i keep cheating on him help!

[supertwonk]

Hi, i have been with my fiance just over 20 years we have a small boy together.. for 3 years prior to falling pregnant i was having a serious affair.. my fiance asked me if i was seeing someone and i admitted i was.. i was suprised to find myself begging for forgiveness and asking him to stay.

However, for quite a few weeks after that day i continued to see the other man until i found out i was pregnant then i ended the affair for good.

A BIT OF HISTORY

I have had quite a few flirtatious moments with several different men prior to the serious affair.

4 years on i met another guy on FB and have been seeing him for the past 18 months.. he tells me he loves me and is always there for me, however i always say i dont trust him or hes using me .. he replied by saying that given the fact that i used the previous fella for three years and then disgarded him that it me who is in fact " a liar and a user"

JUST PRIOR TO THAT .. MY FIANCE HAD ASKED ME AM I SEEING SOMEONE ELSE I SAID NO!

Just a few days ago i ended it with the new man and he is of course upset..

I have ended it with him several times over the past 18 months but we always end up back together .. mainly if he starts dating again I GET JEALOUS GRR.
The last time i did this he told me that if i wrecked his chances of moving on then ended with him again then he would tell my fiance.

this time ive told him i love my fiance and dont want him ever again. but only two weeks ago i had said to him that i loved him and just couldnt leave while i was with him because i didnt want to hurt my fiance again... so yes im giving out very mixed messages please help whats wrong with me?

can i just add that i have not had full sex with the new man.. i did with the one prior to that but regretted it and didnt want to feel the same.

IF YOU REQUIRE ANY MORE INFORMATION I AM AN OPEN BOOK I NEED TO WORK OUT WHATS GOING ON

THANK YOU X

[supertwonk]

Lots of people are reading this.. could someone please express an opinion ..

[TablesandChairs]

Well, it's good you're recognising something is wrong. But with a 3 year old son, I'm surprised you even have the time for so many flirtatious moments. Do you perhaps lack preoccupation? Have you tried distracting yourself with a part-time job or something (if you find yourself bored?).

Otherwise; what's lacking in your relationship? What compels you to cheat? Do you actually love your partner? Do you seek out the exciting of new affairs because it gives you the type of buzz an older, established relationship can't give you?

You're playing with fire, a bit. I mean...I'm not sure what kind of man your partner is, but in his shoes, I would have dumped you. Is he meek? Does he not fulfil you sexually?

The reasons as to why you cheat could be endless; it's up to you to pinpoint why you're doing what you're doing. Perhaps monogamy isn't for you...it's not unusual for people to not be capable of monogamy but it's something you need to recognise to prevent others from getting hurt. That man was right - you are the 'user' so you have no grounds to feel used; even if these men you see are in fact using you...what do you expect? You've got a partner and a child...

You might want to see a therapist to explore some issues but I will say, you may be playing with fire and, should you partner find out and get sick of your disloyalty, you could end up very alone because men who will use you for sex are many, men who want a relationship...less.

[supertwonk]

My partner is meek and boring sexually to me.. we do not communicate or socialise together.. we sleep in different beds (he on the sofa) we have not had sex since xmas..

im not sure why i dont leave him.. the man i was seeing recently said that if thats how you treat someone you love then im guessing you have no idea what love is,..

my partner has hit me a few times ( not many) and kicked me once.. THE LATEST MAN i was having an affair with also pointed out that the son speaks to me with his fathers tone hes 5 btw.. (my son calls me stupid and lazy cow. i did introduce the affair to my son and my parents and sister!!

I obviously have issues i have severe body issues and lack confidence.. i have on occasions made myself sick after binging, i have a phobia about germs which has transferred on to my son who wont now use a toilet anywhere and when we visit relatives i have to take a bucket
the affair man pointed out to me i was bulemic ocd lying cheating coward..

I have some issues agreed.. i feel safe with my fiance who supports me finacially and appears to stand by me no matter what.. hes obviously unhappy which i think prompted him asking me if i was having an affair.. i told him no (LIED) and have now ended the affair.

The affair mans words are lingering in my ears and playing on my mind.. i feel like i have used and hurt people now including my partner.. god it sounds bad when you write it down honestly..

WHAT DO YOU THINK I SHOULD DO? HELLLP

[TablesandChairs]

You need to see a therapist; so many of the things you have mentioned are the sign of an unhealthy mind/emotional state. There is no easy solution; you will need to see a professional.

For a start, your son talking to you like that deserves a smack but the fact that you're going as far as introducing your affair to both your son and family members is absurd - if he has no respect for you now, wait until he's old enough to understand what you're doing. It's absurd.

You need a job. You need to learn how to support yourself. This will have the added benefit of a) increasing your self worth and b) not being financially reliant on your current partner, who you are using as a cash cow because there's clearly not much real love left in that union. And perhaps it's the same for him...sleeping in separate beds, not really interacting with anyone...the relationship is more or less dead.

The guy you had an affair with is right; you are those things and no one is their right mind would want to seriously date you in the condition you are in. You're a huge liability and aside from your vagina, I'm not sure what else you have going for you. I think you might have plenty of potential, but you're not taking any ownership; you have affairs because they're easy and instantly gratifying - you can 'escape' and live a pretend life through them. You stay with your partner because that's also easy; he takes care of the money side so you don't have to be responsible for feeding/housing yourself and all the rest. It's all a delusion.

