An Open Relationship

[elephantgirl]

I have this thing where I start seeing a guy and in 2 months I freak out and end things with him. I end up calling him the next day and we get back together.

I think this is what has just happened but I am too proud to go back.

We were never exclusive. We both got out of break-ups and before we met each other, we made promises to ourselves to grow into the person we want to be before we dated anyone else.

We fell for each other. We really really like each other, ect.

After a month and a half we discussed how we are not exclusive and it was just known that either of us would be going out on dates ect. That was fine. Until we brought up the topic of sex. I said I wouldn't be comfortable with the idea of him having sex with another person. He said, when you say that it sounds like we are exclusive - so I tried to be okay with the idea that he can have sex with whoever and as can I. I knew he was going on a business trip that weekend so I just said, it's fine, we aren't exclusive. He did have sex with someone but he told me it was "planned" months ago. I also had sex with someone mostly because I knew that he was going to on his trip. After I found out that he did that, I felt sad and since then I have been having this internal battle where I am being told to be okay with this idea but my heart and feelings are like, you aren't this person - you like him too much.

I was under the understanding that sex for him was just going to happen randomly with anyone and I wouldn't ever know about it unless I asked him.

I really like him and I want to be in a position where we are exclusive. I know he isn't ready for that yet. I know I'm not ready for an open relationship or if I ever would be.

I called him last night. We had talked about this on Sunday, where we had great conversation and just spent the day together. But, last night, I had to end things because this idea was polluting my mind.

So I call him and this is what he f-ing says

"You are not comparable to the other girls I have met, that's not something you need to worry about"

"I missed you after I had sex with that girl, the sex was kind of crappy - it was one of those moments where the grass is greener on the other side"

"I haven't hooked up with anyone other than the Vancouver girl since we've been seeing each other. I stopped seeing a girl once I met you and started to get to know you."

He was sad but accepting.

I am so uncomfortable with the idea of it being okay for either of us to go hook up with someone else. Whether it is happening or not.
He is so uncomfortable with the idea of us being exclusive, whether it is happening or not.

I have this issue about OTHER GIRLS. Every relationship I have been in, other girls have been in the picture. Every time, the other girls have been picked over me and it has ****ed up my self esteem. I am always crazy jealous of the exes and comparing myself to the other girls is something I just do. Since I broke up with my ex I have been trying to get more self confidence and comparing myself to others is something I really struggle with. So, maybe that is something I need to deal with before I get into any kind of relationship. It is never a huge factor in my relationships but once the relationship ends because of another girl, I feel like crap. I have made lots of progress. This guy and I, a lot of our dates we would end up running into his ex and I have never felt jealously towards her, so that's progress.

He said, he would need me to trust his feelings towards me and whatever happen is going to happen with us, but the past week I have been stressed and upset over this and maybe that is something I can't do.

I can't understand why I need to sacrifice sleep and sanity to accommodate for where he is in his life right now.

[dontaskme]

If your self esteem is so f***ed up, why do you even want to date this guy who obviously does not want to be in an exclusive relationship?

Stop dating him, be alone for awhile until you get your self esteem back. No guy wants to date a woman with poor self esteem. If you keep on doing this to yourself, your going to find yourself being dumped and thrown in the curb more than you can imagine.

[Wakeup]

We were never exclusive. We both got out of break-ups and before we met each other, we made promises to ourselves to grow into the person we want to be before we dated anyone else.

Just for the record: When you want to "grow into the person" you want to be before you date... it means you don't **** someone which stops you from growing into a better person but rather stagnates you at the emotional deficit you were at when you decided you wanted to grow.

Now that we've cleared that up. Stop seeing this guy altogether. Go cold turkey withdrawl which includes zero contact via any means. You need to rehab from your addiction to him.. it's not love... love doesn't look like anything you've shared here... love is reciprocal and its not angst inducing and it doesn't stop you from growing as a person.

Its not "other girls" that have fuvked up your self-esteem, it's settling for men who want your vagina but nothing else that has fkd up your worth.

