My boyfriend doesn't want me hanging out with my guy best friend!

[cutewing]

I'm stuck in a pretty difficult situation. It's quite a long read, but if you are willing to share your advice with me I am very appreciative of you taking the time and sharing your insight!

I have a best guy friend for 8 years now, and we basically grew up together. I really only had 2 friends the majority of my life before I met my boyfriend. I met my boyfriend last year and we've been together for what's about to be a year now. I've been a great partner to him and have treated him well to this day. He's been amazing to me right back. I am so appreciative and pretty lucky to have him by my side.

The problem is, he has a huge issue with me hanging out with my best guy friend alone. I'd like to add that my best guy friend is like family to me.. The brother I never had. For the 8 years we've been friends I can't say that I've been interested in him in a romantic way. I can't say for certain that he has never had any feelings for me but what I know for a fact is that I haven't made moves on him, and he hasn't made moves on me. We also hardly see each other because we live in different cities.

Me and my best guy friend and my other best friend (who is a girl) have been best friends together, just us 3 for so many years. We all kept this strong friendship through elementary school, high school and now university. My boyfriend has even met my two best friends and we have all hung out together multiple times. My best guy friend has been respectful to our relationship this whole time and has even kept his distance. My boyfriend even asked my best guy friend about me too, and he assured him that he has nothing to worry about.

The thing is, when me and my best guy friend hang out, it's purely platonic. We go out in public where everyone can see.. Grab a bite or go to the mall. There really isn't much to it. I barely even text him either.. Probably once a week or once every two maybe even 3 weeks sometimes. Me and him hardly hang out alone, and we probably hung out alone together about 5 times this whole year. Most of the time when we hang out, our mutual friends are there with us. I moved to a different city and we all got busy, but even still we maintain the friendship regardless of our busy lives.

Despite all of this, it's such a huge problem for my boyfriend that I hang out with him alone (hardly). He says he sees him as a threat, and he believes that guys and girls can never be just friends because one of them ultimately ends up falling for the other. I reassured him too and told him that even if he did make a move or he confessed his feelings towards me, I would handle the situation accordingly.

I told my boyfriend that I'm only focused on him and I won't put myself in a situation where another man can destroy what we have. I immediately cut ties with a man from that past that tried to resurface with me, and another man that I became friends with who got a little too close for comfort. My boyfriend didn't even need to express discomfort and I acted accordingly right away. It just seems like my boyfriend doesn't trust my judgement when it comes to my guy best friend, no matter how much I try to reassure him. It just comes off to me as insecure.

The thing is, there are other girls in my boyfriend's past too. His ex, some girls that he liked/liked him back, girls he's made out with on multiple occasions before he met me. I merely would inquire about them or tell him I was uncomfortable with him hanging out with them alone. He acts accordingly too and he keeps his distance from them. The only time id be uncomfortable with him hanging out with another girl alone is that she's either someone he shared romantic history with in the past, or a girl he became friends with after me that is a little too close for comfort and I can tell she's trying to home wreck. Other than that, he can hang out with other girls alone. If he had a best girl friend he can hang out with her alone. I just have to be introduced to her and get to know her.

I'm pretty secure in myself and I trust him and his judgement that he'll do what is necessary for our relationship, but he doesn't trust that I'll do that for him. He keeps telling me that he's cut off those girls and I'm not willing to do the same for him because I won't distance myself from my best guy friend. What I'm trying to say is... At least in my opinion.. He just cannot compare those girls he's shared romantic history with in the past to my best guy friend, because there's a completely different back story between the two.

Sadly, my best guy friend now knows about my boyfriends issue with him and I hanging out, and he even told my best girl friend that "it makes me (him) not want to hang out with her (me) anymore". It's ruining my friendship for no good reason. Like honestly, I can count on my fingers how many times I've hung out with him alone since me and my boyfriend became official and from that in itself, he sees him as such a BIG threat! Despite all of this, he won't hear me out. I've told him and reassured him MULTIPLE times. I keep repeating myself over and over and he's just too stubborn and so convinced that he's right and I'm the one being a bad partner to him. There's no breaking him no matter what I say.

He tried to compromise with me and told me that if I were to hang out alone with him, that I should cancel the plan or invite others to tag along. I simply cannot do that. It just seems unreasonable for me to. It's not about being stubborn. It's not about me not willing to make sure were "both good" in the relationship just like he is for me. I am my own individual, no one has possession over me. I'm not an object that you purchase at the store and have full rights over. I'm a human being and I have freedom to do what I want to do. I have my own hobbies, interests, and friends even before I met my boyfriend. I shouldn't have to change my life unnecessarily because I'm now in a relationship. Especially when my best guy friend isn't harming us! I simply will not submit to his request. I will not let a man try to take authority over me and try to control/dictate my life and the things I do and the people I spend my time with. Especially when I'm not doing anything wrong and neither are they.

I'm trying my best to fix this and understand him but he's being too closed minded and stubborn. He didn't even want me to reach out to strangers for advice like I am now (I did it anyway). He said that we don't know you guys, and you don't know us, and that I can't trust a "blog" or whatever where people have "nothing better to do" to give me advice. He says that it'll just brainwash me. To be honest, I feel like this is one of the best ways (reaching out to you guys) and I trust in it because it has worked for me in the past.

