Frustrated...

[LordZanual]

Hi ladies... As you can probably tell, I'm new here... And... Honestly? This is really new to me. I find it somewhat hard to open up like this - But hey, I guess I need it. Sorry in advance for the wall of text...

I'm a guy, by the way. Not by all definitions, but the important ones.

Some background: Five months ago I broke up with my year-and-a-half girlfriend, and... I've had probably one of the worst times of my life since. I've been attacked (Twice) since then and was forced to fight for my life (Twice...). My mother became ill. I quit my job (One of the attacks happened at my job and I had to quit it). I was (And am) under intense pressure through school work. I've detached myself of my fake friends (And to be honest, never looked back. Still stressful though), and I've been forced to keep a straight face through this whole time since I am studying to become a therapist (Horseback riding).

Now, mind you, the past five months are behind me, truly. I've become far happier the past three weeks or so, been talking to people a lot more, going out a lot more, wearing my favorite smile again, and generally feel more secure and happy...
Beyond that, I am what one might consider a feminine guy on the inside. I'm rather tall and broad, and I act like a man in most areas, but I am definitely far more sensitive than the rest of the men I've met in my life (And some of the women, in fact) and I can be a tad feminine at times... And hell, I don't even hide it. I like it.

My life has taught me to treat everyone decently at all times. To be a gentleman. To be extra kind to women. To smile a lot, and try and be happy on the outside even if you're shattered on the inside. And, I think I've been successful. My ex told me that I am "The perfect man, and don't you dare change" when we broke up. And I might be the so-called 'perfect' man (Yeah... Doubt it) when it comes to relationships, but that's not my problem really...

This is my problem:
Recently, I found myself arguing with a friend (A self declared Pickup Artist... And I have to admit, he has his credentials. He's mightily successful if he wants) about the proper means to talk to, or get to know a woman.

He notoriously treats women pretty badly (Mind you, not after he starts going out with them. Once he starts going out with them, they're like princesses) when they meet, and I don't know how well it works, but I refuse to do the same. I treat women nicely, all the time. I smile, I joke, I'm courteous... And I get women to smile. Sure... I get them to laugh at my jokes, sure... But there seems to be something holding me back just there.

Mind you, using my insight into the female mind (Thanks mom! Love you!) I advise my friends on relationships and I am their source to the woman's brain in a relationship... Another thing I take pride of is that I am a moderator on a relationship help forum (I'm great at relationships, I know how to hold one steady and firm and how to make the woman feel great... But that's not my problem), and I've rarely been wrong with the advice I've given. People usually come back to me with nothing but "Thank you!"...

So yeah... Maintaining a relationship? Judging by past experience with my past girlfriends, not my problem.

My problem? Getting a relationship.

My friend tells me I'm far too nice, that no woman would actually want me if I'm that nice to her from the get-go, before she even 'earned' it. My mind immediately told me "She doesn't have to earn it!"... I'm nice to everybody, aside for those who earned my hatred, and those are a numbered few. I refused to believe him.

Recently, I've been hitting on girls (Mind you, not picking them up. I'm not interested in mindless, no-strings-attached sex, and I've had that not too long after my breakup. I found it dull and irritating if I'm perfectly honest. And it's not because of her, she was the best I've ever had. It was because I felt nothing for her. I didn't want her at all.) through many different methods. My preferred one is, of course, face-to-face. I also use Facebook and have signed up to a dating site (Horribly unsuccessful by the way). I've been rejected 100% of the times, and I believe that I've tried around 5-10 women face-to-face, and around 20 on Facebook. I won't even talk about that dating site, since I never really got going there, never felt comfortable.

Today, just today, I've been rejected twice. Two different women I've been talking to for the past 2-3 days. One of them via Facebook and started through genuine concern for her (People in a Facebook post called her a monster... I stood by her side and told them off and sent her a message reassuring her she's not. The conversation went on from there), and the other randomly on the street after our dogs met.
The second one (Dog lady we'll call her), I had asked her to meet up the next day on the same hour. She agreed. She brought her boyfriend along and snidely insinuated as to why I wanted to meet her, and she was obviously implying toward sexual intentions on my part. Mind you, she's attractive, but it irritated me to no end that she would think that's all on my mind. I got so pissed off about that, I bid her boyfriend farewell, and simply walked away. Nothing more I could do. (Also, I shook his hands the moment I saw him and introduced myself. I'm not an ass)
As for the first one, Facebook-lady... Well, we talked for about 2-3 days, one might say the conversation flowed to an extent. The reason she rejected me eventually was because I am 3 years younger than her. Hey, that much I can understand and I appreciate an honest reply. But there was something about her... I tried convincing her because I refused to give up. I loved talking to her, it was really great... Don't know how to put it... She felt different.

