4 year relationship facing a problem

[rdmerican]

I'm a 25 year old male and have been with my s/o for the last 3 years. (Let's call her Sarah) Sarah's the same age as me.

I've been facing a huge dilemma (love can be a bitch sometimes), this will be a slightly long story, but I'll try to summerize and break it up as much as possible.

Let's start from the beginning. We were friends in high school, she was in a relationship then. Fast forward 2 years, I met a girl (call her Jane) and we hit off VERY VERY well. But I disliked just one fact she took long to text back (I was just in the beginning of the whole boy-girl thing, I was pretty childish back then)

At this point Sarah was dumped by her BF and in a really shallow mood. I tried texting her to get her to calm down and comfort her. It was around during this time we started texting a lot more (She's a texter).

Me and Jane had a slight argument (thinking back this was a really ridiculous argument on my part and shouldn't have happened, and regretted the following actions that follows below....) and due to the grass being always greener on the other side, I started talking with Sarah.

Long story cut short, me and Sarah got together probably because I saw her as the 'greener' grass and she probably saw me as someone to rely on after her messed up RS. Wasn't a good reason to start.

Let me summarize first what "problems" I see during this 3 years.

• - I feel she's a manipulative girl that will do things to get things HER way, and doesn't consider for me.
• - I probably can count on 1 hand when she is genuinely apologetic,from the 100 or so apologies.
• - I'm generally a positive person and laugh off issues and problems, but she gets depressed or emotional if something bad happens.
• - She always complains of aches, pains, and tbh I'm not a fan of that at all (am I just uncaring?)
• - Majority of the time she doesn't consider what HER actions will make me feel.
• - If she makes me angry and I get angry with her, she gets into a sulky and bad mood and ending up ME having to comfort her. (What)
• - She's not on good terms with her family, and honestly I can't blame her because her dad drinks and is generally a very negative person. But she still do care for them.
• - She'd get mad with her family and text me vulgarities on how she's feeling (major turn off)
• - I "feel" she's never been single for a long time (8 years now) and she doesn't know what woman generally should do to keep her guy interested. And says/do things which obviously guys hate.
• - There's certain phrases she use like "ok have a good day ahead!" during our arguments, which obviously isn't genuine at all, so when she uses it during normal times I just get mind****ed on whether is that real or fake. Basically I'm getting mindfuked a lot of times, and it's mentally draining.
• - She'd ask me questions that I can't answer. Eg, sometimes I'd post some motivating and inspiration or wellbeing articles on Facebook. If the article talks about not good being manipulative etc, she'd ask "so I'm manipulative...?" (What...)
• - She doesn't make me really wanna have sex. She'd assume a guy should initiate it and she's being a 'good' gf when she gives, which is almost always.

There's some others, but that's the gist.

Now for the "GOOD" things

• - She isn't materialistic
• - She knows how to take care of me physically. Packs my luggage, towels, clothes etc automatically.
• - Sometimes she act kid like, which makes me want to comfort/pamper her, but that comes with all the kid tantrums too (which is just childish IMO)
• - She buys and gets things for me when she knows I'm not feeling well/needs the items
• - Remembers all our important dates/items well
• - Had lots of fun during our fun times
• - She told me she'd never break up with me (during our arguments) because she knows how bad it feels like, and if there's a break I should initiate it. (is this even a good thing..?)

We've been on a few trips together. We have upcoming plans together. I've tried breaking off with her a few times, but she always apologises and explains and how make things work. And keep saying it'll improve. I always get soft-hearted and listen. But the same problem occurs again and again.

Deep down I know, she can be a very perfect wife, but only if she gets single again and be aware of some of the issues she's got. I don't think there's some topics where it's convenient for me to tell her "Dear please be more understanding" "Dear please be more considerate and think about my thoughts etc etc". I just think, she's got to be aware of this herself.

My biggest dilemma now is, do I continue to try to slowly instill those positive thoughts to her and get her to change and potentially be an awesome wife material?

We're heading for a trip overseas in the following month, we've done so much planning, she's bought so many things to bring along and we're generally really really looking forward to this trip. And she's gonna start her school soon in the following month too. Breaking it off now will just seem cruel.

I mean, this has been weighing me down for so long, I felt like I look so much older than I should. But I still continue to believe one day she'd understand and be glad I stuck by her and not just leave her alone, so I just continue trying. And also I haven't done enough for her yet, so I keep putting the responsibility on myself that once I start to get my career up and running, and have spare finances, things will get a lot better. To be honest other girlfriends get treated by their boyfriends better (in terms of monetary support)

PS: She's my first official relationship.

Damn...I'm really clueless.Sometimes we get along so freaking well, we joke we laugh, and we discuss about our future house/kids. But sometimes it's just a mindwreck. Is there anything I can still or should do? (I honestly like to see what "I" can do the save the situation, rather than what "SHE" should do)

[basilandthyme]

That list of pros vs cons you've made? Well I reckon that a good relationship is about 95% good - and let me tell you that this type of relationship does exist.

Does this help?

[rdmerican]

That list of pros vs cons you've made? Well I reckon that a good relationship is about 95% good - and let me tell you that this type of relationship does exist.

Does this help?

I'm not sure if this is some symptom of "grass being greener" where I find other women more attractive (not physically) and started noticing more of her flaws instead.