2 Dating Strategies Analyzed, which one works for you?

[Mish]

Below are only my concepts and not a gospel. I agree to disagree with the ones who disagree with them. Please refer to them as my personal opinions which may not be perfect, but are never the less honest.

I think if a good majority of people gets involved in this discussion, it will be a very positive experience for the whole dating community of this site. Please please please don't let this thread die out. Add you experiences below and find out about experiences of other people. Next time when you date, it will make it that much easier knowing the opinions of the larger dating community that exists out there.

The ones after the quick version, please read the quick rundown

The ones after a more in depth version please read above and my personal opinion

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The Quick Run Down

Please describe which Dating Strategy works for you:

1. Looking for the one. A person that corresponds to your ideal. Usually this ideal will come with a list of qualities. Potential partners that do not satisfy this criteria are automatically discarded.

Benefits: Finding a partner with ideal qualities you are looking for, partner with qualities that match the ones of the searcher, happiness from being with the partner right for you, no regrets in the future for settling for second best, incentive to give more than you take in the relationship, benefits of ideal qualities such as (good looks, good humour, good sex life, money, success etc...)

Detriments: Partners of this caliber are hard to find, hard to tame and hard to keep. High emotional, material and time investment. uncertainty in whether ideal partner feels the same way about you.

2. Going with the one who wants to be with you. A person who you know will stay with you because you yourself satisfy their ideal or because they are attracted to you or are in love with you.

Benefits: Finding a partner who in many cases will stay loyal, treat you with respect, look after you and not betray your trust. Easier to find than partners who satisfy your ideal. Chance to gain relationship experience. Chance to find out more about yourself. Chance to find a true soulmate (Not based on ideals).

Detriments: Partner will lack on some levels such as (looks, personality, humour) who may have unussual habits or strict environment in which they live. You may regret settling with this partner and look for more "Ideal" qualities in the future.

There is a third option of finding someone in between of the two examples above, but where do you draw the line? Which one do you strife more towards, the ideal qualities (1st) or the belonging qualities in the partner (2nd)? (Please avoid philosophical concepts such as rare partners with both qualities, partners with no qualities and partners with multiple personalities)

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My personal Opinion

Although the dating scene is a lot more complicated than just the two concepts described above, I find that in many cases the choice really comes down to either of the two.

There are potential ideal partners. They can be your co workers, your fellow students, your mates, your neighbours and just people you know. Although not easy to find, when you are with them you know that they meet your search criteria on many levels. You know this is the partner you want and if you are with them you are not settling. Because of their qualities (Not a solid concept because these qualities will differ), they are ussually rated high on the dating scene and thus are hard to find.

The school of thought behind the search for this partner is the need to not settle for anything second best. The person knows his/her worth and will avoid associating with anyone they consider inferior or not a perfect match. If this person does settle for second best, they feel unhappy in the relationship and leave to pursue the partner which they see having ideal qualities they require to be happy.

There are potential belonging partners I believe the majority of people. Who will rarely satisfy fully a selection criteria. Chances are a partner like this will be lacking on some levels (Looks, personality, style, humour), but will be attracted to you and be willing to pursue a relationship with you. Ussually, these are the people you can trust and are the people who will love you.

School of thought behind dating this partner is not to pass on opportunities, gain experience and find out more about the person you yourself are. It is also a chance to take a leap of faith and overstep your shallowness in search for a true soulmate (Outside of artificial or honest ideal boundaries).

I find that in many cases we have double standards. E.g. Look for an ideal but settle for a belonging partner. Or settle with the belonging partner to leave him/her for an ideal. There are people who look for just an ordinary person, but hypocritically will only accept the one who fit their ideal criteria. There are people who consider themselves high maintenance, but go with anyone that comes their way.

When answering this question, please outline both your rational preference and live preference (I.e. what you wanted and what you ended up going with)

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This part is about me, so you can skip it if you don't want to read any more

Personally i have been with both, the partners who met my ideal criteria and belonging partners who loved me (And i slowly ended up falling in love with them)

After being shamelessly dumped by my ex for wanting comittment in the relationship i have ventured back into the dating world. It's not easy out here my friends. There had been many rejections and many compromises had been made. BUT there has also been a lot of acceptance, new contacts had been established, new opporunities had been found and the contact list is growing day by day

The dating market is not an easy place. It is a harsh place, a place of hard bargains, sacrifices and a fading line between whats right and wrong. It is also a place where a lot of experience can be obtained and new confidence in one self can be found. If not now, then soon i will be nearing a point where some decisions and choices will have to be made. I am really looking forward to making the right one

Thank you for reading this far, i look forward to reading your opinions...

Respect...

[updraft]

Ok well, I read the first part and I agree with your "quick rundown" .

As for my previous men: My first real bf (and my daughter's father) was certainly not my ideal one and he wanted to be with me for financial gains and sex. I got pregnant after 6 months of dating ....we split up when my baby was 2.

