Can't figure out my boyfriend..

[stateofgrace]

I need some advice. I’ve been in a relationship with my boyfriend for 4 months (I’m 23, he’s 26) I realize it hasn’t been long at all, but I can’t figure him out sometimes. Sometimes he is so loving and caring, he sometimes says cute things, the sex is amazing - best I've ever had, but then other times, it kind of seems like he could care less if I was in his life or not. I've never felt insecure in a relationship before and don't want to screw it up. I don't understand WHY I'm feeling unsure of his feelings. I don't FEEL like I need constant reassurance, even though that's what it sounds like. I just don't know why I feel like some days he's so into me, then other days it seems he doesn't care as much. Communication is big with me, but he's a self-proclaimed man of few words, which I'm not used to, as my ex was a man of many (many..many..) words.. which got annoying, but at least I always knew where I stood with him. I know everyone's different, and it's worth mentioning that my ex was my first love so it's been really weird getting accustomed to someone else, but I just don't know how to go about just ENJOYING the relationship instead of over-analyzing every little thing. I genuinely like this guy a lot and don't want to screw things up. Any words of wisdom for little ol' me? I just want to enjoy this without worrying. I have so much fun when I'm with him, but it's when I'm not that my mind goes crazy...

[smackie9]

Ask him........

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I don't want to scare you or anything but when they blow hot and cold, they are blown hot to someone else.

[stateofgrace]

I wouldn't go so far as to say he blows hot and cold. I truly don't believe he's seeing someone else, trust isn't the issue here. He doesn't get "cold", we haven't had an argument yet....I guess the main thing (which is annoying) is the texting. Things are all good in person, but we don't text much. He usually sends me a text saying good morning, some days I'll beat him to the punch, then we don't talk all day, and then we exchange a few texts in the evening. My ex and I would text all the time, so this is weird for me. I can accept the fact that we don't have to text all the time, I have a more extensive job than I did before, so that's fine. However, some days (such as this morning) he just didn't text me good morning, yet he was on Facebook. It just didn't make sense to me. But I know it's silly to get worked up over a text. I sent him a text when I got to work telling him to have a good day, and I will be seeing him later tonight too. I guess I just need someone to say that this isn't a big deal. I know the quality time spent together is more important, so how do I not let the texting thing get to me?

[Wakeup]

Why are you comparing him to your ex? Two posts and the ex was brought up both times. Why did you and your ex breakup and how long ago did that happen?

[stateofgrace]

Why are you comparing him to your ex? Two posts and the ex was brought up both times. Why did you and your ex breakup and how long ago did that happen?

I apologize for bringing the ex up - I'm over my ex, I try not to compare them but it's just in this specific instance that I'm trying to figure out why I feel so insecure.. that's all. The only reason I can think of is that I had constant reassurance from my ex so I never thought that if I didn't have that, I would care.. makes me sound clingy, but I'm really not. It was just something I got used to over the course of 3 years, and now I'm with someone different and I need to learn how to get accustomed to that, I just don't know how, and that's why I'm here for advice.

My ex and I broke up mutually about 10 months ago. One of those "it was right for a long time but it's not right anymore" kinda deals.

[Wakeup]

I guess I just need someone to say that this isn't a big deal. I know the quality time spent together is more important, so how do I not let the texting thing get to me?

This isn't a big deal.

It really isn't but if you are used to more communication then why don't you talk to him about this and see what he has to say about giving you a "how's it going" type text now and again?

Do you see him more days of the week then not?

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P.S. Thanks for the clarification on your ex. Now all you need to do is to realize and accept that texting during the day doesn't mean diddly squat in keeping a relationship together...

[stateofgrace]

I considered talking to him about it, but, I'm not the type to be like "PAY ATTENTION TO ME!" I feel more like, if he wants to talk to me, he will. But then the other part of my brain (the crazy part..haha) is like.. well then why isn't he texting me.. lol vicious cycle.

We see each other 3-4 days a week. So yeah, more often than not.

Thank you for your advice, I appreciate it

[searock]

You are scared of communicating your needs to him because you're afraid that if you do, he will think that you are clingy and desperate, or something. There is no point being in a relationship with someone that makes you feel so uncomfortable about yourself. You should be able to talk about your feelings with your partner without being afraid that he will think less of you if you do. Without communication, any relationship is doomed.

What I'm saying is that you should tell him how you feel about the fact that you use different languages of love (look it up and take the test: 5 languages of love). Your language is probably "words of affirmation", whereas his is probably "quality time" or "loving acts" (can't remember the exact names). Whichever language you each use, you very likely mean the same thing: "I love you". You just need to have a conversation about it, since it's important to you, so as to figure out how to better understand each other.

[stateofgrace]

Thank you Searock. You're right. I'm usually really good with communicating what I want, but I've been a lot more cautious in this relationship and I don't want to mess things up. He doesn't make me feel like I can't talk to him or anything, it's just that he's SO laidback that I don't want to cause unnecessary drama is all. So I wanted to know if it was something worth bringing up, or if I should just pick my battles, let it go and realize that's just how he is kind of thing. I don't feel like I can't talk to him about things, I just don't want to make something out of nothing. Since I overthink things often, I tend to make up problems that don't actually exist...lol

[smackie9]

I think you are still in that "he's the center of my world" state of mind, but you want ot change that. You need to find other things to do, and keep busy with your friends, etc, instead of sitting idle wondering why he hasn't texted you yet. He's amazing guy, no trust issues, answers when you text him, laid back, etc.....TBH the problem lies with you not him. You should be having that talk with yourself.

[searock]

It is upsetting you, so you should talk about it, if only just to vent. Until you talk about it, you're going to keep worrying about it, so the sooner the better. Waiting will only make it seem even worse.

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I do agree with smackie in that I also don't think there is a problem from his part... but there is the fact that you use two different languages, and this is worth discussing.

[HeartIsAching]

I think you should figure out whether or not you should bother figuring him out... right now you're in the honeymoon phase of your relationship - the phase during which you're both on your best behavior. If he's like this now, how do you think he's going to be in a year when the glamor has worn off and you start to see the real guy? When he starts to see you for yourself? When all those little annoying little things you and he currently shrug off or ignore start to grate?

Personally, I think dating is when you have to consider whether or not there's long term compatibility, and trust me sister you don't want to waste time on anybody that's not going to be worth it.