Well... She wasn't. Eventually, I sent her a message asking her if she would mind if I would send her a message every now and then, seeing how she's doing whilst also conceding defeat and telling her "Well, if that's what you want - No means no"... No reply.

I'll finish off with this: People keep telling me "Don't change". People keep telling me how much they appreciate me (Especially women... I find women easier to talk to and open up to), and how much of a great guy I am. But I'm starting to think they're either lying or have absolutely no idea what they're talking about. I'm losing faith in maintaining my life as I've maintained them so far... Maybe I have been wrong, just as my supposed pickup artist friends tells me I am.

I don't really know what it is I'm doing wrong. I know I'm not the most confident bloke on the planet, but I try to make up for it with jokes and smiles. And I really don't think it all narrows down to confidence (Heck, if it does, I'm giving up now.)... I don't even know why I posted this. Why I wrote all of this. But I guess I just had to.

(Sorry if I seem self centered and 'boasting' in any way... Not my intention at all... This is as clear a reflection I can give you of myself through other people's mouths and my own insight)
So... A penny for your thoughts, ladies?

[quirkybear47]

Mmmm....well, I guess it depends on the woman. I don't know why they give you excuses, but maybe you are going for the wrong type of girls? Obviously, if a woman wants sex she wants sex. Maybe the conversations you had were great for you, but not for her. Being funny and outgoing is great, but you also need to somewhat romantic and sexy too. Women don't want to be treated badly, but they don't want to hounded with goodness either. Teasing isn't good, but its not treating her badly either. If you are trying to be an ideal, that won't work . Some girls may see you more like a friend than a mate.

[LordZanual]

Maybe I am trying to be some sort of an ideal... But the part about being romantic is kinda hard to do when you've only just met the girl heh, need to actually take her out on a date for that. But back to the ideal part... I'm not trying to do that when we first meet, actually, when I first meet someone I rarely think. I just let the conversation flow (And it's handy if I had a drink beforehand... A little 'courage juice'), I found that if I stop to think I fail miserably. Overthinker here.
It's later on that I try to be the ideal, both for her and for the relationship. I should keep a close eye on my tendency to do that... It might just be that I do that upon the first meeting too... I hope not. Food for thought, thanks heh...

As for being sexy, that's beyond me. I don't think I've ever been sexy and I have no idea how to be sexy in all honesty, so I never try. I'm just myself, for better or worse.

My goal with this is not sex... Goodness me, I wish it was that easy. I want something far beyond that...

Meh. I'm just very frustrated because I don't know what I'm doing wrong. I seriously have no idea.

[quirkybear47]

Well, I think everyone has the right mate. I always thought being friends with someone would make the two people feel more comfortable on a date, but for others they can't be friends first because of the friend zone fear.

I guess you just haven't met the right girl yet. Just keep being yourself, and someone will fall head over heels. I don't like dating sites as sometimes people on there aren't looking for a relationship, and just want a fling.

It's better to look for physical people at school or work.

[LordZanual]

Unfortunately, currently, I'm out of job (Will be changing that the next couple of weeks) due to a medical condition of someone in my family, and I've had to help out around the house (Didn't have time for a job) and as for school... Well, I'm not in school anymore.

But hey, I'm starting to think you've nailed down the problem. I don't have a job nor am I in school. The only places I get to meet women are in bars or on the bus, and I rarely try something on the bus simply because it feels so out of place and alien. I mean, the girl's probably running around from her job to college/doing errands, me stopping in and trying to talk to her would most likely be interpreted as something more of a nuisance. At least, that's how I see it.

[quirkybear47]

Are you a religious person? Church is another place to find a nice girl. If not, why not try volunteer work until you are employed. Just find a place that gets you involved with people, where there is a good mix of guys and gals. Going to the gym might be another way to meet more people too. Meeting new people gets you involved with new people. It's fun.

I am in the same scenario right now, minus the medical situation although I have my own medical situation going on now. I am applying to the IRS as a call representative. On the side I hope to get back into horseback riding because I was in school, and I wanted to concentrate on that.

I was also told not to go looking for love. Love finds you. Just live life and do what you want to do. It'll happen. Thinking about it will only frustrate you more.

[LordZanual]

Heh, I work out at home alone. I dislike gyms, but I'm starting to warm up to the idea lately. As for religion... Far from it I'm afraid.

