need advice on my 2 year relationship

[blendedinva]

I am a single dad of 3 little ones and have been divorced for 5 years. Mother /ex is not in the picture at all. 2 years ago I met the most amazing woman who is 3 years older and also happened to have 3 kids. She was divorced 6 months before meeting. We took things slow and fell in love with one another. 6 months ago we moved into the same house and things have been going pretty well. She was married for 14 years and dealt with some physical/mental violence. The divorce was long and rough for her. The other day we began talking about marriage (actually her mother asked if I would ever remarry) and I stated that I was in love with her, her kids, and one day when timing was right, I would love to marry her. She was kind of taken back and later that night she explained to me that she doesn't want to marry again. She said she doesn't need a piece of paper to say that she loves someone or is committed to someone. She asked why do I want to marry again. I stumbled and couldn't really think of much at the time because I was feeling kind of hurt at the time. Can someone help me understand this, experienced the same thing? I want to marry this woman one day but I will not do it if I have to pressure her into it. I'm lost right now!!

[Wakeup]

Where I'm from, after 3 years you're considered as being "married common-law" and you get all the same rights as any married person would get so there is no real reason, other then "in the eyes of god" type considerations to get married.

If you're concerned about your rights then have the proper wills and power of attorneys drawn up so there is no doubt as to what yours and hers wants are should some medical catastrophe/death take place.

You should have something in writing about who will raise your children should something happen to you at the very least.

BTW: Just because she doesn't want to marry again it doesn't mean she doesn't love you. You're carrying on like she thinks lesser of you if she doesn't marry you and that's certainly not the case... well unless there is something else you're not telling us that indicates your fears are warranted.

[basilandthyme]

I'm like your wife. Married, divorced and now living with my partner - 22yrs defacto.

Having been divorced, I've discovered that marriage takes a piece of paper to get in and a piece of paper to get out. It's all just paperwork.

Also, the fact that I'm prepared to leave a bad marriage would make my vows pointless. I find it hard to imagine vows to the effect of "I will love and cherish you till death do us part - on the proviso that you treat me with care and respect".

Having said all that, if I lived in a place which did not recognise defacto marriage, we would get married. But it would be only for the practicalities and not for the relationship value of a marriage.

[michelle23]

A friend of my mum was in an abusive marriage in her 20's. He died of a drug enduced heart attack. She met someone else and they were together 20+ years without marriage and also have a son together. Sadly he died 4years ago-there was an accident at work. Shes now seeing someone else and happy but I doubt she will ever remarry. She spent 5 years in a horrific marriage and over 20 years in a very happy non married relationship

[chinagirl]

Just because she does not want to get married now doesn't mean she does not want to get married in the future. When I got divorced, I swore not to get married again but changed my mind after being with my BF for 5 years. At some point, I realized that I wanted to be married again.

Just give it time and enjoy each other.

[blendedinva]

Thank you all for your response on this.. It help hearing it from someones else's perspective. I guess I was just thinking she wasn't committed or "all in" when I heard her say she didn't want to re-marry.

[RedWingInCo]

You feel lost because there is a part of you that feels rejected. You put your feelings out there and she didn't respond in the way you expected. It is completely understandable. It is also very common for people who have gone through divorce to take a staunch stand that they "will never get married again." With this knowledge, it probably isn't something to get overly upset about. It can serve as the opening for deeper communication between the two of you. A "common law" marriage is not the same thing as a civil marriage for many reasons that go beyond the "in the sight of God" explanation. Although, in my own opinion, that's good enough for me. A "piece of paper" still is important and I understand why this has troubled your mind and heart. Hang in there and keep loving her and her children. Women have been known to change their mind (as well as men)!

[DWizard]

She correct. . Why do you need a piece of paper to say you're in love and you want to be with this person? Isn't that what your actions are for?? Have you ever asked you self that question? Marriage was originally about property and ownership. What does that have to do with love?


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[Wakeup]

Marriage or living together is not about love. It's about partnership in all aspects of your life together. Love is for the person you do that with whether there be a paper announcing it or not.