The next bf who became my husband was a waste of space. In the beginning, I thought he was close to my ideal, we spent 7+ years together (on and off) In the end, he wanted to be with me more than I did with him and it ended in divorce.

I have to say I feel lucky since after 12 years of hell with two exes, I think I have found my "ideal one", who just happens to be the one who wants to be with me. We love each other very much. This is probably the rarest type of scenario. We met online on a dating website and have been together for a year and a half and still going strong. He has even hinted at a marriage proposal....

Interesting thread, very insightful, hope it gets more responses.

[Prodigal]

What a great thread... after thinking about it, your theory really does seem to hold. Your last paragraph is what comes out strongest, at least to me. How true that is, yet how much I wish it wasn't.

So then, 'true' or honestly fulfilling love... would this only come in the situation that you go for the ideal, you find the ideal, and the ideal wants you too? One in which BOTH are filled? If so, then what is being satisfied when you are one who goes for the one that wants to be with you? To me, it doesn't seem as if this option satisfies things... yeah, the person wants you, but what if you don't really want that person? And in that case, is it fair to that person (because you don't really want him/her)? Is it fair to yourself?

[Aaron Blanc]

I would have to say that based on the Type 1 description, it will not be a very happy relationship. Do not forget, what bonds two people together, is the way they can both complement eachother. If you are in a relationship where you are not as "ideal" as you parter, then you are putting in alot of work, and still falling to sleep every night feeling insecure. The only reason you will love them, is simply the fact that they are still with you. You will be in love with the ideal person, but will they be with you? Then, if you are just as ideal as your partner, what do you need from them? and what do they need from you? What can both of you possibly offer eachother? What is either of you missing? These answers remain too empty.

In my own opinion. There is no ideal person. This means, there is no ideal partner. Everyone has faults, everyone has imperfections. What upset me was the part that I read about "training your partner". If I recall correctly, it was worded as "training him". I do not see why women find the need to train their partner the way they see fit. Men learn to accept the way their partner is, becomes, and will be. It is only fair that women respect this and do the same. It is this exact aspect of a relationship that creates a strong bond. A great bond is formed when two complements meet. If someone insecure were to fall in love with someone supportive, that would be a perfect example of a strong bond. The person who would be insecure would benefit from the support of their partner, and their partner would benefit from their support being respected and accepted. This is very common, and this is the backbone of many unbreakable and forever enduring relationships. Insecure people are not weak, but rather need attention, and need comforting, and much love. Supportive people are ready to give alot of love away, they feel the need to, along with the need to feel that the love and care they are giving away is being respected. The types of relationships that are just under this ladder, but just as successful are those of the submisive and dominant partners. This is when one partner will tend to be more dominant than the other more submisive partner. These relationships last quite well. They start to fall apart when the either the dominant type starts to demand too much, or the submisive type will begin to not take it anymore. As you can see, one can not happen without the other, and therefore, both will be at fault.

Moral of the story, the quality relationships work out between two people that are both type 2. My wife told me herself. She would have still stayed with me till this day if I wasn't planning of becoming a doctor, if I would be a banker, a salesperson, a clerk, anything... She would still love me. We both believe that money and love do not go hand and hand. If you are falling in love for someone because of money, this is the wrong reason to fall in love. If both of you can learn to accept and support eachother's faults and insecurities, then you can get through anything life will throw at you during the way.

[Lloyd95]

Great thread. I would have to go with #1, the ideal. Mainly b/c I for one, would never settle. I would hope my SO wouldn't either, as that could lead to resentment, envy , unfulfillment etc. later on down the road.

I do, however, have to disagree with Aaron on this:

We both believe that money and love do not go hand and hand. If you are falling in love for someone because of money, this is the wrong reason to fall in love. If both of you can learn to accept and support eachother's faults and insecurities, then you can get through anything life will throw at you during the way.

I believe that money issues are the number one cause of divorce. I for one, am going thru this exact same situation-money problems. I am headed down the road to divorce, not my doing, however, money issues inevitably took hold over love, kids etc.

[shh!]

secret revealved... Sorry to hear about your troubles, Lloyd. Money issues are, indeed, the root of all evil. Well, almost all. Lust is the other root.

[Ellynn]

Well I would not just be with someone who wants to be with me. If I can't stand to be around him after awhile and he gets on my nerves....forget it.( been there done that). I have also given a guy a chance becuz he liked me....and that didn't always work. Sure I fell for some after awhile...but intitally I wanna be interested.
I wanna really like the guy.....and he has to have things about him that match what i want in a guy.

I guess I go with a mixture of 1&2. I do want someone who wants to be with me....but I also want someone who is my ideal partner. I have a list of what I want in a guy. I am flexible when it comes to some things and not when it comes to others. I have tried compromising in the past....but I found out that .....that doesn't always work well. I want to be able to be myself..and be respected for who I am......instead of changing for someone.