Yeah, I know you're right. I mean, I disagree with the 'Don't search for it' part, and I do some active searching... But as for the thinking about it too much - I agree. Totally agree. The problem is that I can't help myself heh... I can't stop thinking about it. In all honesty... I'm just incredibly lonely. Hate sleeping alone. Hate driving back home after a hangout alone. Hate walking my dog alone. I love being alone with myself, and I do a lot of stuff alone with myself, but I see relationships as 'being alone with someone else', and I find it incredible.

Good luck with the IRS thing heh... And I'm a rider myself one of the best things I've ever done in my entire life.

[quirkybear47]

Mom wants me to get married in a church (hell no), but I want to be married outside with mountains in the background. Colorado if I had the option and the expenses.

I'm not going to tell you to not feel lonely. Everyone does from time to time. Its a difficult feeling to master when you can't feel the void.

Thanks. And you rider? Or have ridden? I've done it for two or three years. I miss it, but complications and school created a barrier.

I've had so many complications with past relationships that I just want friends for now. Tired of disappointments. Guys just hang out with me, and don't ask me on an official date.

[LordZanual]

I'm a rider. Studying toward a therapeutic horseback riding instructor diploma. I loved it so much I made it my profession :laughter: (At least, for the next year or two)

Also, I've been disappointed by women countless times, but I refused to let it get to me. I'm just as trusting and enthusiastic as ever heh...

[woody]

Your doing great! Don't get jaded and change yourself okay? And thank your Mother from all the Women on this Planet.
You truly seem like a good guy; and when you meet the right lady for you, you'll both just simply know and take things from there.
I'd steer clear of the online sights and Fb. That form of exchanging personality traits just doesn't compare to the real thing face to face.
I imagine you'll meet a great lady who loves horses as much as you do and there will be no games, no toying of affections, no fake smiles or groups of fake friends and she will love love love your genuine non player approach.

You deserve a meaningful connection and this will happen; you must be patient and hold out for the worthy.
Sure, your friend may go on more dates, get laid more but his approach sounds rather empty. You don't strike me as the kind of fellow that handles 'empty' well nor need you. You've much to offer to the right lady. She's out there somewhere right now wondering where you are. I hope you two find each other soon and take those horses out for a beautiful overnight trip, campfire, dinner, wine, keep it real.

Being a chivalrous and down to EArth man who treats all women with courtesy and respect is a golden thing indeed and must never be taken fore granted or dosed with the BS notions of a player.
You are not a player. Allow your friends to learn from you as from where I'm standing, your doing a heck of allot better than they are.
Keep it real.
Stay off Fb and the online dating sites. She's not going to get the whole picture without actually being with you in person and why deny her that right? Indeed.

Right on man. Spread the Light.

[LordZanual]

Thanks Woody, I do hope you're right - But in all honesty I simply find it hard to believe.

I do not envy my friend for getting laid, as I've said before, I find it incredibly boring to simply have sex with someone with no strings attached. Heck, in fact, he told me he really appreciates me for being a 'Stand up guy who stands up for what he believes in and won't budge'... But I'm doubting myself recently, very much so. I'm young (Mind you, not teens-young, but young), I got time... But it doesn't feel like it. I feel as if my window of opportunity is narrowing and I don't want to sit down and wait for it to come to me, simply because I think it won't.

As cocky as that may sound (And it does), I have every bit of confidence that a woman, who will get to know me, will love me and fall for me. My problem is that it never gets to that. I never get to know any woman I'm truly interested in, at least, not as much as I'd like. And those I already know? Taken. And I refuse to cross that line (Been cheated on before... Worst feeling ever).

Thank you for your support, Woody, and to be honest it does make me feel better, being reassured like that. It's just that one has to wonder: If I am as good as you say I am, if I am as good as others say I am... Why the hell am I the one suffering? Why the hell am I the one who has to bide his time and wait? Why the hell am I who hadn't had a proper, fulfilling, good night's sleep for 5 months due to being lonely and stressed out (Like I stated before... Mom being ill)? And honestly, I may sound like an overgrown baby - But it just doesn't seem right that I should be the one getting the bad end of the bargain, when I've given others the good end of the bargain most times (Or at least tried to).

[quirkybear47]

Is it for Veterans? I saw a documentary on therapeutic riding for US veterans which I think is a good cause. Or is it similar to Pegasus?

