giving incentives vs. being honest about boundaries

[fiftyeight]

The title is probably pretty obscure, so I'll clarify what is meant.

I have in mind the type of conflicts in which one partner does something wrong and has the choice whether the tell the other partner.

Take for example cheating, say A is cheating on B. cynically speaking, A has no incentive to tell B that he is cheating on him. As if A tells B, B might leave him, and A doesn't want that.
Then how can B act pre-emptively to make sure A is not cheating?
Say B wants to levae the relationship if A cheats, i.e B does not tolerate cheating at all.

One possibility is that B tells A that as long as A is honest, B will not be angry. Or perhaps just say that honesty is most important and saying cheating does hurt, but not specify it is a tiebreaker.
Intuitively, this will make A more probable to tell B.
So B is more probable to know about the cheating and have the possibility of leaving the relationship.

Another possibility seems that B just tells A he will leave if A cheats. But then again, A has a very strong incentive to hide it.

This story may seem a bit funny, and perhaps I am a cynical person, but I have a tendency to think people will mostly act on their incentives and so giving them the right incentives is a smart thing to do.

In the example above, B being honest might actually not be in his best favor, because it gives A a strong incentive to hide it if he's cheating.

I am thinking just of the general case, the scenario is A did something wrong and has a choice whether to tell B or not. If he doesn't, B will never know.
And say for B this wrongdoing is a red line that should not be crossed, to the point of leaving A.
Should B just tell A it is a red line for him, or should he leave it vague and just tell A that it would hurt him, but honesty is the most important thing to him. So as to facilitate honesty on A's side.

This is kind of an exercise in game theory I guess

I am aware that real life is not game theory, and people have a conscience. I know I would not be able to cheat or lie to someone I love. But I am not such a trusting person I guess, and I want to try to facilitate as much honesty as possible from the other person in any relationship I have.
This is especially relevant to the beginning of a relationship I guess, when you do not have that much trust yet.

[XyOh]

You can't solve relationships the way you would solve a story math problem. This isn't logic class, it's real people with real circumstances and histories. If you want a black and white answer, no matter how you look at it, A and B are not meant to be together. A does not respect B enough to refrain from cheating or even being honest. A should respect themselves and their own sense of dignity and be honest with B regardless of what the repercussions might be. Honesty is not about outcome. It's about integrity.

[MrLoyal]

Algebra? I thought this was love forum.

[TheEvilJester]

I do think it is an interesting conversation. Honestly, though, I think it is a bit of a moot point when you get down to it. I don't think you should necessarily say, in any relationship, whether or not cheating would be an instant make or break for you. To me, it should be pretty much understood that cheating is wrong, so it should just go without saying. If somebody is low enough to do it, they don't deserve to feel some solace that, if they are honest, maybe they can work through it with their partner and eventually be okay.

Fact of the matter is that is not something that will ever stay hidden forever. So, try to hide it or not, it will come to light. Not to mention, as much as you may think one way or the other (that cheating is an instant deal breaker for you, or that you'd at least want honesty and may be able to try working through it) you really don't know how you feel unless it happens. If the person is important enough to you, and it does happen, you may find yourself wanting to at least give them a chance even though you thought you wouldn't, and vice versa. Frankly, no reaction is right or wrong in that situation, because cheating is VERY wrong, so you have a right to feel however you would as result.

[dem862]

I was with a girl who cheated. I found out and confronted her with irrefutable evidence and she still denied it. It was as if she thought she could negate the truth with the power of her assertions alone. However, cheating was not the problem. I would have been open to an open relationship, but she wanted me to remain faithful, while she played around. She could not realistically propose that as an option because it was overwhelmingly in her favor, so she played around while pretending to be faithful (i.e. cheating), so that I would remain faithful to her. She had low self-esteem and felt I would leave her if she allowed anybody else to get to know me. I even proposed an open relationship, and she would not hear of it. In the end, it was not the cheating that caused our break-up, but rather her dishonesty and hypocrisy. She still has multiple lovers, even without me in the picture. It is very unfortunate that unscrupulous behavior can be rewarding, but such is life. All the more reason why those who have integrity should seek others who do as well.

[chinagirl]

There are possible scenarios that you placed in your thread. The truth of the matter is there is no telling what can happen when a partner cheats unless it actually happens to you in real life.

You can easily say that one is not the type of person to forgive when a person cheats, but when the situation actually happens to you, you may realize that if the relationship is precious enough for both parties, it has a potential to be saved specially if both partners are willing to work in resolving the problem and getting through the difficult trial and tribulation together.

[michelle23]

You should just say honesty is important to you and you want a relationship with no lies. Make that clear in the beginning. There is no point telling someone "if you ever do this or that I will leave you" coz it sounds like a threat and shows insecurity and lack of trust.

Plus a lot of people go into denial or shock at first when they are cheated on and they dont leave straight away. You dont know how you will react unless it happens.

Just follow your gut in relationships. If it feels wrong, it probably is. If your unlucky enough to end up with a cheat-they will lie. Even if you catch them at it, they will still try to convince you your crazy or its your fault.. once they lie once, they have to keep lying to cover up each lie.. and it gets to the point where they cant even remember which lies they have told.

The truth always comes out at some point so dont even worry about it. If it happens, it happens. You will get over it

[TheEvilJester]

Of course, if you get caught cheating, you could always go with the Shaggy method of getting out of it:



For some reason, this thread made me think of this song. LOL!