Blocked and kicked out of his life because I wanted to watch the soccer.

[Anna1408]

Hi everyone.

My guy blocked me on FB and in Gmail and sent two abusive "we're finished" emails because I told him I wouldn't be coming online as early as usual as I wanted to see the world cup football match. Normally he likes to chat to me (love stuff) on FB at my bedtime, before I sleep. During the World Cup I had told him about three times that I may not be online as normal or that I would be later by about half an hour. He sounded a little put out but I rarely skip chances to meet with him as I love him very much. But last Sunday night he got in a strange mood. He said he hated himself for wanting me and needing me so much and later he demanded that I give up the football for him. He started saying I "love" the football more than him and all kinds of other irrational things. I was a bit dumbfounded as I sensed he was trying to control me. I'm really upset as he had told me only that same morning how much money he has saved for our new life together, and had been sending me lots of love messages, etc.

His emails were very rude ("I sh.. on your football matches and on you", etc). Was it really so unreasonable to just want to see a few (only about 3 or 4) football matches during the month of the World Cup and therefore to meet him online late? I'm a bit lost as I love this man very much and want him back.

[Lilia]

The attitude he was giving you is not healthy and it is not just controlling and needy, it is also very abusive.
I think you know it too but sometimes it is hard to admit it when you love a person.

[Anna1408]

yes Lilia I agree. I do want him back but I won't contact him and grovel coz I don't want him to think that I will allow him to do this again. If he contacts me (which I suspect he may do, judging by past episodes) I just don't know how I will deal with it. Whether to answer him straight away or just be cool and leave it for a certain time before responding. I have been with him for almost two years and this isn't the first time he has behaved like this.

[Lilia]

yes Lilia I agree. I do want him back but I won't contact him and grovel coz I don't want him to think that I will allow him to do this again. If he contacts me (which I suspect he may do, judging by past episodes) I just don't know how I will deal with it. Whether to answer him straight away or just be cool and leave it for a certain time before responding. I have been with him for almost two years and this isn't the first time he has behaved like this.

I was in an abusive relationship for 4 years and sometimes I'd wait for a week or two before responding to his apology, sometimes a day or two, or I;d answer his msg right away. I had the same illusions that it can change the way he treats me. But it didn't change anything.
I thought "I'll wait longer this time. He should know that he hurt my feelings and I have self-respect." or next time I'd think 'I'll confront him and we will talk it out and I'll say that it can't go on like this anymore. He must change or I will leave" Or I thought that if I really really explained to him how much he is hurting me he would change. And if I show him how much I love him if I show him how much I care for him, he will stop doing it to me. But you know what? He never changed, no matter what I did. So my advice: it doesn't matter at all how long you wait before you reply to his msg. The only way to deal with it is to talk about it and if he doesn't change, leave.

[Anna1408]

Yeah that sounds a lot like what I have gone through. My guy even admits that he hurts me. He said recently that the problem is if I hurt him he will come back at me ten times harder. He says it is in him to do that. We have a strangely intense love relationship for 3/4 of the time that is then brought crashing down by his (usually jealous or insecure) rages. I don't think he will change, to be honest. I was always hoping I could manage it but when he behaves like this it just gets so hurtful and also makes me angry.

[nico88]

Anna1408, I'm telling you this for your own good..you shouldn't be worrying a **** about this guy. He's manipulative, controlling, and abusive. That's not the kind of person you want to be in any sort of relationship with. If he acted like this over you not being online for a little while imagine what it will be like when actual problems arise in your relationship. Right now it's only emotional abuse (which shouldn't be over looked) but it could lead to physical abuse as well.

I think him cutting you off was actually a blessing in disguise. If he tries to contact you in the future I wouldn't respond to him. You deserve to be treated better than that you know?

[Anna1408]

Yes nico I do deserve better. It's just that when he is being normal, he is so wonderful to me. I guess he has a Jekyl and hyde character. The other day, just before the fight started about the football he said "You know I will never let you go. I will never allow you to escape." So this worried me as it sounded like a threat.

Recently he was jealous about some guy posting on my FB page, and of my having other friends there. He demanded my password so he could go in and check everything. At first I said no but then he said if I didn't, we were finished. So I relented and gave him the password. He deleted all my friends, my posts, my messages,everything. And he said from now on the only friend I can have on FB is him. So I do get warning signals about this. But I am deeply in love with his good side and all this hurts so much. One voice in me says go but my heart tells me to stay.

[smackie9]

LDR's are a waste of time. This relationship would only have worked if he could be there in person going out with you......stop this relationship and having ones like it.

[Anna1408]

Yeah it is long distance, although I have in the last year managed to spend time with him here and there. He did ask me to marry him and he is now saving money for our life together and has moved into the house where we were supposed to be going to live. Well, that's the way he intended it until this last outburst anyway...

I'm not really that worried about it being long distance. The thing that worries me more is the way his anger gets out of control and just burns on and on for days. I think for me that's more the problem than it being long distance. I really don't think I can live with these bouts of irrational fury. But the thing is I'm just highlighting here his bad points. The good points he has are what makes it so difficult for me to say goodbye.

[smackie9]

People promise all kinds of things during the honeymoon period of a relationship, but majority of the time it's just the infactuation talking. So take what they say with a grain of salt.

I've been in an abusive relationship as well. This cycle will not stop unless you stay out of the relationship. I totally understand that the emotional attactment is keeping you from leaving him BUT it also stops you from seeing the reality of how unhealthy this relationship is. His bad points are unacceptable in a relationship and shouldn't be tolerated just because you are in love. This situation has brought you hear for a reason, and you are getting a outsiders point of view, but you are also getting the prespective from those who have been through a relationship like this. We all got out, and for me I never regretted leaving.

[TablesandChairs]

You know why this is sad? Because you're yet to meet a great partner; one that would never, ever abuse you in any way. And, if you stay with him, you'll never find out what that's like.

[Korder]

Um... I know it may sound kind of hursh, but maybe he tried to find a reason to break up with you? Like set it up in a way where it is your fault rather than his?