How do I communicate better with my boyfriend?

[Marie1980]

I am not good at talking and I know this. I am also aware that communication is part of a relationship. For the past few days things have been tense between me and my boyfriend because I don't open my mouth and talk to him. Few examples: I'll go to my neighbors house and won't ask him if it's ok or if he has anything planned. I seem to just go off and do things without going to him first. I guess he just had enough yesterday because he sat up half the night screaming and cursing at me. He also says that I act too tough and manly and it feels like I'm challenging him. He will get upset and tell me he is going to "**** me up". And I always laugh at him and say "whatever, you say the same thing everyday. We both know you won't and can't". But I mean that's just how I am and I don't back down to anyone. It's confusing though because last night when once again he was supposedly gonna "**** me up" I just kept my mouth shut and that pissed him off even more.

[basilandthyme]

The start to better communication would be to realise that it's *not all about you*. To be a good partner, you need to be considerate your partner's feelings - and act accordingly.

It's unfortunate that he was screaming and yelling at you over your behaviour. A far better response would have been to reserve his dignity and simply dump you.

[Rowen]

The start to better communication would be to realise that it's *not all about you*. To be a good partner, you need to be considerate your partner's feelings - and act accordingly.

It's unfortunate that he was screaming and yelling at you over your behaviour. A far better response would have been to reserve his dignity and simply dump you.

I'd like to go a step further here, actually...

Saying that he's going to "**** you up" is not really the kind of thing anyone should say when they're upset with their partner... Not to mention, the fact that he feels emasculated by you suggests to me that he wants you to change who you are for him...which is a no, no. A real partner should be able to accept you as you are, regardless of your personality traits.

So, here's what I would say to him... "When you yell and say you want me to be more feminine, I feel like you're controlling me. I want you to accept me as I am."

This is what they call an I statement, and they're used in therapy as a way of calmly and rationally expressing your feelings and declaring what you want...and I give you that one because I don't think he's being fair to you.

It's one thing to ask for consideration; it's an entirely different thing to ask someone to be something different than they are.
Hope this helps.

[XyOh]

Holy hell.

Well, this sounds like a mess.

For the past few days things have been tense between me and my boyfriend because I don't open my mouth and talk to him. Few examples: I'll go to my neighbors house and won't ask him if it's ok or if he has anything planned. I seem to just go off and do things without going to him first.

I would like to address that you are your own person and unless he's your father and you are in need of a guardian, you don't need his permission to go anywhere and he doesn't have the right to be upset. If he has plans, then he needs to communicate them to you. It's not your responsibility to make yourself available to him at all times. If there's a pattern to your relationship where say it's normal for you to hang out on Saturday nights, then it's best to simply shoot him a text and say, "Hey, planning to do something else, but I thought I'd let you know in case you had plans and forgot to ask me." Or you can simply text, "Hey, I'm going to do this tonight. I know we usually hang out, so I thought I'd let you know. Want to see each other tomorrow? Love ya."

Both of these examples are considerate and also observe that they show your independence. When he makes plans you can also refuse. Do what you want, but be courteous. Never submissive.

I guess he just had enough yesterday because he sat up half the night screaming and cursing at me.

There is no reason for anyone to be screaming ever unless they are on fire, are at a soccer game, just got shot, are being chased by a man with a hockey mask and a chainsaw, are being violently tickled, ... I think you get my drift.

You need to put an end to the screaming. Unless you guys are mutants and being within 50ft of each other causes a nuclear reaction, then there's no reason to yell. Tell him to get his anger in check. Remind him often. If he can't, I suggest leaving him. People that can't prevent themselves from having the temper tantrum of a two year old don't deserve loving and fulfilling relationships. They deserve bottles, diapers, and naptime.

He also says that I act too tough and manly and it feels like I'm challenging him. He will get upset and tell me he is going to "**** me up".

Well, he's easily threatened, isn't he? Even though you may feel like he doesn't have a propensity for violence doesn't mean that idle threats such as this are okay. If I were you and I was head over heals for this guy, the moment he said this, I would have said, "Buh bye!" He's highly insecure. HIGHLY .. oh so HIGHLY insecure. Insecure men who make threats can eventually act on them and he sounds insecure enough to do it. Why wait around to find out? Is your love that cheaply given? Real men are not threatened by the masculinity of other people. Why? Because they know it doesn't affect their own masculinity. I suggest you leave him to be honest. Not going to? I suggest you leave him if he says it even one more time and let him know it.

And I always laugh at him and say "whatever, you say the same thing everyday. We both know you won't and can't". But I mean that's just how I am and I don't back down to anyone. It's confusing though because last night when once again he was supposedly gonna "**** me up" I just kept my mouth shut and that pissed him off even more.

Well, we've finally reached the part of this post that deals with communication. Ridiculing him isn't communication. Telling him you're sorry that you haven't been a better communicator is. However, he needs to learn how to communicate also. Cursing and threatening violence is not communication. If he's really not as terrible as you're making him sound, I suggest you tell him that you want to make him happy and if the two of you can talk it out, tell each other how you feel about the problems you're having, and figure out solutions, then that would be way more productive than yelling back and forth at each other. If the two of you are both heated, try to take time outs and come back to the conversation after fifteen or twenty minutes. If it gets heated again, take another time out. Then remember to get back to the conversation. This can be tiresome, but the more you communicate, the better it will get. It will take less and less time the more you practice.

Hopefully, he's not as bad as you're making him sound, but if he's cussing and telling you he's going to F*** you up, I highly recommend that you make your peace and say adieu. He's not worth your time.

[Marie1980]

Thanx for the responses. I didn't think of my laughing at his threats as ridiculing him at the time. But I guess I can see how that would piss someone off. But seriously I don't laugh to be mean, I'm a silly person and I try to make a joke out of it to get him laughing. I have started giving him a heads up on where I'm going and if I'm going to be gone for long. No he doesn't call n check up on me every hr. Today we almost got into it because he said something and I didn't hear him clearly and he started acting all possessed and well his attitude made me get an attitude. But it didn't last long he said what he had to say (no I didn't laugh at him) I kept my mouth shut walked away for five minutes. Came back and told him I was sorry for getting an attitude and I also told him I had a wonderful day with him (he took me to meet his sister, neice, and nephew) he apologized too and admitted he can be selfish and pigheaded at times.

[Rowen]

OP, please just be careful...
And if you should ever need our advice/help, please know that we're here for you...whatever circumstance, whatever time...whatever. :S

[UnconLove4All]

I think you are clearly in an abusive relationship.
My personal advice would be to break it off.
Although it does depend on your tolerance.