Relationship problem. What is he thinking? No text back? And long distance

[humboldt1259]

About us. We've been together for almost two years, half of that being long distance. Anyway. We fight regularly about how I need more attention from him and he's always just aloof and distant. It got better with time. But things are still rocky. I'm just very confused about the relationship. Sometimes I feel like I need more. He has an easy going/peacemaker personality, which is why we make good friends. I am impatient and quick tempered when we fight, which makes him back away from me. And then I am quick to apologize, which confuses him and he always need more time. And I get more impatient. I try to get better at this. I am very honest and aware of my actions, which makes him trust me. And I am always trying to become better. It takes two to fight, but I am always the one to start the fire because I get frustrated, but he is also kind of stubborn and doesn't apologize for hurting my feelings or make it up. For example...


I dropped him off at the airport the other day and he is going to be gone for a week.


Me: Hey sugar. How’s Michigan?
Him: It’s nice so far

I was annoyed that he took several hours to respond. I sent it at 10 PM and he got back to me at 2...

Me:
Him: How are you?
Me: Good

…

Me: Cool. Good night
Michael: Good night lady.

Really?!?!

Me: I was really interested in how your time in Michigan was. It sucks when you’re short and didn’t text me at all yesterday

Next morning

Him: I planned on telling you when I got back. I was very tired. I’m not usually in a chatty mood at 4am.
Me: Well I miss you. Just thought I would at least hear from you.
Him: I miss you too.
Me: Thanks for ignoring half of that text. Have a great week since I won’t be hearing from you
Him: You are hearing from me
Me: You should know what this feels like. That time you thought I was being short when I was gone

…

Michael: *sends picture of nephew*

…

Michael: I really don’t want to fight with you
Me: Look. I was just telling you the honest truth about how I felt and you’ve overlooked everything I’ve said. You’re selective at texting and you only choose to talk to me when you want to. It is what it is. I wouldn’t respond back if you are going to say something inconsiderate. I guess let me know when you need to be picked up next week.
Him: I understand. I just feel like I’ve only been here for a full day and when I haven’t been sleeping, it’s been non-stop with visiting. I wanted a getaway. That’s not to say I want to cut off communication, my focus is just being here.
Me: Please don’t use that excuse. You still talked to me and said nice things when you were out of town the other month. I feel constantly shut off and rejected from you and it is really painful. The more I express it, because it doesn’t really change, the more upset I get because you don’t even apologize and you will just continue to do it. I quit and you won’t be hearing from me anymore.
Me: No matter where I am or how busy that day was I would always find time to talk to you because I want to. I need to accept you are never going to do that and move on

…

No response. He did not even respond. It is incredibly hurtful.






In situations like these, I am convinced he does not love me like he says he does. Speaking of which. When we got into a fight a few weeks ago I would even say it. "Just admit you don't love me. It would make SO much more sense." And he would just say that he does love me. And I asked if he was "IN love" with me. And he... said he doesn't know. I was like what??? He said that we just fight a lot. Sometimes he will feel it. And then something happens and we fight and he loses that feeling. And it comes back. Is this the way men think? I mean... Yes we do fight a lot, and sometimes I will feel like I hate him I guess. I can kind of understand. I guess if he were to ask me that question I would just say yes.

I'm just so confused. Him not responding to me was hurtful. Like I said. I would understand if this was happening because he doesn't love me. But he says he does. And he says he doesn't want to see anyone else, and that I'm amazing, and that I'm the most beautiful woman he's ever seen. He will say these things, when we aren't fighting of course. I have issues and he puts up with most of my shit, I feel forever grateful for him, because he will always be there for me and is such a great friend.

But I feel like that's all there is sometimes. Friendship. We are passionate at making love. But I don't feel it anywhere else. I don't know if it's just me, or if this is how he is.


I'm moving soon, too. He was upset but supports me. It is nice. But there will always be a part of me that wants him to ask me to stay. Or make my last couple of weeks special. But that doesn't happen. I always make the plans. And I always say "I love you" first now. I told him that bothered me and he said, "well, you're moving." I wanted to make it work long distance, I really believe it would work. It's worked before. I do trust him and I don't believe he would talk to other women. But anyway. He said he doesn't want to try. He doesn't want to be thinking about me when I'm not there and vice versa. And he doesn't want to hold me back from seeing anyone. Which means he doesn't want me to hold him back, is that it? If he loved me why wouldn't he even try?

I always feel rejected by him. And I never feel wanted. Even though he says I have no reason to feel this way. But he doesn't try to prove it otherwise even though he knows it hurts me. Does he think about that? Or does he just see me as naggy and doesn't consider my feelings anymore?

[Haniel Dollis]

Hi. Just reading over your question but there is a lot of content but will try and acknowledge the key points. You have been together two years, have things improved with your communication or have they been the same since you met, ie you feeling rejected? If there has been an improvement on both parts, then it sounds like he is trying. If no improvement, then he may just be saying he loves you etc but hasnt got the courage to break up with you, as inevitably doesnt want to hurt your feelings. I had this in a relationship, didnt love the girl, had no desire to improve on what was bothering her, but I appeased her saying I wanted to be with her. Then eventually we broke up.

So, if he appears to have made effort over the last two years to improve on what is bothering you, being more communicative and making you feel wanted and validated, then you should see that and appreciate it. However if there is near no improvement over the last two years then you shouldnt feel frustrated over this and waste your time, instigate the break up. It might make him realise what he is losing, that you will no longer accept he is being a bit useless and not very good boyfriend and try to win you back. I hope that helps

[nico88]

Two years is a long time to spend on a person who you're not even sure loves you. I'd use this opportunity of moving as a great excuse to end things. You're gunna be in a new city, why not start fresh and free, you know?