My girlfriend constantly talks about her best friend, and its starting to annoy me

[CasperA]

Hey everyone,

I've been together with my girlfriend for around 4 months now, im 19 and she's 18. For the past two months she's started hanging out very often with a guy from her class, and it has started making me very irritated for a couple of reasons.
First off they're hanging out very often, like every third day, and last week, when we had like half a deal to hang out, she dumped my because she had to hang out with her friend. She keeps telling me that i shouldnt worry because he's gay, but the matter of the fact is just that he isnt. He's slept with two her best friends and so, so there is no doubt that he just isnt. When they text each other they write hearts all the time, and i know this shouldnt annoy my as it is just silly texting but combined with some of the other things im listing its just started to annoy me.
Another thing that annoys me about this is that she is talking about him all the time. An example is last night when we decided to go for a little walk in the park for around an hour she talked about him 5 times. Constantly saying "Haha, when i was with Chris yesterday he did that and that and that....".
I know this may sound strange but i also think he likes her. She has told me that he used to like her but doesnt anymore. But im just having a hard time believing this. For example he wants to be with her all the time. Yesterday when he was going tanning in the local "sun-center" he begged her constantly to come with her because he was scared of doing it alone... Come on...
Another thing is that he is the best friend of her ex boyfriend. Me and her ex boyfriends have known each other for 10 years now, and we're just the kind of people that really are never going to like each other, in fact we really hate each other. I dont know her best friend chris well, but im afraid that he is so close to her ex boyfriend that he will try to turn her against me at some point.

I know many of the things i've mentioned above may seem silly, but when you've got a girlfriend that you love of all your heart, it is just annoying that she keeps talking about this other guy all the time when we're hanging out and so....

Any advice? or anything you want me to explain feel free to ask.

Casper

[MrLoyal]

Wow thats ****ed up dude. This is sure to end badly.


My only advice is don't be insecure about this. Insecurity and neediness is a big turn off for any girl. If you were confident in yourself you would fear no competition and thats attractive to women.

Maybe say something playful like "Hey, can I get you guys a room?" Or something like. "Wow, you guys would be a great couple!" Lol.

If showing confidence and not caring doesn't work and shit goes sour, there was nothing you could do about it and it was gonna happen anyway if it hasn't already.

[searock]

She is being disrespectful to your relationship. She shouldn't hang out alone so often with another guy. You should be her best guy friend, not someone else. I think your concerns are perfectly valid and you should have a talk with her about relationship boundaries.

On second thought, scratch that... you guys are sooo young. Just break up with her (she isn't in love with you) and date other women. You're too young to settle down.

[CasperA]

Its not really because i fear the competition. Because i know she loves me etc. But i just find it annoying always having to hear about im. She doesnt know that i think its annoying, and maybe it would be an idea to just say something in the way to you suggested.
Its just that it feels like she doesnt think about what she does know. I had a very good female friend but i have more or less completely stopped seeing her since we got together because my gf told me that she didnt like her very much and feared the competetion. I can live with this, since i love my gf so much, but i just dont want to say to her that i dont like her hanging out with this guy and so that much.

** i dont just want to scratch it. I love her and i want this to work out. I just need to figure out how to deal with this. Wether to talk to her about it and how to say it.

[MrLoyal]

Well start seeing your female friend again. Don't let a girl tell you what to do. Do what you want dude.

[searock]

You are right, what she is doing is wrong. You aren't over reacting, anyone would feel the same way.

Look, if you really want to stay with your girlfriend, you're going to have to talk to her about relationship boundaries. She herself admitted that she wouldn't like it if you had a close friend of the opposite sex, so why should you endure it? It's not healthy for people in relationships to hang out alone so often with other guys/girls. The very fact that she'd rather spend time with her guy friend than with you indicates that she isn't really in love with you. It's normal at that age to still not know what one wants, she isn't being deliberately cruel or anything. She's just experimenting with these new feelings and stuff.

I truly think the best thing you can do is break up with her and start experimenting as well. Date other girls, don't tie yourself down until you are 100% sure you have found "the one" (i.e. someone you can see yourself spending the rest of your life with, someone that just feels right).

[CasperA]

I dont know guys, i dont want to end it with her. I love her, and i know she loves me as well. She really just aint very good at showing it, just like i just dont think that she's given a thought that i dont like her hanging around this chris that much. Maybe the best think would just be to sit down and talk to her about it first. I hope this will make her realize that its a little too much.

** Just a sign that i know she loves me. Last week she bought a holliday for me and her to italy this summer. Ordered all and finished it to surprise me.

[searock]

Then maybe she just doesn't know how to handle this situation, because it's the first time she's ever been in one (same goes for you).

This is why I think you should have a conversation about it. Tell her that just like she doesn't appreciate you hanging out alone with your close female friend, you don't like her hanging out alone with her close male friend. The fact that he "used to" like her makes things even worse. Tell her that you don't want to share her with another guy and that you should be her best male friend (and she should be your best female friend). It's a simple relationship boundary that most healthy monogamous couples don't cross, because they know that it can be harmful to the relationship. It doesn't mean that you don't trust her or that you are afraid of the competition or anything, it's just a normal relationship boundary that shouldn't be crossed, out of respect for the relationship itself.

It's ok to have friends of the opposite sex even when you're in a relationship, what is not ok is to hang out alone with them regularly and often, to go on "platonic dates" with them and to feel uncomfortable when both them and your partner are in the same room (which I am sure she feels).

[Starnique]

Some people seriously lack common sense. Your GF seems to... What person would be okay with this?

Anyway, you have a right to be concerned and if you're not then you should be. It's obvious she is impressed with him in some sort of way which can eventually lead to if not already, some sort of infatuation and she'll want to be with him. Time to sever the bullshit. Next time she brings him up, just be direct about it. Tell her you didn't get with her to sit and listen to her talk about this lame ass dude all day and if that's all she cares to talk about then she should go be with him instead of sitting in your face smiling about another guy. She should respect that if her relationship with you is more important then with this so called friend of hers. You have a right to express your feelings so do it.

[Wakeup]

Did they take swimming together in Gym, Op? I bet that's the cause of all this. lol

[michelle23]

It doesnt sound silly at all. If shes in a relationship then there has to be boundaries with male friends and shes breaking a lot of them. Have you told her how you feel about this? If yes and shes ignored your feelings and has continued with this disrespectful behavior then my only advice is dump her. Sorry I know you are looking for solutions but in these situations-there rarely is any.