For example...things I will not compromise on:

1. I smoke. Yes its a bad habit.....but I'm not gonna change my habits for anyone but myself. I am respectful when it comes to people who honestly can't stand to be around it....so I'll cut back or I'll go outside and light up. If someone tells me they couldn't date a smoker or they tell me to quit....then well.....they won't be dating me. Because its something that I do right now...and even though I don't plan on doing it forever....I'm not gonna be forced into changing for someone ......and will do it when I feel I am ready...

2. I want someone with futuristic goals.
Doesn't mean they have to make alot of money...but at least have a plan set up ....so they are able to support themselves or a family. I had an ex who couldn't keep a job.....didn't really care.....and always went to mom and dad to bail him out. Or the worst was when I was asked to give the guy money on a regular basis. That pissed me off when here I am working hard and going back to school soon so I can support myself comfortably someday. I expect the same from a guy.

3. The guy cannot have kids.
Honestly I love kids. They are awesome.. I want some of my own someday. But honestly I don't want to deal with it right now. I'm only 23 and want to have fun. I don't want to play the step-mother....and don't want to deal with the baggage of ex's that comes along with kids. Just my opinion.

4. The guy must be able to drive and have his own car.
I don't care if the car is a piece of sh*t....but it has to be wheels so he can get around. I used to play taxi with a bunch of my ex's and it was ok when I was younger....but by the time your in your 20s....a guy should at least have a way of getting around without being dependent on others. It gets old if your constantly driving someone around.

5. Loyalty and Honesty
These two are a must. If I hear he cheated on his last gf.....or that he lied and he's braggin about it. He has no chance with me. Right away the trust issue comes up.(big red flag)...and I dont want to deal with that.

6. Drinking
Heck I'm down with a drink here and there....and sometimes just getting drunk. But if its a daily/weekly routine of getting smashed....then forget it.

7. Drugs of any kind.
I say this because I personally am against it. Weed....well people do that..and its common. Just don't be doing it around me. But then I dated a guy who was addicted to painkillers and I'll tell you thats not fun to be around. Plus I hear its a pretty expensive habit. Don't want to deal with it again..been there ...done that. It gets old.

8. A possessive guy
Someone who tells me what I can and can't do. Tells me how to dress....how to wear my makeup..... Is insecure if I hang with my friends.
Won't deal with it. If I can't be myself....there is NO guy that I'm gonna put up with..... My friend put up with it for 5 years before she actually FINALLY had the guts to tell him where to go.....

9. Plain old Immaturity
Well Im immature at times....we all are. I'm down with acting goofy/crazy....but not all the time. I do not get a kick out of guys who do immature stuff like throwing barbeque packs at cars and laughing.... That was maybe funny in high school......but not anymore. Basically I want a guy who acts his age. Someone who knows when its time to be serious and when its ok to joke around.

10. Sense of Humor
I wanna laugh....and not to just make him happy(even though his jokes suck)......but I want to honestly find him funny. I want a guy who can joke....and make me laugh. Laughter is a must. Even if his humor is sarcastic.....still can be very funny. I don't want a guy who is DEAD serious all the time......boring...

11. Family
My family is very important to me. Especially my mom. If a guy isn't cool with that...then forget it. I also want a guy who values his family as well. I don't want him to be so attached that he still has to cut the darn umbilical cord....but I do want him to realize how important they are. I guess I learned the value of my family having lost my dad to a heart attack suddenly last yr....and dealing with my mom's bone cancer/kidney failure the past couple of years.

12. Sex
Yes, I've had it....and yes I'm into it. But I refuse to marry a guy before having sex w/ him(my preference). But also....I don't want to be pressured into it right away. I think it happens when it feels right. The less a guy pressures me .....the more I'm wanting to do it.... I have been threatened before that the guy would go elsewhere for it if I didn't do it....and I told him to go....and leave me the fvck alone!

13. Settling Down
I want a guy who sees settling down in the future a possibility. I don't expect it from him right away....but I do want someone who has that in mind for sometime later on in life(whether it ends up being with me or someone else). I mean why date someone who would never want to marry(which I do btw) someday. Also I do want kids....and a guy who could never see being a father.....would not be someone I would be interested in pursuing. I mean Yeah I could just date and have fun.....but why even bother when I know right away off the bat its never gonna go anywhere. I wanna at least see some potential......otherwise whats the point?

Since having/seeing all of these experiences.....I learned that these are issues that I will NOT compromise on. It was funny because I used to be so different....and didn't care so much as long as I had a bf....but now its important. I mean dating and relationships .....whether good or bad.....make you really figure out qualities you like and dislike in others. They really are a learning experience....and eventually you make a list up in your head of what you like/dislike. Whether I find what IM looking for....who knows?....but I will NOT settle! No one should!