Stop settling. Ditch guys that just want to be your friend, ask the right questions and quickly get rid of men who have lots of female "friends" that they keep talking to and hanging out with... stop having uncommitted sex... get yourself a good toy and make it your best bed buddy until you find yourself a decent guy that doesn't even have the word fvck buddy in his vocabulary.

You are your own worst enemy.

He said, he would need me to trust his feelings towards me and whatever happen is going to happen with us,

if you're going to fall for that line of bullshit then put a disclaimer on it and tell him that you'll not be having sex with him anymore while he decides whatever happens, happens with you. If he loves you, then he'll stay with you and date you and give up his need to be single for you. If you accept his bs and continue in the status quo then you give him ZERO reason to advance your relationship from ****-buddy to something exclusive and committed... which is what you need to be happy.

[elephantgirl]

If your self esteem is so f***ed up, why do you even want to date this guy who obviously does not want to be in an exclusive relationship?

Stop dating him, be alone for awhile until you get your self esteem back. No guy wants to date a woman with poor self esteem. If you keep on doing this to yourself, your going to find yourself being dumped and thrown in the curb more than you can imagine.

My self-esteem isn't ****ed up. I have been working on it since January.

At the time us hanging out was perfect because I felt heartless and knew I wouldn't get attached but then a couple months later, I've changed and grown comfortable with the fact that I can care about people. But, he doesn't want to - so I said goodbye.

I do think, though, that this is a sign I have some more work to do on myself. I don't expect to be okay with an open relationship in the future but just judging how even the idea of him sleeping with someone else bothered me indicates I should back off and reevaluate my progress.

I haven't been in a situation like this, ever. Now I know I can't do it or I could do it with someone until I started to like them, then I'd have to stop.

- - - Updated - - -

Just for the record: When you want to "grow into the person" you want to be before you date... it means you don't **** someone which stops you from growing into a better person but rather stagnates you at the emotional deficit you were at when you decided you wanted to grow.

Now that we've cleared that up. Stop seeing this guy altogether. Go cold turkey withdrawl which includes zero contact via any means. You need to rehab from your addiction to him.. it's not love... love doesn't look like anything you've shared here... love is reciprocal and its not angst inducing and it doesn't stop you from growing as a person.

Its not "other girls" that have fuvked up your self-esteem, it's settling for men who want your vagina but nothing else that has fkd up your worth.

Stop settling. Ditch guys that just want to be your friend, ask the right questions and quickly get rid of men who have lots of female "friends" that they keep talking to and hanging out with... stop having uncommitted sex... get yourself a good toy and make it your best bed buddy until you find yourself a decent guy that doesn't even have the word fvck buddy in his vocabulary.

You are your own worst enemy.

if you're going to fall for that line of bullshit then put a disclaimer on it and tell him that you'll not be having sex with him anymore while he decides whatever happens, happens with you. If he loves you, then he'll stay with you and date you and give up his need to be single for you. If you accept his bs and continue in the status quo then you give him ZERO reason to advance your relationship from ****-buddy to something exclusive and committed... which is what you need to be happy.

I don't agree with your first statement. Sex is an experience. At the time we were just having fun but then developed feelings for each other which led to me wanting to be exclusive and him not ready for it, so we have stopped seeing each other. We did talk for a couple months before we started to hang out because we knew we weren't ready for this kind of connection yet.

I never said I loved him.

I don't date guys who use me for sex. I have never dated anyone who also was ****ing other girls. This guy, even, isn't going out with multiple girls at once, it's just me but he did have sex with a girl which was decided on a while ago and he has been on one dates and I have been going on dates. AND I did go and have sex with someone as well. We are both in this mindset where we are wanting to collect experiences, see what kind of person we are by doing things, experiencing things and meeting new people. Soul-searching for sure and despite how negative you may have thought our relationship was I know he wasn't using me and we did have a great couple months together despite the fact that it has ended.

I agree with your last statement. I honestly believe if a guy really likes you, he will make things work. I have found myself to really like him and I don't know if it's the same on his end but I feel me ending it may have him realize how much he does like me or if I don't hear from him then I understand I was just a fun girl for a couple months for him.