The saddest part is that your son is growing up in a toxic environment; he picks up on your instability, your partners behaviour towards you...it is not in a 5 year old's nature to call anyone a lazy cow unless that is what they have learned to do.

Book to see a psychiatrist; you know there's something wrong with the whole situation and for this, there's no easy way out.

[supertwonk]

YES. The man i was having an affair with is right on every count.. your words mirror his.. he has tried to help me but had no success but told me he would stand by me and hope that i do indeed fulfill my potenial that he sees in me..

i have let him down sadly i just cannot find the strength to be honest with anybody and leave my partner.. when faced with the question i concluded it was because i didnt love the man i was having an affair with enough and ended it..

but now im still in this unhealthy loveless sexless relationship.. how long before i seek out excitement again.. although its not in my mind now history proves otherwise and since nothing has changed.. other than im seeing just one man now... so sad

[Wakeup]

Lots of people are reading this.. could someone please express an opinion ..

My opinion is you need to get professional help for your apparent sex addiction.

Did you have an abusive childhood?

[supertwonk]

i have only had sex with three partners in my life.. moron read the thread

[Wakeup]

i have only had sex with three partners in my life.. moron read the thread

I read the thread. You can't keep your pants up. Go see someone about your need for strange sex while in a relationship. There is an addiction there and it doesn't matter if you've only been with three partners. The point is you can't be faithful.

Stop trying to be monogamous, be truthful to your pork partners or get the help you need. Three choices for the likes of you.

Your "number" has nothing to do with what ails you.

DID you have an abusive childhood?

I obviously have issues i have severe body issues and lack confidence

Ya think? O.o

[supertwonk]

no i didnt.. my mother is overbearing and father is a doormat not in the way youre suggesting im sure

[Wakeup]

Then what has your therapist suggested. Surely you've been to one if you admit to having all the problems that you have to the point that you're now abusing your own son with your issues.

If you won't leave this abusive relationship where you keep cheating and being his punching bag for yourself, then for fk sakes do it for your son because what you're doing to him is CHILD abuse.

[supertwonk]

he only ever hit me a few times and never in front of my son its not that bad and i probably deserve it

[Wakeup]

Yes... you probably do. O.O (sarcasm)

You're in dire need of professional help. I feel sorry for your son and if I can trace your IP address, I'll be calling Children's Services to make you a visit... IF you don't get the help you need and stop the abuse of your son.

You are not very smart if you think your son isn't aware of what's been going on with you and the asshole you can't leave because of your low self-worth.

Repeating:

Then what has your therapist suggested. Surely you've been to one if you admit to having all the problems that you have to the point that you're now abusing your own son with your issues.

[supertwonk]

listen i am on here beacause yes im stupid and am aware of my mistakes and for some reason i cannot fathom im unable to leave my current partner inspite of meeting wonderful men who have advised me as you are.. yes i agree the situation isnt ideal for my son but the abuse you mention is slightly over the top... yes we are are a dysfunctional family unit... and i need answers quick ... ive not seen a therapist im english! we dont do that for every problem as is fashionable in other countries such as yours i suspect and america for sure.. we pperhaps wrongly laugh at you for it in this country as a whole thinking you are sterotypically OTT. what should i do in the meantime as years of therapy isnt what i need right now to fix this

[Wakeup]

You can't fix yourself, that is evident because you keep making the same choices and hoping for different results which is the definition of insanity.

If you could fix it without the help of therapy then you would have fixed it by now instead of repeating the addiction that you have for your current partner and the men you boink to get your self-worth.

You AND your son both need council. Instead of blaming and entire country for "being over the top" why don't you finally admit that you need the help you need to be a good mother. While you're in therapy you'll be delving into why you are unable to look after yourself and why you need a man to look after you.

There is nothing that any of us here can tell you that will do you one bit of good because the sad fact is, you know that you're not right but you do NOTHING to make yourself better. Call your family doctor and get a referral to a psychologist who, if he feels you need it, will send to to a psychiatrist to figure out if what you need is to just learn how to love yourself or you need medication to help you with any "ism" you may suffer from.

In the meantime, if you continue to do nothing about you, then you will just keep repeating this codependent dysfunction you are mired in while you find less then stellar, issued men who would settle to be with a dysfunctional woman who has been in the same horrible partnership for 20 years.

If you insist that you don't want to go to therapy then the least you can do for yourself is to seek out the help of a woman's abuse hotline or something like codependents anonymous where you may improve somewhat with the support of men/women like yourself who can help you with your inability to love yourself.

- - - Updated - - -

adding to above:

inspite of meeting wonderful men

This is where you're severely lacking. You do not have the ability to understand that a man that would get with you knowing that you are in a relationship, knowing how damaged you are, are not "wonderful." Men who will get with you when they know you're not available to be with in all ways have their own set of issues to be dealt with. Good men walk away from women who are not free to be with them in all ways. Users and codependents and men with white knight syndrome get with you. Cuckholders who are selfish when they believe that they are rescuers.