[Mish]

Thank you for your responses everyone

Aaron, i think relationships will require a whole different thread. Something as deep and as pertinent as relationships belongs in a whole different section. I would like to focus more on dating experience if possible.

I guess the real question is, when you date, do you look for a person who is good looking, has a good sense of humour, is successful in his/hers career, has similar interests and hobbies to you, accepted by your friends and your family (You see where i am going with this, building up a list and criteria) OR do you overlook certain qualities and take a leap of faith with someone different to your usual shopping list (in hopes to find a partner who simply may belong with you or is your soulmate or to build experience)? If it is the mixture of 1 and 2 then which one do you care about more, (1) match of your criteria or (2) belonging quality of the potential partner to you? (Which one do you compromise more? Or you don't look at all and let them come to you?)

There is nothing wrong with either 1st or the 2nd strategy that i can see. I find that a partner with a full combination of two qualities is very rare.

I guess, the real goal here is to find out people's experience with dating. What kind of partners worked for them, what kind did not and for what reason.

Once again, thank you for your responses everyone. I think we are going somewhere with this...

Respect...

[Ellynn]

Yes, the mixture of the two is very hard to find. But I tend to go more for type 1 I think.

I also wanted to add:

14. Relating
I want to relate to the guy. I wanna have something in common with him or share some of the same interests and goals. We don't have to be identical....but I do want someone who I share similiar interests with. I still am open to other ones btw.

[Fawn]

Well, in dating, I usually look for #1, but I tend to end up with the #2 type. No idea how that one works out for me. *shrugs*

[Lloyd95]

Ellyn, I see you being single for a looooonnngg time. I kid, of course! wow, a 14 step criteria; do you have a checklist for your dates when they show up? What exactly is you're screening process?

I think the answer of "I'm kinda both #1 and #2" is the easy way out.....shades of grey sort of thing. Just pick one that most describes you-I think that's the point here.

[Ellynn]

Well...I dont have an actual checklist....but these are things IM looking for....
Once I talk to a guy and if i see any big red flags...then i decide what to do from there.

[smilingeyes]

Wow, what a great topic. I would have to say I tend to lean towards type#2. I agree with Ellynn on having certain things that are a definite Yes or No, but overall I know that as I get older my ideas will change, as will my idea of the "ideal" man and my "list" of things I will and will not tolerate. Personally, I find it hard to have an "idea" partner in mind. It takes a lot of trial and error to really know in the first place what you want, and that particular trait could be at different sides of the spectrum for each individual. Plus, as I said before, people change, what happens if you find and stick with your "ideal" partner, and as time goes on, they change, or you change, your ideas change. I definitely agree with Aaron, it is best to find some that compliments you, but I'll go one step further and say it is wonderful to have someone that challenges you too, but hey thats just me. I believe that if you go out there with a preset idea in your head, there is a good chance you will never be satisfied. If you are looking for a long term relationship, remember that there are a lot of things that don't last, looks, money, a good job, security, sex; try to look beyond the superficial stuff a lot of people put on their "ideal" list. Just my 2 cents.

[fear_21]

Ok well, I read the first part and I agree with your "quick rundown" .

As for my previous men: My first real bf (and my daughter's father) was certainly not my ideal one and he wanted to be with me for financial gains and sex. I got pregnant after 6 months of dating ....we split up when my baby was 2.

The next bf who became my husband was a waste of space. In the beginning, I thought he was close to my ideal, we spent 7+ years together (on and off) In the end, he wanted to be with me more than I did with him and it ended in divorce.

I have to say I feel lucky since after 12 years of hell with two exes, I think I have found my "ideal one", who just happens to be the one who wants to be with me. We love each other very much. This is probably the rarest type of scenario. We met online on a dating website and have been together for a year and a half and still going strong. He has even hinted at a marriage proposal....

Interesting thread, very insightful, hope it gets more responses.

get a robot or a dog

[fear_21]

Ellyn, I see you being single for a looooonnngg time. I kid, of course! wow, a 14 step criteria; do you have a checklist for your dates when they show up? What exactly is you're screening process?

I think the answer of "I'm kinda both #1 and #2" is the easy way out.....shades of grey sort of thing. Just pick one that most describes you-I think that's the point here.

no wonder shes single, she made up a cheklist like im going to the market...omg! well i dont think any guy would get out with such a woman, or would leave her soon...normal one.
I think love just comes, let it happen damit! Women are to much looking on a relationship like on...buisines. There are couples together their life long and never had this "he/she has to be.." bull***t on their minds. I mean, our parrents for example did not meet and ran down a checklist to see if thats the right one, and their happy...i can say their are. But nowdays girls have to be important and high-class bit***s, i wish i were back in the 70's, some things were so easy, well at least i was told so...dont know why that.