[TablesandChairs]

I don't know anyone who is comfortable with an open relationship; these situations exist and they can be harmonious but the two people involved have to be on the same page from the get-go; usually, they're experienced and will search for other like-minded people so there's no drama.

Everyone else...well, successful or not, we expect monogamy and find it hard to deal with knowing that the person we like a lot or love is sleeping around. It's important to be real with yourself; this is HIS thing, not yours. I'm not sure how compatible you guys are; he doesn't want to commit to one person and you don't want to be sleeping around (or sitting back while he sleeps around). There's nothing wrong with this.

[woody]

Dear elephant girl,
First off, you don't. You don't have to sacrifice anything for this young man.
IMO, you NEED to pull up your britches, grab some self love and self worth and turn the page on this patterned f'd up book. so to speak.

You should not even be in positions where 'ex's and jealousy rain down on you.
Sounds like your a romantic and romantics must guard their hearts from those who simply do not understand and though you make this guy sound like one you really like, sounds to me like he be a player and players must not be played with.

Ask yourself, are you truly willing to pursue and wait for a guy who is ok with open relationships? Do you honestly think that he would actually be exclusive?
Come on.
Separate this guy from you. Move on. Hold out for someone worth your affections. come on. Self love lady. Go get some. It's just a few breaths away.

[Wakeup]

My self-esteem isn't ****ed up. I have been working on it since January.

This is still a work in progress. You need to work on your personal boundaries that will help you to improve your self-esteem which at this point still needs more work. If you don't have good personal boundaries then you will keep allowing this kind of superficial relationships that are formed on very sandy foundations to happen to you.

Here is a link on the importance of personal boundaries:

http:// joy2meu.com/Personal_Boundaries.htm

(no space after the //

I don't agree with your first statement. Sex is an experience. At the time we were just having fun but then developed feelings for each other which led to me wanting to be exclusive and him not ready for it,

Yes, and this is the very reason WHY YOU SHOULDN'T BE GETTING YOURSELF INVOLVED IN A CASUAL SEXUAL DYNAMIC. Because you are incapable of keeping it casual.

so we have stopped seeing each other. We did talk for a couple months before we started to hang out because we knew we weren't ready for this kind of connection yet.

Then if you had good personal boundaries, if you loved yourself enough, then you would have never gone into a sexual relationship with someone you have a connection with. You would have not settled for sex outside of the nurturing embrace of reciprocated love and respect.

I never said I loved him.

but you do have feelings for him so what is your point? You're still confused, you're still not getting what you actually want from your FB etc, etc, etc.

I don't date guys who use me for sex.

you're not "used" if you volunteer. But, you do have the confusing state you're now embroiled in to deal with.

I have never dated anyone who also was ****ing other girls.

You think this is an atribute? Besides, how do you know he's not?

This guy, even, isn't going out with multiple girls at once, it's just me but he did have sex with a girl which was decided on a while ago and he has been on one dates and I have been going on dates.

So you do date guys that have sex with other girls then. Denial just aint a river in Egypt.

AND I did go and have sex with someone as well. We are both in this mindset where we are wanting to collect experiences, see what kind of person we are by doing things, experiencing things and meeting new people.

Well good for you.

Soul-searching for sure and despite how negative you may have thought our relationship was I know he wasn't using me and we did have a great couple months together despite the fact that it has ended.

like I said, he can't "use" you if you volunteer for the job.

I agree with your last statement. I honestly believe if a guy really likes you, he will make things work. I have found myself to really like him and I don't know if it's the same on his end but I feel me ending it may have him realize how much he does like me or if I don't hear from him then I understand I was just a fun girl for a couple months for him.

How many times are you going to settle to be the "fun girl" before you get those personal boundaries going that will look after you and your self-respect/esteem?

You're hell bent on justifying yourself. Next time may I suggest that if you want to "grow as a person" that you work on that with YOU and not the help of a **** buddy. Doing so will help with the growing.