Never been more confused about a girl. Seriously need advice.

[Pascal_L7]

Hello,
So I've had a girlfriend for 9 months now. Our relationship started out very slowly, only seeing each other once every 3 weeks or so for the first 2 months until agreeing to be exclusive. Pretty normal after that. I'm kind of torn on how I feel about her and I know that if I break it off with her I will be devastating based on how much I believe she loves me.

I'll start with the pros of the relationship:
She is very beautiful, totally trustworthy, and loyal. I never worry about her when she's out with her friends. We were both raised similarly by our parents. She accepts me for who I am. My parents LOVE her. She makes the effort to make the relationship work, always meeting me halfway. Whenever we've had a disagreement and I've asked her to meet one of my needs, she has come through. We are able to chill and watch a movie and SPORTS. She likes to hike explore new cities/sights.

Cons:
The sex is kind of boring. Our sexual chemistry is somewhat bland. I have never had that "lose yourself" feeling when we've kissed or made love, not yet at least. I tend to daydream while we kiss. And sometimes I have difficulty reaching orgasm because of the mediocre connection I feel. Our conversations are not the most stimulating. We don't get very deep into topics, and I find myself to be a relatively deep person. Politics, current events, religion, history, etc., she doesn't engage in these topics as she has little interest whereas I do. Discussions about our childhood don't last very long because she says she barely remembers much from childhood. Her typical day is to work a 12+ hour shift, come home and either work out, hang out with me, or go to bed. We only get a couple of hours to spend together on work nights because of her 12 hour shift(nurse). Also, I am an artist and have tried to share my artwork with her. At first she just didn't seem very interested at all. I was hurt by this, and later did tell her. She has since made an effort to take more of an interest but I still feel she doesn't care as she just isn't that into art in general. I do appreciate her effort though.

In summary, I lack the enthusiasm I would wish for in a relationship. There was a period where I was much more in love with her. Maybe that honeymoon phase is just over. I'm not really sure what to do here. I am a religious man so I pray about it every day. And I do feel like I have received signs that I should stay with her. If you're not religious you won't understand this but I do believe in the voice of God very strongly. And that voice has probably kept me in the relationship longer than I think I would have been. We are both 36. She and I are both looking for someone to marry at this point in our lives so I don't want to make a big decision without really thinking this through.

Am I expecting too much from her or a relationship in general? Do I need to appreciate what I have here and quit complaining, or are my concerns legit? Thanks in advance for the help!

[Korder]

Maybe she is just tired after work, and she does not have the juice to be overly energetic? Maybe YOU have a problem which prevents you from having a good sex life? It is a MUTUAL effort, you know? You sound like a "talk" person, maybe she is more of a "feel" person? Maybe you should start to be more considerate towards her? From the "pros" listed, I kind of got an impression that she makes more effort than YOU do.

I think that you are lucky as it is, and you are just in a state of a "grass is greener on the other side of the fence" kind of thing. Just my opinion again.

[supertwonk]

I agree.. it all seems to be about you...

I think here's what you should do.. given that you have the luxury of being with someone who is prepared to work at your relationship (you just seem to be moaning about it) i would print off your thread here and go through each point you have raised concerns about.

Work out a priority list and TALK TO HER ABOUT THEM .. Also LISTEN TO HER... The voice of god surely would not say her opinion is not valid..

1 ASK HER what makes her passionate while making love

2 ASK HER opinions on art rather than force yours upon her .. sell her your enthusiasm by all means

3 you listed as a pro on her strengths list that she "ACCEPTS YOU FOR WHO YOU ARE" please afford her the same respect.

good luck

[TablesandChairs]

I used to work 12 hour shifts and I can assure you; the last thing I was interested in doing after I came home, exhausted, was show interest in someone's art work, have passionate sex or talk about politics. It's draining, it's exhausting and you lose your zest for life. The only thing you think of is: finish chores - go to bed. It sucks big time but depending on her financial situation, it might be necessary. I only did it for a year and that was more than enough.

