I really, really need help...

[Ashes]

So, I like this boy. I'm gonna call him X here.
I met him 1 year ago, and it was love at first sight. At least for me. He was my best girl friend's friend, and she introduced us. I noticed how he was very nice, specially with the other girls. He was such a good friend to my friend. I used to talk with him sometimes, when our friend was there. But when she left the school, we didn't talk much again. When we did, I always started the conversations, and they lasted for about 5 seconds. The last one was in the end of February, some time before he found out I liked him.
My friend used to study in his class, and she once told me he and a friend were talking about me once, and he said "No, she's not weird, she's just different. She likes a lot some books almost no one else does. But she's nice" but this year, when he found out I liked him, he said "She's nice, but no I would not kiss her"

Do you guys know how that makes me feel?
Do you know how many girls he's ever kissed? Well, let me count... 5, until now, and he has just turned 14 this Tuesday (I didn't talk to him by the way)
Do you know how many girls he's liked, in the past 3 years? +/-14
Do you know how many girls have liked him? Six. Including me.

Exactly. I'm the only girl that likes him that he doesn't like, wouldn't kiss, wouldn't date.
The freaking only one.

(I've got this information from my best friend, that knows him well, and from recent events ( the girls he dated this year, etc)
Again, do you know how I feel? I feel like a piece of ..., like the ugliest girl in the freaking school. In the freaking world. I'm always in deep sorrow, this guy makes me feel so BAD! A stab in the heart wouldn't hurt more than this situation.
And you may be thinking: "But there are another guys in the world who may like you!", the answer is, as far as I know, only 1 guy has ever liked me, and he is gay. All the others just bully me and call me ugly.
And there's zero chance I'll ever like someone else in the near future.

I always see X talking with other girls... I hear him complimenting them... Caring about them... All the girls in the school but ME. Everyone but me. Since last year.

And now... There's this school party coming... It happens every year and since X is in this school he's kissed a different girl in each party there. I plan to go but it will be the first time I'm ever going to a party. I'm so nervous, wondering who he's going to kiss. I know he has already said no to me, but I can't control my hope... Statistically it isn't something impossible to happen...

What do I DO? Because seriously if things just don't change I'll soon kill myself.

I wish I just didn't need other people, like everyone does...

[pcmaster]

Theres no recovery after hell you get yourself into. Only option is to kill yourself - maybe better luck in other life.

But seriously you need emotional support. From friends - people you can talk to and trust. You have to let it all out. Talk with school psychologist and it will help too. Also to be in healthy relationship you need some hobbies or interests - things that gives you positive emotions and fulfillment - something useful you can put your energy and mind into to switch from all the drama. I find your sturry funny and childish. But at your age I had problems in school too - bullying and stuff. What helped me was sport - I met amazing people there that became my friends and it was whole another world - much better than school, because there I was accepted and be with like minded people who likes the same thing as me. Also sport transformed my body and girls started to like me and when I got beat up at school it didnt hurt lol.

[Ashes]

Theres no recovery after hell you get yourself into. Only option is to kill yourself - maybe better luck in other life.

But seriously you need emotional support. From friends - people you can talk to and trust. You have to let it all out. Talk with school psychologist and it will help too. Also to be in healthy relationship you need some hobbies or interests - things that gives you positive emotions and fulfillment - something useful you can put your energy and mind into to switch from all the drama. I find your sturry funny and childish. But at your age I had problems in school too - bullying and stuff. What helped me was sport - I met amazing people there that became my friends and it was whole another world - much better than school, because there I was accepted and be with like minded people who likes the same thing as me. Also sport transformed my body and girls started to like me and when I got beat up at school it didnt hurt lol.

Thank you... But I don't only think about this! I think about other things too, I have hobbies, I love to read, music makes me feel a little better, and I am in several online communities. I work on changing my body too - sadly it's not as simple as sport for girls - to feel more attractive and confident.

But all of this doesn't stoop me from feeling bad.

And, what is weird... About 1 year ago, until last October, I used to feel very, very, very bad. Then I saw the light again and spent the next several months very happy all the time, not giving a ..., about what X saying NO. I was sure he'd change his mind. Now I'm getting bad again. ._.

[bulrush]

OP, you can't be everything to everyone, you are not perfect. Don't take it so personally.

I wish I just didn't need other people, like everyone does...

Sounds like you assume you need people to validate yourself when you really don't. You have to tell yourself you are a good person, even with your imperfections, and you can't please everyone. And you can't date everyone you like. So, just try again with another person.

You can also ask him to dance at the dance, and see if he changes his mind about dating you.
You will never know unless you ask.