Boyfriend in contact with people he liked before

[lesarbres]

-Dating for nearly a year

-Had agreement to not talk to exes. I wanted it to include people he's liked and chased for long time as well, he vehemently defended. My stance is sparks can fly again. His stance is they are just friends, not special entities like exes. I didn't agree but I let it go. So agreement is to not initiate convo with people he liked and chased before unless absolute necessary.

-There's this one girl he chased and messages and emails pretty often until we had the discussion/agreement previously mentioned. Stopped for a while, now, it's increasing in frequency again. Checking facebook, messaging etc. Recently searched "suddenly missing ex" on my phone, tried to delete safari history but didn't delete google search history. Theoretically she's not his ex.

I feel rubbish, but I don't know what to do. I've not spoken to him about this.

Should I let it go, because sometimes people do miss their exes and need some time to themselves? Or should I mention that if he promised me to not initiate convos unless absolutely necessary, and asking her about summer and chatting about it isn't imo absolutely necessary, then he should keep to that or at least have a chat with me first?

[fearoflove]

I don't understand couples who agree on these kinds of things. Before marriage, you are both technically single. Did you force him to agree to to these restrictions? If so, you should have never done that. Something like this should come voluntarily.

[lesarbres]

Hey, I agree it should come naturally. However, I felt it was also important I expressed how uncomfortable I was with what he was doing. And this was offered as a solution and I believe if you're serious about this, you should at least have the decency to tell me you want to change to the solution, or you cannot offer any solution to my discomfort. What is your take?

I feel my story is pretty similar to this other thread on the "Ask a Female Forum" (31983). The reasons given are very similar, and if there are messages, the content is also very similar to the effect of "How are you, I miss you/*insert past experiences together*. let's meet and catch-up."

How would you suggest I deal with this?

[dontaskme]

There are reasons why the exes are just that, EX. Ex means the past, old flame, former, etc. I don't know why he's contacting and messaging these people but you are definitely right that he should not be doing it. It's disrespectful to you. Talk to him and tell him how you feel. If he doesn't respect your reasonable request, dump him and find someone else who knows how to establish boundaries.

[lesarbres]

Hi,

Thanks for your fast reply.

I think maybe there are two types of people on this forum? People who believe all exes can still be friends, and people who are more or less against this, like you and me?

The development for us for the past week has been that he offered to share with me his browser history password so I know who he's talking to without seeing the convo. I guess I'dve preferred to know what they are talking about but hey I think that's a big move for anyone, so I was really glad he did it. And he made promises again he will not contact them because he "understands" how uncomfortable it makes me. I had asked him repeatedly if he truly understands or is just being placatory, which he responded he really understands, and will not do it again. I guess the result of this talk was that I felt that perhaps I didnt try to understand him enough. Maybe there are valid reasons, right? Maybe I'm just being too insecure. And hey, he even offered me the password.

So today, about 10 days later when everything has been going fine, I wonder to myself if he really stopped talking. Tried to log in with the password he gave, and aha, he has already changed the password. So I don't know what I'm feeling now, upset/cheated/etc? I tried to think in his shoes and whatever valid reasons there are but... it's not really working.

I don't know if I should ask him about this.
And directly ask if he continued chatting with her. etc.

But I get the feeling that it will be futile. He will just delete the convo as he has done in the past. He will just continue hiding things, and now with more expertise. And even if not, it saddens me that my trust in him is just diminishing so fast.

How do I bring things back on track/ Should we even continue dating?

[dontaskme]

Dump this guy, his potential to cheat is extremely high. You can only talk to him about this so much until it becomes a broken record. He's obviously just pacifying your needs to be at ease but he is deceitful by giving you the password and changing it there after. What for? What is this great need to get in touch with the exes?

If I were in your shoes, I would just dump him. A dishonest guy is not worth your time.

[somehelp4me]

Once a guy goes back to talking to women from his past it is usually a red flag that the woman in his present isn't enough for him, he's bored with or the not the one in his opinion.