Slowing Down in a Relationship

[Phozen]

I've gotten to the point in a relationship where the girl has told me, "You're going too fast. You're getting greedy and impatient." I agree with her. I saw myself asking more and more when we've only been together for a short time. HOW can I slow down? I don't want to throw this relationship away. Please help!

[TheEvilJester]

I suppose we'd need some more information in order to offer advice. Can you provide examples of what you do that shows you are moving too fast? Also, how long have you been together?

Can you think of why you tend to move so fast, or are you not really sure?

I ask because I personally have always been somebody who feels things very intensely. Honestly, a lot of times it really sucks, but sometimes it is also very awesome. Bottom line, though, I've learned that about myself and learned how to better control it. I mean, when I have a new friend who seems like a really good person, I kind of go crazy within my own mind kind of wanting to see them all the time, then torturing myself back and forth thinking "It's only a matter of time until this person doesn't like me anymore," then thinking "No, I'm being an idiot. They are a good person and a good friend," then thinking "No, I'm going to do something that will cause them to go away." So, imagine how much worse it is when I am interested in a girl.

But, I've learned that about myself. I also used to make the mistake of trying to just suppress that. Honestly, that just makes things worse. So, instead I've learned to allow myself to have those crazy thoughts, but just also engage my intellectual side. I remind myself that I am most likely just getting myself all worked up over nothing, so it is find to kind of "crazy" at myself, but to the friend/girl/whatever, I leave the crazy at home. LOL!

Anyways, if you give us more details as to your specific situation, we can perhaps offer better advice.

[dontaskme]

What are you doing that makes her say this? How long have you been with her?

[Phozen]

It's been about 3 months, so I know for sure I'm definitely going too fast. I think I am alot like what EvilJester describes. I keep wanting to see them/be with them and I'm also trying to suppress it at the same time. It's kind of driving me up the wall. Recently, I've just been talking "more" than what should be said, as in I tell her my deeper feelings, and my feelings for her. I guess that's what kind of scared her- her knowing how I feel for her right off the bat.

[hoxtonchris]

its difficult to guage,every friendship is diferent.i too have fell early and rushed things also the other has ell before me and put me off.now im with someone and we both fell at the same time.it took us till we are in our 60s to meet,we both had long marriages thet wernt as intense as our love.so in a nutshell its the luck of the draw.good luck.just be true to yourself

[Phozen]

Essentially, I think I laid all my cards on the table too soon. This includes telling her that I love her, want to spend much more time with her, etc. (I didn't say anything sexual). I suspect that doing that so early in the relationship might have caused her to say that. How can I recover?

PS: I talked with her yesterday online for a few minutes. The conversation went mostly platonic and was somewhat boring. I did drop a flirt statement, however. Otherwise, I think this relationship just needs time to recover...?

[milk&honey]

If she thinks you're falling too deep too fast, just slow it down a little. Talk less about your feelings and try to treat her as close friend. You don't talk about your feelings to your close friend everyday right?

[TheEvilJester]

Now that you have shared more details, I know just what you mean. I can definitely relate. When I like somebody, be it as a friend or be it as more, I definitely fall way too hard and way too fast. A new friend, I find myself wanting to talk to them all the time, or hang out all the time. A new potential girlfriend, it is so much worse.

...But, again, I've learned that about myself. So, I've learned to balance that out a bit. Like I said, suppressing it is not going to help. So, best just to, as I put it, crazy to yourself just to get it out so you can control it better around the actual person. In other words, to yourself it is okay to kind of think "This person is great! I wish I could see them every day..." yadda yadda yadda. But then you have to learn to kind of suppress that to the person. For example, say you text. Maybe you text them every few days and see how that goes.

If they like to text you every day, then feel free to be the one to text first sometimes. If they tend not to text for days at a time, then don't text them every day. In other words, kind of let them dictate the pace of the friendship/relationship, yet at the same time be sure you assert your own desire somewhat as well. In other words, don't just completely never try and just always let them contact you first. Otherwise, they'll just get the opposite impression and think you don't care to hear from them.

As I mentioned, I've learned that about myself, that I tend to over-feel things. So, if I had it my way I'd talk to my closest friends every day/see them all the time. But, I realize that is too much for some people, so I've learned to step back and let them more so display for me what feels normal to them. It's a little hard to explain, so I hope that made sense and at least helped a little.