BTW, seeing your other post about how no one wants to get to know you? Well, that is how I feel. Exactly to a T. I had this guy stare at my breasts and body, but would not initiate a date. He asked me to come to a party, and offered me a beer. I don't even like beer. Haha, neither am I much of a drinker either. It a fourth of July party, but still.

He didn't even introduce me to his family either, so it made me feel like he didn't care much for me besides well...to have a girlfriend while he parties and junk. Like there was no connection. Just wanted someone to have a good time with without being serious. He also said that his cousins mom only thought a guy should be a gentleman on the first date. Then he blamed me for finding his stares offensive and didn't want to be friends anymore.

[woody]

You suffer because you have a heart. I know all about loneliness and the blues that go along with it, especially, after a time without human companionship. years.

The next words I will say will possibly make you roll your eyes and may not help much at all but, have a little more faith that you and she will indubitably find one another. Probably when your not looking. Seems these things happen best (universally) when one finds contentment in and of themselves before Mr or Mrs right comes along.
Sorry to hear about your Mom. I hope she gets better very soon. That can't be easy.

As far as sleep? Well, you need to get some more. Can't think without it.

Hey, don't second guess yourself. It's all good.

[LordZanual]

[MENTION=77150]quirkybear47[/MENTION]
It's for everyone really. Anything from disabled kids, to veterans to... Well anything really heh... I aim to specialize in kids. I find kids much more fun to treat than adults... Less of an attitude.

And yeah. There are guys like that. You know what's my problem with guys like that? Women are mightily attracted to them, and being the nice guy rarely gets you anyone attracted to you. Can get incredibly frustrating.

In fact, I love a woman's body just like any other guy, heck, even more I assume (Bloody works of art, the lot of you) - But I don't see a woman as just that, her body... I see them as so much more than that. I always tell my friends that there are no women out there who are not worth getting to know. I live by that sentence. But I'm getting tired of it too... I know that being an a-hole would get me far faster results (However, I'm not sure about whether or not they're better... I'd like to think quality women do not go for a-holes... But I've been proven wrong a bunch of times in the past)

[MENTION=72336]woody[/MENTION]
I have a heart, yeah, I guess I do. Is it wrong that I want to rip it out? hahah

I attribute my lack of sleep to overthinking. I attribute overthinking to... Well... Being me. Good old not-so-confident-constantly-overthinking me. But the past 5 months, being alone, has caused my overthinking to go into overdrive, with it, comes self doubt as well.

I don't think I'll be finding my "Mrs right" because I've become far too cynical to believe there's a "Mrs right" out there.

I'm trying to keep my self esteem up and my self doubt low... But it's hard. Granted, I'm finding it easier and easier... But I have my downs. Heck, during one of those I wrote the essay of an OP I wrote here.

Bottom line: I can be alone. I love being alone. I prefer, far more than anything else, to have a woman by my side to pamper. Men always say they're happy not having to answer to someone - To be honest? I absolutely hate it. I *want* to answer to someone. I *want* to tell someone everything and anything that happens to me. I *want* that ball and chains everyone talks about. I can imagine living without it, sure, but I won't like it one bit if I'm forced to live without it (As I am now).

In all honesty, I'm even considering returning to my ex (She'll take me back in a heartbeat...), and the only thing that's stopping me is that we thought about trying again, and I gave it 3-days worth of thought, and decided against it. And I remember the reasons vividly. Gah. To be honest, if I could change just one or two things about her, on the 17th of March this year, instead of breaking up with her, I would've proposed. And she said that herself too, that if we'd just be more in sync, we'd never look back.

I think... I think that that's what's frustrating me most. That she was so close to being perfect, she was so close to me wanting her to be mine forever. And I find it incredibly hard to believe I'll ever find someone better than her - But I had to try.

[woody]

Okay. Interesting. Yes you are indeed a thinker.

I must say that most women do not appreciate so called gruff a-hole personality types and it remains a mystery to me why some yet seem drawn to these types. Perhaps that is indicative of their own personal confidence or self worth's. Pity really.

Yet I must assure you, a good woman wants, needs and deserves a good man and vice versa.
I am sensing that your on the verge of sacrificing your kind way to see if the other realm of how to treat a lady actually works. I would suggest you do not compromise your innate chivalrous outlook regarding such.
Yes you do seem frustrated and in need.
It is tough not being able to share one's self with another worthy partner.
But no one is perfect.
No one.

I wish you well. I hope you don't allow yourself to get jaded regarding relationships.
I hope others might be able to offer you more insight, opinions and hopefully some 'eurika' moment.
good luck