiety and doubt - "why am I not so happy right now? what if I don't love him?" was all that rang through my mind. He had given me a gorgeous ring for Christmas (one that I had longed for, not a promise ring or anything but still meaningful!) and I wasn't even excited. I started to nit pick him, and analyze our otherwise good relationship. It's almost like I was trying to find a reason to end it, when in reality I know that if we broke up, I'd regret it. I also noticed that I am more snappy with my family (and my boyfriend as well!), and easily put into a sour mood - for it to only switch back to a better one within a few hours. Things I used to enjoy, I couldn't anymore. I had no concentration, no desire to work towards my goals/responsibilities. Between December 2013-February 2014, I was given anti-depressants (Zoloft, and Wellbutrin) and it didn't help (made me even more anxious), so I quit them by mid Feb. I have talked a few times with a councilor, and am currently seeking a new therapist as I'm home for summer break.

When I am with my boyfriend, I feel safe and content. I still love to cuddle with him, like to be touchy feely, feel the urge to kiss him - but it feels like there's nothing passionate about it. I still care for him in a major way, and worry about him, think of him sometimes during the day - ect. He is a good man, who is very patient and has been very understanding with this whole process. We have discussed it often, and we both agree although there are some things in the relationship that could use some work (making effort to keep things fresh), we have otherwise a very good, healthy relationship. He's been nothing but loving with me, and continues to support and nurture me in whatever I need from him. He's someone I want to spend my life with, I could picture marrying and having children with. He's respectful, my family loves him, I know deep down I love him too - but I can't help but feel like I'm not "in love" with him. Like my title said, it's like my best friend more so than my lover and I'm not sure how it happened, but it did.

I think you're still dealing with anxiety about him being gone, combined with grief about your friend. Frankly, I don't believe anti-depressants are necessarily the right answer, as they tend to suppress the libido. I dislike psychiatrists precisely because they tend to prescribe medication and not try actual therapy to get at the problem. Psychologists are much better IMNSHO.

Although things are much better than they used to, I still don't find myself longing for him like I used to or missing him badly like I used to. I'm still having trouble getting aroused, or wanting to have sex - but he's very respectful and says that sex isn't what he's in it for, but for me, it's important and I'd like to have that back. I still find myself having little doubts, but they are easier to ignore. Sometimes though, it feels like I'm faking happy and I don't feel like it's fair to him. It's almost like a best friend, that I cuddle with/sleep with. I'll have moments where I feel completely happy and enthralled with him, then other moments where I just feel awkward and numb. I have absolutely no sexual thoughts, inklings or wantings to be single, or with anyone else. I think it's also important to note that I've been less than happy with my own life and self as well, so maybe that plays into it?

I truly do believe he's worth it, and I'd like to do everything in my power to bring it back as much as I can, but I'm lost on how or what to do. I know people suggest doing new things, and we plan to try that. Honestly, I just want to know if there's hope for us to get better, because I know he wants us so badly to work, and I know I'd really love for it to work out too. I really, really don't want to lose the guy of my dreams, but I'm scared I'm hiding behind the drama of the past few months and not facing the facts that it may be done.

Have you tried things to rekindle the romance? Not new things, but old things - things you used to do that you don't anymore? My wife and I have a "date night" at least once a week, and it works well for us. We continue to woo each other on a daily basis as well, we've never stopped flirting with each other.

[thene0n]

old[/I] things - things you used to do that you don't anymore? My wife and I have a "date night" at least once a week, and it works well for us. We continue to woo each other on a daily basis as well, we've never stopped flirting with each other.

I've tried to get him on board with date night, and we are trying to incorporate some of our old behaviors into our lives now - being affectionate, doing things we used to, ect. Thank you for all of your wonderful advice thus far