Ultimately, this whole situation just seems like a red flag for me. I've concluded that it's either of 3 things, or a combination of the 3. 1) he's insecure and has low self esteem. 2) he's controlling and emotionally manipulating me. 3) he has trust issues and/or doesn't trust me. Now if I bring these 3 things to his attention, I know he's going to get angry. I tried to fill in all the gaps and explain my situation to you guys with as much information I can provide to you. By reading this, what are you opinions? I'm very open to unbiased advice and opinions from all perspectives. If I am wrong about this, if I am the one who is at fault.. I will take full acknowledge of that!

Again, thanks so much for your time and advice! It is much appreciated.

[dontaskme]

The popular advise you will get in this forum is that "your boyfriend should be your best friend" and once in a relationship, "you should not be hanging out with a male friend because it is disrespectful to your boyfriend".

However, that is not the advise you will get from me. It's true, you have known your best friend most of your life and you've only known your boyfriend for ____ (I don't know how long) and you should not sacrifice your friendship to your best friend over a relationship that may not even work in the long run.

You will read from other posters here saying that that's how emotional cheating starts, give you shit about how many posters are in love with their best friend, blah, blah, blah... but you know who you are, your strengths and weaknesses and I believe that you are a person with strong conviction, otherwise, you would not fight for what you think is right for you and your friends.

[cutewing]

The popular advise you will get in this forum is that "your boyfriend should be your best friend" and once in a relationship, "you should not be hanging out with a male friend because it is disrespectful to your boyfriend".

However, that is not the advise you will get from me. It's true, you have known your best friend most of your life and you've only known your boyfriend for ____ (I don't know how long) and you should not sacrifice your friendship to your best friend over a relationship that may not even work in the long run.

You will read from other posters here saying that that's how emotional cheating starts, give you shit about how many posters are in love with their best friend, blah, blah, blah... but you know who you are, your strengths and weaknesses and I believe that you are a person with strong conviction, otherwise, you would not fight for what you think is right for you and your friends.

Thanks for your input and being real with me! My boyfriend is my best friend and I am right back to him. I've never been as close to someone as I am with him. What's different from him and my other best friends is that we're best friends and lovers at the same time. We're so comfortable with each other and what's great is the love we share for each other despite our flaws! I'm willing to work on this rough patch in our relationship as long as he's willing to open his mind and do the same.

[TablesandChairs]

You can't 'throw' your friends away every time you get into a relationship, whether they're male or female; especially ones you've had since childhood. Imagine if we did that? We'd end up friend-less every time we broke up with someone and I think a lot of people actually DO end up like that, sadly.

You've reassured him several times which I think is great; he knows this is someone you have known for 8 years (if something was going to happen, it would have happened already) and he knows you are not in regular or inappropriate contact. You don't do sleep-overs, you don't sit on his knee and eat from his fork...we all get insecure but if my partner explains something to me and reassures me, I believe him.

I'm still friends with my first boyfriend (from several years ago) we grew up together so when the relationship dissolved, there were no hard feelings and we wanted to stay friends. My partner has complete trust because like you, I don't behave inappropriately, everything is out in the open, there are no late night secret text messages or conversations...

I do think women and men can be just friends...not always but in certain friendships, gender is not an issue.

[Wakeup]

If you want to hang out alone with your "friend" and disrespect your partner in such a manner then perhaps you're not ready to be in a committed relationship. You want to be single while you keep your boyfriend and completely ignore his very normal expectation that you give up hanging out alone with other men.

You don't have to give up your friends, you just have to stop acting single while in a committed relationship. Its what most monogamous couples do in respect for the relationship and the partner that we love and want to do what we can to compromise and still keep a friendship... including him (your partner) when you hang with your friend is a very good compromise and if your partner can't make it, then make it a group outing rather then a date like activity alone with another man.

This has nothing to do with trust or the lack thereof but rather mutual respect for your union.

(if something was going to happen, it would have happened already

This is very far from the truth. The fact is, that many of emotional affairs have started well after a platonic friendship was formed. Attraction can grow and there must have been some FORM of attraction (whether that be personality, same interests ect) for the friendship to form so, the possibility exists that like most unintended emotional affairs, this friendship could develop into more at any time.

[ameliefaithc]

Just from reading this, it's unfair for us to conclude if he is any of the 3 things you mentioned - insecure, manipulative or trust issues (Perhaps you will know better!).

In fact, it is normal for a man to get affected when his girlfriend hangs out alone with another guy. Of course, to you, this is not just "any other guy" but it's your close guy friend. However, only you can feel the depth of your friendship; it is obvious your man can't and he won't. It now all boils down to whether you are being honest when you say your boyfriend is your BEST friend. If he is, then you need to make that painful decision of prioritizing him over your other friendships. It doesn't mean you have to give up all your friends (or your best guy friend for that matter), it means you have to compromise and show empathy to your boyfriend by not doing things that will hurt his feelings. Is it really difficult to meet your best guy friend together with another friend? If insisting to meet your guy friend alone will cost your amazing relationship, will you continue to do so?

Being in a relationship will be a challenge for a person who insist on being absolutely free to do anything he/she wants, anytime he/she wants. Sorry to break this to you: If you want to be in a relationship, there are bound to be some sacrifices involved. You can't have your cake and eat it too.

[archerAlex]

Sorry i didn't read the entire thing....but such situations often occur in a relationship from time to time.
You can't change ur bf and thus he'll always have this problem, you gotta decide for yourself who's more important to you, your boyfriend or your friend(s) and then make appropriate choices....best of luck m8

[milk&honey]

That's a pretty tough situation you're in I don't think there's an easy solution to this. I would say try talking to your boyfriend and try making him understand that your relationship with your best friend is genuinely platonic, but you've done that already. I hope you can sort this out quickly before it ruins both relationships.