If you have more spare time and energy, have you offered to ease her load? Run some of her errands? Ensure she comes home to a house that's clean/dinner cooked?

Or, it could just be that you're incompatible. Her job involves looking after the sick, the frail, the insane (or whatever kind of nursing she does), long periods of time on her feet, standards to adhere to...maybe she just doesn't have the inclination to be part of your more arty world.

[Pascal_L7]

Okay, that is part of what I'm trying to determine. If I'm being selfish, immature, or unrealistic. I do feel like I put in 110% effort and try meeting her half way and listen to her needs. I will ask her for her opinions on art more, that is good advice. Hopefully she won't just shrug it off and not answer, which is a common response for her on many topics, not just art. I do accept her for who she is, and she has actually told me that that is one of the things she loves about me most. I'm just talking about compatibility issues. Emotional and intellectual connection. I do know that she is very tired after work and that is totally understandable. Who wouldn't be after a 12+ hour shift.

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I used to work 12 hour shifts and I can assure you; the last thing I was interested in doing after I came home, exhausted, was show interest in someone's art work, have passionate sex or talk about politics. It's draining, it's exhausting and you lose your zest for life. The only thing you think of is: finish chores - go to bed. It sucks big time but depending on her financial situation, it might be necessary. I only did it for a year and that was more than enough.

If you have more spare time and energy, have you offered to ease her load? Run some of her errands? Ensure she comes home to a house that's clean/dinner cooked?

Or, it could just be that you're incompatible. Her job involves looking after the sick, the frail, the insane (or whatever kind of nursing she does), long periods of time on her feet, standards to adhere to...maybe she just doesn't have the inclination to be part of your more arty world.

Yeah I get that. And I could offer to help her out with some of her errands. We don't live together but when she does come over after work I pretty much always cook something for her. She doesn't get to eat much at work so I worry about her health and try to have a meal ready for her. One of the other problems with her work schedule is that she works an average of 5 days/week. From what she told me, most of her peers work 3 days a week because of the 12.5 hour shift. She used to work 6 to sometimes even 7 days a week before she met me. So apparently she has slowed down for me but it still feels like her work schedule causes problems for her energy and social life.

[TablesandChairs]

Honestly, your passion doesn't have to be her passion. Art bores me to tears; I'm a science person. I can listen to art-talk for a bit...but my attention span will inevitably waiver after a while. Unless it's film, I can talk about that for ages.

People vary - you're not in a relationship with yourself. Nor are you in her shoes...12 hours on your feet taking care of helpless people is very taxing - this is not a pretty world of colours and creativity and what not...it's sickness, it's death, it's pain...in truth, maybe you are incompatible...and that's no ones fault. If your dream is to be with an arty woman who can spend hours talking to you about emotions, art, currant events...then that's who you need to be with.

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She works 62.5 hours per week. When I worked in a hospital, I felt every single one of those 12 hours and I never had time to eat properly, it was always something on the run. Nurses don't make a fortune, even when they're working long shifts, it doesn't add up to a whole lot for the effort put in. Trust me - what you're seeing from her now is not the real her, just as I wasn't the real me when I was working almost twice the average weekly hours.
Her situation may change one day - if you become a couple and are sharing money, she might be able to drop down to 3 days per week or whatever. She will change dramatically. We're human and when we're tired, we're never at our best.

[supertwonk]

The trouble here is that you are asking us whether you two are compatible.. we can only go by what you are telling us and since you do not paint a pretty picture then we will assume youre not.. IF that is, you hold all the things dear that are lacking by your own admission.

I am now starting to think that you are trying to sell us your incompatabality because you have already made up your mind you'e NOT

Correct me if im wrong here other readers because i didnt pick up on the "how devastated she would be" bit before.. i think youre looking for justification by us or approval for you ending it with her?

if this is the case then you cannot help how you feel.. also the bigger picture she would find happiness elsewhere as she must be picking up on your negative vibes toward her..

sorry if im way off there.