I was too clingy, can I get her back?

[hindsight2020]

I just need a place to post my thoughts and feelings but I could also use some advice from people who've been in my situation. This might be long winded so I apologize in advance for that.

I met my ex (damn, that's weird to say) in our 2nd year in university and have been with her for 2 years and 9 months. She was my first love and the first year was your typical honeymoon phase. We spent a ton of time together, slept over at each others places often, and generally loved being with each other. Oddly, after this first year, I thought she was being too clingy and considered asking for space but having never been in a serious relationship before, I thought being together all the time was normal so I accepted it. I stopped doing things that I used to and stopped hanging out with friends as often as before and for a long time, things were great. I didn't miss my hobbies or hanging with friends (still saw them from time to time) and I felt closer to my ex than ever.

She graduated this past May and moved back home to her family home about 2 hours away. I still have one semester but we decided that we could make a long distance relationship work. And for the first few months, things were fine. I would spend a few days at a time at her family's place every few weeks and she would come to visit me (her Catholic mother didn't like the idea of her sleeping over at my place). I would get emotional when we would say goodbye (figured this was normal/okay) but she never really said anything negative about it. I even apologized, saying I didn't know why I always got so emotional and she said it was alright and that it showed her how much I cared.

Then, earlier this month, I lost my job. This is the first time I've been unemployed since I was 15 (always lined up a new job before quitting, never been fired before) so I was taking it pretty hard. I suddenly had all this free time while she had just started a new part time job. I was feeling really down so all I wanted was for her to come see me, since I could no longer afford to drive myself out to see her. I felt like she was avoiding the subject and, in a particularly weak moment on my part, I had a full blown break-down over the phone, asking her if there was someone else and whether or not she still cared about me. That's when she said she wanted to take a break, citing that I was suffocating her. This happened on the 14th. I was devastated and spent the entire night thinking about all the things that I had done wrong.

The next morning I sent her a long message over facebook apologizing for all the things that I thought I did wrong (making her feel trapped with my emotions, making it hard to talk to me because of my temper, etc.) as well as asking her about the terms of the break. She replied an hour later that she just wanted to put or relationship on pause and that needed space to breath again. She also said that I could see other women if I wanted and that that was her choice to make and if something happened that I'd have to accept it, though she said she wasn't seeking other men right now. She also said that threw in a "you'll always have a special place in my heart", "if it was meant to be then it will" and an "I love you, always". On the 15th, I sent her a message asking if I could call her. I wanted to ask her whether she believed we were gonna get back together and if this break was really a breakup but she never replied. Later that night I sent her one last message, stating that that would be the last message I would send, that I was going to wait until she was ready to talk, and to contact me when that time came. I haven't spoken to her since (2 days NC) The hardest part of all of this is that I only realized what I was doing to her after she asked for the break which forced me to take a step back and genuinely examine myself. My biggest fear right now is that I'll never get a chance to show her that I'm willing but want to change, not for her but because I really don't like who I become.

The last few days have been incredibly hard but I'm trying to move forward with my life as best as I can during this break, focusing on myself and things I need to do and change. I started doing the hobbies I used to do before we met, hanging out with old friends, working out more, spending more time with my family, and other things to try to keep my mind off her. I also quit smoking weed and have been looking for counseling to get help with my temper and insecurity. I'm still holding onto the hope that we'll get back together. I just have a few questions that I'm hoping people who've been there before could shed some insight on.

- I know I shouldn't contact her and deactivated my facebook and instagram so that she would see as little of me as possible. I know I should wait for her to contact me but how long is too long? And if it's been too long, is it okay for me to reach out to her? I want to respect her wishes and give her the space she asked for but I also don't want her to think that I'm not still fighting for her.

- How can I show her that I can change or, later down the road, that I actually have changed if we're in different cities?

- Is it a bad idea to contact her friends or family to see how she's doing?

- Do you think the damage that's been done is irreparable?

I genuinely believe her when she says she isn't seeking other men right now so I'm not worried that she wanted to take this break to explore her options or because she was cheating or anything.

[HeartWeaver]

This sounds so much like me, and I am coping too. I'm sorry about what's going on for you, but I think you should forget her unless she ever tries to contact you again. You don't want to sound too needy to her, and in the meantime, you'll need to work on your self-esteem. I don't know how to do it either, I am trying to work it out myself, though if I think of something I'll tell you. One thing that I learn about self-esteem is to learn how to be independent.

[Saya]

It's almost been a week, I think that you shouldn't contact her or her friends/family... I think it's too soon to contact her.
Also she said to you that you can see other girls...hmmm this tells you that she's not that interest in you anymore.
If she love you and care about you and is thinking about getting back together with you then most likely, she wouldn't want you to see other girls and instead she would tell you to give her some space and wait for her.

There's no way I would say to someone I really care and love that you can see other girls..

Hmm, maybe you should just move on.

Look for new job, and keep your mind busy by doing other things like hang out with friends, make new friends, find new hobby etc

[hindsight2020]

Thank you for the replies. I've been trying to move on the best that I can. I've reconnected with old friends, started doing hobbies that I enjoyed again, lined up some job interviews, and quit smoking weed for good (threw away all my paraphernalia) but I can't bring myself to talk to other girls yet. I know it's only been a few days but why hasn't she contacted me? I'm so tempted to send her a message saying "If you want to work things out, I'm ready to listen and have a mature discussion but if not, I'm out." I don't want to ruin any chances of getting back together if this was indeed just a "break" but at the same time, I don't want to sit back and be her backup plan.

[ldawg616]

Yah dude you should definitly just give her some space..if she see's that you're being resonable and giving her space then she will probably contact you again

[milk&honey]

I'm sure you have a chance of getting her back again. Work on your confidence and self-esteem and she'll see that you're a changed person. The best way to prove something to her is to actually do it. And before you know it she'll contact you again and you'll have your chance. All the best!